meet my boyfriend google

• eros creamsex
• weird people show
• 66 triple m boobs
• penis cakes in Newfoundland
• phone numbers of whores
• Michigan whores
• gangsta whores
• cop blow jobs
• coworkers naked
• I took off my clothes at Walmart
• crackhead whores
• penis cake template
• crackhead whore phone numbers

Yup, just another day at wittykitty’s Google list.  That’s basically all I get. Penis, crackhead whores and creamsex. I mean it kinda sounds like I’m running a sex toys company doesn’t it?  If only I were having so much fun. Because the only penis I get is at my art class and the only cream has sugar and cholesterol. So Whee! What an exciting life. Sign me up for my own Reality Show.

“Blog Island”: A woman petrified of participating in real life sits at her computer 27 hours a day and reads about how others are living their lives and wonders what it would be like if she had a real relationship and not pretend ones, like the ones she exaggerates so people on the Internet won’t think she’s a total loser.  And then for the season finale she votes herself off the island (i.e., “The computer”) and is forced to walk out to the kitchen and feed the cat. It’ll be a ratings BLOCKBUSTER…A RATINGS BLOCKBUSTER, I tell you!!

Okay, I might have to be naked for that part. You can turn away if you want. Funny people generally aren’t that attractive naked. You think I kid? Okay, lets go down the list.

• Phyllis Diller
• Roseanne Barr
• Drew Carey
• Jimmy Durante
• Jamie Farr
• Rosie O’Donnell
• Jim Belushi

See what I mean? Okay maybe Jon Stewart, but that’s it!

Why do I talk about all this nudity and penis stuff all the time? Well, first of all, probably because I’m not getting any. And secondly…my mother. I get it from my Mother.  My mother who will gladly share her favorite joke about the guy with the 18″ penis with anyone who will listen. Granted she’s almost 80. My mother, who this morning at breakfast was talking about Hugh Hefner’s reality show and about all his bimbos and how they look. And how big their boobs are. And how Hef switches off with different girls on different nights. And how one girl even flashes the gardener by pulling up her top with my mom attempting to demonstrate. All over our egg McMuffins.

I actually feel like sort of a nerd. What do I talk about? Oh, my cat barfing. Ummm? My back hurts. My neighbor’s toilet keeps running every 5 minutes, so that’s like 240 times a day and its driving me insane and even though I’ve already talked to her about it and mentioned, like ow, it also scalds me at least twice during an average shower and is slowly burning away the flesh on my naughty bits, she doesn’t seem to care and looks at me like I’m talking Swahili, so I may have to just go over there and take a nearby end table and smash the hell out of her toilet  and then the landlord will HAVE to come fix it.

Oh goodie…another Google…toilet. Now everyone who wants to know about toilets will come visit my blog. SCORE!!!

Anyways, I did have one noteworthy thing happen to today. After the breakfast my mother, I took a quick trip to the gym to burn off that square of lard (i.e., better known as McDonald’s hash browns). I had also taken a dip in the whirlpool. It felt good, but I felt very lackadaisical. 

There was a very famous Broadway hoofer in town today and I really wanted to go see him, but….but….I just couldn’t quite see spending the $20 for the ticket. Damn. So afterwards I was just sitting in my car doing nothing. Okay, correction: I was just sitting in my car feeling terribly terribly sorry for myself. No Broadway hoofer for witty. Wah! I finally decided to just go fill up my car. After that, more lackadaisical wandering around a local shopping area. La, la, la. Man, there’s a lot of single guys walking around Bed and Bath. Who knew?

Anyways, so I get back to my car. Did I notice anything unusual? Oh, you mean besides the $25 worth of gas I just bought absolutely flooding out of my gas tank onto the parking lot ground?

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve had holes in my gas tank before….just not so dramatic. So I got in, said, “Oh well, my life isn’t that exciting anyways.” and started the car and fortunately didn’t blow up. I immediately called my mom when I got home since she just had her gas tank replaced. And since we’re both really poor we have to talk to guys who know guys named Vinnie who will meet you on a dark corner who will fix your car for under $100 if its not too bad. Although in this case the guy is named Cookie and he’s a friend of Gay Elvis who is Eye-Talian and there’s already been a lot of secretive phone tag going on. Cookie weighs 350 pounds and lives with his mother.  He’s already asked my mother for $20 for “his services”.

Cookie “da Car Guy” Diamondetti.

(sigh)