I spy

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Ever been in the position where you think like half of the Northern Hemisphere has discovered your blog and now hates you, but nobody will say anything, but everyone in your life  has suddenly mysteriously disappeared or acts angry towards  you and your life keeps getting worse and worse, but you’re afraid to say anything and they’re afraid to say anything, because, well, don’t actions speak louder than words?

But YAY, you do still have all those nice people on the Internet. Its just that everyone in real life totally hates you, but won’t admit it. And you feel bad, although you have never lied about anything while writing in your blog. You have just expressed your opinions, like say, THEY have while they secretly chatted with their friends in the lunch room or in cars about other people. Its just that more people have heard you, since, you know, you write a kick-ass blog. But the reason you write a kick-ass blog is because you have nobody to talk to, so instead you have to have a close personal relationship with your Gateway computer, because your Gateway will always be there for you and never give you the cold shoulder or arbitrarily withdraw their friendship or blow you off. And you’ve even written things about Gateway, like how poky he can be sometimes. And you’ve yelled at him.  But he’s a computer and he doesn’t have any feelings which is just fine for you. No fuss, no muss. He’ll never reject you.

 Now granted I’m not perfect. In fact, I am possibly the most imperfect person on the entire planet. I’m almost 50 and nobody will hire me.  I’m almost 50 and have “substantial mental illness” (as “A” so delicately pointed out Tuesday) and nobody will date me. 

So as you can see, things are going swimmingly. Although did you ever take into account, that one of things that might keep me sane is my writing? I mean, unlike some of you, I might not have the luxury of friends or a spouse to go home to to bitch about things with.  And also sadly, writing is truly the only thing I’m good at. Sixth grade? My first taste of writing super stardom. A poem about The Matterhorn ride at Disneyland. And then from then on, I was always the Teacher’s Pet in every writing class. It was the only venue I always felt accepted in. So you can imagine my delight when I discovered the world of blogdom. Whoa! A free audience! Granted the first month I was writing, I had no idea anyone was reading. But then it really took off. Now? Well, now it has become both a great sense of pride and a great source of scorn and loss.

What people don’t understand is that I’ve been using writing as a source of therapy since I was 12. Bad-mouthing my Mom in my diary when I was 12. Check! Talking about my gay boyfriend in high school. Check! And like you’ve never said anything snarky about anyone in your entire life, ya damn hypocrite. I mean I don’t want to get all Jesus on you but (paraphrasing here) “Whoever is without sin shall cast the first stone.” I mean here I’m writing anonymously from an anonymous location with anonymous names. I have never printed a picture of anyone other than myself (except a guy in mask once). So WTF? Yes, sometimes I’m angry at you. And yes, maybe I should talk to you personally, but guess what? I have issues. Why do you think I’ve been in therapy for 30 years? So what do I do? I take the whimp’s way out. I play it out on the internet. And do you think I’m the only one who does that? Hardly.  Am I proud of it? No. But is it therapeutic to get it out of my system? Yes.  And I think if I had more people in my life to talk to about things and not fly-by-nights, who only call me when they need something for instance (and I think you know who you are) I wouldn’t have to do this.  Also when you literally have no one in your corner in real life and you only have a bunch of strangers on the internet laughing at your jokes and saying “great job” or “You’re funny”, how are you going to feel? We’re humans. We all need love and acceptance.  When you write a blog, its your opinion. When you write a blog, you’re shining people in the light that you want to shine them in. Is it accurate? Sometimes. But that’s how it is when you’re talking about them in person too. Am I right?

Take Charlemagne for instance. I really adore him. He’s very complicated. And he can be very annoying. And yet even when I’m annoyed by him, I still want to be hugged by him because we’re friends. Same thing with “A”. He’s both annoying and wonderful. This week he was very annoying. We had one of the worst sessions in recent history. I’m still really hurting from some of the horrible things he said Tuesday. But I still go back. Why? Because these are the people in MY real life. They’re flawed just like me, but they’re all I have. So see how that works?

Which, I guess,  is why I’m so incredibly addicted to the internet. You generally don’t have to feel the sting of somebody’s bad mood. You generally don’t have to feel the loneliness and pain when they ignore your e-mails and calls or they blow you off and you have no idea why.  So why am I talking about all this? Because my blog was found by my last place of employment and I lost everything. My ability to be rehired. My services. My access to the funding source that paid for my art classes the last 4 years. All because of my blog. I told ONE person in confidence there. One! Because until then no one else in my real life knew about my blog. Its funny, my mom is always asking me why I keep getting gifts from people on the internet and going to Bob Dylan concerts and stuff and I always sort of have to waffle on the answer.  You guys rock, by the way. 🙂 So is there a point to all this? Not really. Except that I’m really lonely. And people have to stop being so damn nosy and let me have a place to be my cranky old sardonic, miserable self. If I have offended you, I’m sorry. And if I haven’t, give me a moment, I’ll think of something…. 

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19 Responses to “I spy”

  1. Smed Says:

    Yick. Spys in the house of Witty, BEGONE!

  2. scotvalkyrie Says:

    Man oh man, I’m sorry.

  3. Poolie Says:

    I am so sorry this is all happening! It is so unfair when small minds create such havoc.

  4. artgnome Says:

    Let me know if you ever want to road trip it up here and paint in the studio with me. I’m sorry you lost your job for being such a fun and good writer. I still don’t understand jobs firing people for having blogs. I just don’t get that. What in the HELL ever happened to freedom of speech?

  5. LA Says:

    Fie on the hypocrites! Keeping my fingers crossed the reprocussions in 3-D aren’t as awful as you fear. But being outed in real space always hurts. Always pisses some people off. Always, even if they aren’t the ones being written about. And even if they are the subject of an entry or two, so what? Are they being spat on in the street? Have THEY lost opportunities, had others come give them grief? No. So you, Ms/Mr Nosybody, put on your big boy pants and deal without acting like you’ve been beaten up and left for dead, ‘kay? ~LA

  6. geekbetty Says:

    are you for sure someone found it?

    I don’t think we were …. uh blog buddies? what’s the right word for us?? anyways we weren’t that word yet when mine happened. A group of “friends” discovered it and passed it around to each other. sat around reading it and looking for insults toward them. which HELLO of course I insulted some of them. I’m a cranky bitch like that. I almost completely stopped writing.
    But now, I don’t care. Being able to have my own place is more important to me. chin up, buttercup.

  7. geekbetty Says:

    oh shit just reread the last paragraph I’m so sorry I was only half awake. WHAT THE FUCK? you’ve been dooced. how can they take away your funding and eerything becuase of an anonymous blog????

  8. freshhell Says:

    Awful. I often fear the same thing esp since my persona is so thinly veiled and my kids photos are plastered all over the place. But, I hear you and sympathize.

  9. Kat Says:

    Oh Witty, I’m so sorry about all that. I’ve wondered why you didn’t get your old job back and why you lost your funding. That explains it. And that sucks. Please don’t quit writing. I look so forward to an entry. Maybe just be more discreet in the future. Lesson learned. K.

  10. crankygirl Says:

    What? That’s so crappy! My sympathies…

  11. karmacat Says:

    What suckage. I am fearful of being found, too. I don’t use real names or give The Devil’s name, but I know that doing this from work is BOLD. And stupid. I figure it is just slightly safer to call the lawyers bastards via the ‘net than to their faces. I’m hoping better days are ahead for you.

  12. awittykitty Says:

    I should say I was not initially fired because of my blog. I left last year for another job. But when my job didn’t work out and I tried to go back that’s when I realized I had been found out. And that it had been widely discussed evidently because every single person gave me the same identical answer. “You should go to the real world and get a real job”. It was like everyone had been told to give me the same answer. I had six people tell me the same thing, verbatim. Strange? Yes, a little. And then shortly after that I lost my services. And then when I had a positive profile done shortly before I left, my case manager made sure the word “Blog” was included on my profile even though it was never discussed during the meeting. It was sort of a twist of the proverbial knife, like, HA! I won! She was the person, BTW, who broke the confidence. Incidently, I found her blog, read one entry and felt guilty and never looked at it again. She no longer reads me. Guess the damage is done.

  13. kittiefan17 Says:

    I know exactly what you’re saying. I myself am lonely, and there are nights where I go to bed, hoping that I never wake up. My blogs are my release, they help me to express any of my inner freustrations without killing somebody…or myself, for that matter. If I didn’t have writing or music in my life, I don’t know what i’d do. And frankly, I don’t give a damn if a person mentioned in my blog finds it. If I said something bad about you, hey, you had it coming.

  14. Holly Says:

    {{hugs}} I’m sorry they are being so petty. It isn’t as though you gave out real names and addresses. Only about 3 or 4 peopl in my RL, know about this blog, and two of them are people I met thru diaryland. I have an idea what it is like though. About 2 or so years ago, there was an article on the front page of the Forum about North Dakota bloggers, and a list of some, including yours truly. You never saw a blog lock up so fast. I soon unlocked however and amazingly nothing came of it. I guess my bosses don’t read the paper or check out blogs. I did get some intersting hits though. Who knew they read teh Fargo Newspaper in Shanghi

  15. xatczik Says:

    Simpletons who don’t understand writing and why we do it should be beaten, then sterilized.

    It’s superstitious fear of the written word. For these people, writing has power as it did when only the priests knew how to do it. Writing doesn’t come easily or naturally to them. Ergo, any writing must have greater commitment from the author.

    These same people are ignorant of the idea that art (in whatever form it takes) is a form of sublimation. Because I write that I think my boss is an ass-hat, I don’t have to punch him. Then again, I suppose that these are the same sort of people who get all freaked out when a kid uses a black crayon to draw everything, or writes a story about questionable behavior.

    Heaven forbid that a creator creates in order to exorcise unsocial behavior. It’s ever so much more healthy to drink heavily, get into bar fights, beat family members and/or pets, have affairs, or…whatever.

    Cretins.

  16. Pam Says:

    I’m really, really sorry, Witty. What a pack of asshats.

  17. Seacreature Says:

    FUCK! Is ANYthing SACRED??! I’m so sorry to read about this turn of events. Yea, it all makes sense now. What is WRONG with people?? Why are they so selfish and closed minded? No one can give anyone the benefit of the doubt anymore! I totally wish there was something I could do to make people see what a beautiful, feeling person you are. I hate how unfair life is. It sucks to be intelligent and so painfully aware of the shit that’s out there, doesn’t it? Well, let all the ordinary people do what makes them happy. They can all fuck right off. Keep up the personal therapy, honey, I’m rootin’ for ya.

  18. Andria Says:

    You know, you’re one of the people I’ve found through blogging that I really wish I lived by, because I think we would be great friends. I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely right now. That is not a good feeling. And, you know – even though you’re physically alone, there are a lot of internet dorks who love you.
    None of my friends read my blog. They know about it, but don’t read it. And none have asked, thank goodness. Otherwise they’d find out what I really think about them. It’s weird, because the people I work with have just figured out that the boyfriend I make reference to all the time lives in Virginia, and I knew I was going to have to start answering the question “So how did you meet?” I knew if I mentioned anything about a blog, it would be found instantly. So far no one’s asked, though. Thank goodness.

  19. Anne Says:

    Honey…this bites!! Thanks for the check in! And yeah, you’d fit in…its mostly a bit of office work/customer service/cashier mixed together. Hmmm…CHECK YOUR LOCAL FURNITURE STORES!! hee Make sure its one that has been there forever, is pretty successful, but not blowing out of its britches. Should be just about your speed!!

    Hugs, good karma, and thoughts to divert/delay one of the storms. Can’t make them leave…sorry!!

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