(what really happens when I’m waiting for a doctor to come in- The witty Macarena)
I just went back through my 2009 datebook and I had approximately FIFTY doctor appointments in 2009. Forty-nine too many if you ask me. I had been diagnosed with melanoma skin cancer in September of 2008, which of course led to a gabillion scans, blood tests and enough radiation emissions to light all of New York City on New Years Eve. They finally scheduled my chin surgery the day before Obama took office. “A” came to my apartment at 6:30 a.m. and took me up to the hospital. By 2:45 he came and got me and I laid on the couch the next day watching Obama become President in a deeply drugged state.
What came next was many more tests and doctor appointments. Gotta scan that sucker, like 150 times until witty glows like a Christmas tree, but then finally I was given the best news ever. I was told I was cancer free around mid-February! Woo hoo! Ok, my chin looked like some botched plastic surgery reality show horror thingie, but I was cancer -free. Take that you stupid cancer-bitch!
I was feeling pretty darn good about things by April. I had a lovely internet guest from England….Annanotbob, proving to myself, that not all people are serial killers. We had a great time when she visited, becoming fast friends ever since.
I continued to get periodical checks at the cancer center. In the meantime, I continued to persue my art thing, having a really great art show in May, where I sold two of the three paintings I had hanging. All my friends from my drawing class, as well as “A” dropped in at the opening and it was a really terrific night. I felt really triumphant, not something I usually feel. Or have ever felt. What’s going on here? Must have been all that radiation I had in my body.
By summer I inexplicably started feeling tired again. I bumped into Married Guy at the Yuppie Grocery Store unexpectedly and didn’t know what to do. I had actually seen him over the four years since our friendship had ended but had always managed to avoid him, but unfortunately there he was….two feet away. I couldn’t avoid him. So we had lunch. It was pleasant. We caught up. I told him what I was angry about. Its a new witty thing. Telling people what I’m pissed about…right “A”? Anyways, I saw Married Guy again a couple of weeks later in Target and he looked at me rather startled, telling me I looked really pale. By then I had the news. I had lung cancer.
Like WTF? I never even tried smoking a cigarette. The cancer had spread. It was stage four. And what had really pissed me off was that I had finally got my ass in gear and decided to go back to school. I was all registered. Had my funding in place. And then two days before Labor Day I got the news. Lung Cancer. Bummer! The doctor said to drop out, because in his words, “This (fighting cancer) would be a full time job”.
I did keep asking myself….what have I done to deserve this? I’ve always been nice. I’ve never done anything illegal. I’ve led an incredibly clean life (no smoking or drinking or drugs). I mean, sure I’m sarcastic and yell in my car and have crushes on married men, but wtf? Did I really deserve this? There is also a lot of back story I haven’t written about. My mom is ill too. I won’t go into it, but I am basically her caretaker too. Its a heavy load with no support. No shrink. No close friends. I mean my art friends always ask how I am and I say, “Tired, but fine.” But I don’t want to be one of those whiners, I hate.
So in November I went through all the intensive radiation called Cyberknife. I then started the chemo in early December which left me with absolutely no appetite…well, except for dark chocolate maybe. I’ve basically been living on cans of soup and cereal and fruit. Also winter is my worst time for depression. Its been particularly bad this year. Gee, I wonder why. My doctor has said I can go back to school in January, but I’ve barely got enough emotional strength to even go to the school website. I guess I’m afraid I’ll get some more bad news or I’ll be too tired to do the home work or I won’t be up to it creatively, since my creativity has been pretty crunched through this whole thing. Once in a while I’ll get a momentary spurt of energy and paint something new like one of my many angels I’ve been painting over the last six months.
But I really had to force myself to paint this though. My creativity genes have been absolutely crushed under the stress of all this and aren’t firing like they should.
Well, there is only one hour left in 2009. I guess all I have to say is I hope that 2010 is healthier and happier. I hope I get more hugs. I hope that my creativity comes back and I continue to improve in my artwork. And I’m really going to try to be more assertive in getting my work out there in art shows around town so that I can sell more work. In 2008, I sold 11 pieces. In 2009, I only sold 3.
Oh wait, I had cancer and 50 fucking doctor appointments. No wonder!
So I’m not going to go back and edit this and make it pretty. Its pretty much just how I’m feeling tonight. Not much witty. Lets just hope you have a really great new year. I’ll be waiting to read about it, everyone. Happy New Year!
Love, witty and Guardcat