why do most of my doctors look like michael j fox?

In the last three weeks I’ve been to so many doctor appointments in so many places, with so many nurses and so many waiting rooms with so many crappy magazines (except for the last two which had the New Yorker) with so many people asking me for blood and to stand on scales and to lay quietly and  giving me bad news (yes, I do have cancer again) and making me feeling all tired and handing me large folders full of information about cyber knives and them wanting to send me to a cancer center in Buffalo even though my car looked at me and sarcastically said, “Buffalo….you’re kidding, right?”

The fact that my car talks should be scary enough.

And then there was that huge fight with “L” the Hippy Chick two days before my lung cancer biopsy. I was a wreck waiting to go to the hospital, so I had been trying to fill my days with fun, relaxing activities so I wouldn’t think about the upcoming medical “event”.

For instance, I went to my favorite artsy/hippie festival the weekend before.  My art group had a tent set up and I mostly hung out there since  I had been feeling really tired lately. But I did walk around a little to see all the lovely whack-a-doos  in my town. Artists. Belly dancers. Musicians. Hippies. Flower Children…

And even Republicans trying to shake our hands, like they liked us.

For me, the argument had actually  briefly started the day before. I had parked quite a ways from the center of activity mainly because, well shit, there were no parking places any closer. Do you think I would park a half mile away if I could park 20 feet away?  So I offered “L” and her grandson a ride home like I always do. I have no problem giving people rides. None. I do it all the time.  If I’m lucky enough to have a working car, why not help people out….right?

 So “L” was spouting off angrily about something. I had sort of tuned it out for the first time ever. Why? Because I was still  grooving off the good vibes of the happy hippy day. Then she says, “Well, if I had known your car was this far, I would have just walked home!”

I bit my tongue on that one, but decided to take the high road. So I offered to go get the car and pick her up, but no, no, no, she said,  I’ll make it…somehow (groan).

Anyways, the next day I went to an art event up at the university in their lovely  art gallery. It was very relaxing and pleasant and quiet. We didn’t have a huge turn out, but we were sitting amongst a very famous painter’s artwork  drawing a model and I was incredibly relaxed. Which was good. And also the reason I went.

And then “L” shows up with her grandson who’s 7. And suddenly she was chatting loudly. Joking with the model. Her grandson was running amuck around the galleries. “D”, who was running the session, tried to give him some paper to draw on, but after about 5 minutes, he was running around once again. “L” wasn’t doing anything about it, as usual.

At the time, instead of drawing the model, I was actually attempting to draw one of the famous paintings. Silly me. Anyways, suddenly out of the corner of my eye, I see the grandson walking around with what looked like a pencil. He looked at me coyly and then turned around and started making a stabbing motion at the painting. I totally freaked out. This painting is probably worth about $80,000. So I leaned over and whispered, “Please don’t do that!” So he runs back over to “L” and I could hear some loud whispering and then some whimpering. Great. I made the kid cry.

We finally finished up around 3 and went outside. I offer her and her grandson a ride home but warned that it was about 5 blocks to my car since I couldn’t park on campus. “L” suddenly got absolutely  livid and started doing this loud mock talking to “D”, as if I wasn’t there and then stalked off. WTF? Ok, fine. Whatever. 

So “D” and I started walking to our cars and I’m blowing off a little steam about how weird she was acting and and then suddenly at the first red light she jumps in front of us and sarcastically wishes “D” a “Good Day” and just glares at me. I told her I hope she had a good day too. It was just getting too weird. Then she disappeared again. “D” and I walked together another 2 blocks and he went up that street to his car and then suddenly there was “L” again…yelling at me at the top of her lungs in the middle of a busy thoroughfare.  I just kept walking.

I’m really pretty innocuous in real life. Very quiet. Not someone to pick fights. And here is this woman, who I’ve been friends with for 5 years screaming all this crap at me. I finally yelled, “I’m going in for a cancer biopsy tomorrow. I went today so I could relax. Can you please stop yelling at me?” And then there was a brief silence and then she yelled something to the effect that “We all have to go sometime. That’s just how life is.” By then I started crying. How could anyone say that to someone going in for a cancer biopsy?

She then yelled after me 3 times…”What time?” I yelled back 7 a.m.” but evidently she couldn’t hear me because by time I got to the street where my car was,  she screamed at me that I was just like her last friend she just lost. That was I abandoning her. Needless to say, I cried all the way home.

Fortunately, not ALL my art friends are lunatics because on Tuesday, my dear friend Charlemagne did pick me up (I think Guardcat told you that) for my hospital visit.  And he does give good hug. You know you do, you cute little Frenchman!

And then in some weird stroke of fate or synchronicity, I was shopping at Target the next week and who do I run into AGAIN? Married Guy. Yup. Right there in the pet food aisle. Something keeps throwing us together. When he saw me the first words out of his mouth were, “You look really pale.” Oh wait, no, he first said, “How come everytime I see you, you’re shopping?” and I said, “Because I’m a rich housewife in *********” Ha, ha, ha. Irony. Love it. Both the rich part and the wife part. So anyways once we both bought our stuff we went outside and I told him about my lung cancer and he looked pretty stricken.  And then he offered help. And then I stupidly went to his wifie’s art show that Friday night. Do I want to see him again? Yes. Absolutely. I’m going through some really rough times  right now and I really need some people to lean on.  He gave me his cell phone and said to call him anytime. Whether I’ll actually be able to, remains to be seen.

Anyways, back to the doctor part,  evidently doctors don’t necessarily talk to each other. I now have about 4 or 5 of them. And except for the hottie oncologist, they all look like Michael J. Fox, especially the one I saw today who told me I’ll be getting something called Cyberknife, which is some kind of high intensity radiation in 3 or 4  lengthy sessions.  I’ve been worried because October is my busiest art month, but it looks like I’ll be able to get most of my events in, before I collapse into a pile of glowing radioactive wittykitty goo towards the end of the month. That is way better than the original suggestion of a serious, big ass surgery though, and I’m happy about that. Of course, ask me about that when I’m sleeping 23 hours a day around October 23rd.

Oh, by the way, “L” the Hippie Chick didn’t talk to me last week in my art group, but she did this week. Pretty much everyone in my art group now knows I have cancer. And for some reason as Sci-Fi Guy and “L” were walking me out Wednesday, she started asking me if the doctors had given me a length of time I was expected to live. She just kept asking me that over and over.  It was really starting to upset me.  When you’re dealing with this kind of stuff  you really don’t want to think about that, you’re supposed to think about your survival. I finally practically yelled I didn’t know and just asked her to pray for me. And then she mentioned she knew of a prayerline- on the phone with the numbers 666 in it.

WTF? Am I really that bad? I know one thing, I’m never correcting anyone’s kids ever again!

This is me right before my biopsy on September 15th. I’m so 666, dont’cha think?


14 Responses to “why do most of my doctors look like michael j fox?”

  1. Sandy/cuddles Says:

    Great writing, kept me interested the entire time. Your friend sounds like a lunatic, I would stay away from her and stop offering rides, she is no friend to you.

  2. DanjerusKurves Says:

    Some people just have no concept of boundaries, your “L” by way of example. You are right that you need to save your energy for getting through this ordeal, not for having to defend yourself against her. She sounds just like the pscyho co-worker in my last job who always managed to make everything, no matter how unrelated, about HER. I hate people like that. Anyway, sweetheart, I am so sorry you are going through this, but you’re stronger than you think and you WILL get past this and onto better things. xoxo

  3. crankygirl Says:

    Next time her grandson will stab the painting and she’ll be 80k in debt. Serve her right.

    I hope things look up soon–I’ve been wondering where you’ve been.

  4. artgnome Says:

    I will pray for you. A lot. Real friends don’t put people through that kind of selfish mess. Of course you know, that in times like these, you find out who your true friends are. You can beat this. You are an amazing person and artist and I’m thinking only good thoughts for YOU! 🙂

  5. LA Says:

    Wow, did you get handed a bucket slopping over! Ditto what the others said about letting ‘L’ go on her merry toxic way and putting your energy into getting well again. Sending my best cleansing, healing, happy vibes your way. ~LA

  6. azzweepay Says:

    Wow! Sorry to hear about your impending glowing gooieness!

  7. stepfordtart Says:

    Aww, witty! What a big pile of crummy! If I thought for one second you would take me up on it, I’d say come here and recuperate – where the chicken soup is plentiful and lairy hippies with badly bahaved spawn get the slap they both deserve. Actually, the offer’s there anyway. Sending good vibes your way, dear. s x

  8. poolagirl Says:

    It sounds like it’s time to toss out friends who no longer fit with your heart and soul. I am so sorry this happened, Witty. Please know I am holding you in my thoughts. I will send you positive energy every single day.

  9. Pam Says:

    I agree with what everyone else has said – L is a being a big lump of psychobitch and you just don’t need that! Keeping you in my thoughts, my friend!

  10. Paula G From Indiana Says:

    Hi Witty…you don’t probably know me I am a long time lurker. I am so hurt and furious for you after reading this about L!!!!! Damn her! I think a big part of beating cancer is emotional and mental. You need all the good vibes and peace and love you can get to help you fight. Well I know you are getting lots from all over the world, we will send you enough good vibes and peace and love to keep the negative weirdo at bay. I am also sending you some cyber hugs, I hope my words will help just a little bit. (by the way, a lot of times what goes around comes around, she’d better watch out for karma.)

  11. Kungfukitten Says:

    Your friend is a fucking moron and has no empathy. Ignore her. It’s all about you and doing everything you can to feel positive, happy and strong. If she can’t support that then she needs to be quiet. Please tell us webfriends what would help. Is there a grocery store that delivers near you? I’d like to send you a Safeway gift certificate or something because when you feel like crap you don’t want to be lugging around 20 pounds of cat litter in the cold. You know?

  12. scotvalkyrie Says:

    I second KFK’s suggestion, don’t be shy, darlin’, let us know what we can do to be helpful! I would send a casserole but I don’t think it would keep in the USPS. Tuna has a way of getting pretty icky. Take care and know that I’m thinking about you.

  13. goatbarnwitch Says:

    You sure don’t need a friend like that right now or any other time. You are totally right that you need to focus on survival and not be hearing idiots ask rude and hurtful questions.
    Sending healing and hopeful energy

  14. Andria Says:

    I know I’m late to this entry, but can I punch L right in her goddamn vagina? Seriously, there is no need for that kind of person around at a time like this. Or any time. Ugh.

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