a note for my teacher

Dear Mrs. Blogenstein:

Please excuse wittykitty from her blog for the last 25 days. She’s been a little under the weather and yet suddenly overwhelmed by popularity, but also depressed, and yet hanging solo art shows, registering for school, acting like a poser while standing in the line at the yuppie grocery store (ha, ha, I just added that one), not to mention exhibiting an extreme addiction to home makeover shows since she got cable in June, bumping into people she’d rather not see,  exhibiting extreme road rage thereafter, eating far too much chocolate, still nursing a sore knee, taking naked photos of herself and then deleting them from her digital camera, running into her shrink and making an appointment with him after almost a year (all I have to say about that witty is OY!), spending way to much time Twittering and Facebooking, staring at her male neighbor across the complex who walks around naked in his apartment, celebrating the fact that Garden Hacker is gone, being so manic that she painted three paintings in one week, talking to strangers, joining a women’s writing group, going to nearby nearly abandoned carnival and riding on a ride called Laffland which she accidentally thought was a new diagnosis for her mental condition, drinking vast quantities of caffeine, not sleeping, plotting the murder of her next door neighbor who leaves her loud bathroom fan on for hours and hours and hours including 3 a.m. in the morning which makes witty so angry she wants to take an exacto knife and carve “redrum” into her  planter, listening to my mom’s endless stories about her new kitten who she named after witty’s deceased cat which makes her really sad, like why did she have to name it that, and who cares if her cat jumps up on top of the refrigerator 12 times a day, there are worst things happening like all the government offices witty had to go to this last week whilst dealing with the 1,020th sinusitis infection in the last six months, like wtf, no wonder she’s all grumpy and depressed all the time, sniffling AND seeing former people she was in love with and logically knowing it would be stupid to go to their house, and yet having that stupid tweaking emotional gland near the chocolate intake gland which is obviously malfunctioning saying hey, remember all the fun you had “being part of the family” and all the good massages he gave you, but then all my real life people are saying, you idiot, you’re such a fucking idiot, and I’m like back off, I just had to  buy my 300th package of M&Ms as a way to console myself, but of course I also had to go to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, which is exactly the place witty would want to go, given her state…a wedding…like whee, two people in love, two loving parents there to see their beautiful blonde daughter joined in happy matrimony and she absolutely didn’t hold anything against them, but having to sit there for four hours looking at all these happy people in the name of love just seemed to hold a giant magnifying glass up to witty’s miserably solitary life even though, my god, people have been absolutely flocking to her, but she just doesn’t see that, you know, or understand why people are trying to be her new friends and offering her help and the head of a local arts organization actually coming to her little eentsy apartment and looking at all her artwork and acting all bubbly and excited like she had just found a lost Michelangelo or in witty’s case maybe an Andy Warhol and then coming a week later and taking them to a fancy beauty salon to hang, although naturally witty forgot one, since her brain has gone on strike indefinitely its seems (which is exactly why she’s going back to school! Yay!), so then the poor lady had to come back to her eentsy apartment and pick up the missing painting and discovered another painting of Johnny Depp which totally demanded to be hung in a beauty shop full of women and gay men, so off he went, and yet the demure and extremely insecure witty is still nervously waiting for the opening but what does she expect, this woman is important and witty is just someone who dabbles and has little self esteem and thinks going to college will really help her and she even had to lie to the government agency helping her, because they kept asking and asking, like what could YOU ever do with an art degree you silly 51 year old woman with cancer and low self esteem and a funny looking chin and she then blurted out, almost like a brave person, “Well, since I’ve been mentally ill since 19 and I can suuuuure paint perty pictures, i wanna be an art therapist!! Ha! Ha! You know instead of working at McDonalds like you suggested last year, since I can’t stand the smell of rancid meat, but I do love me some snorting of pastel dust.” but the woman just looked at me like she always does, like I’m a statue of a transvestite hamster with a disco ball, you know, since she doesn’t realize that almost every single thing you look at in the universe was probably created by an artist including a stop sign. So Shut the hell up. Right?

Despite everything, including witty’s rather low mental health state at the moment, you really can’t keep her down. She did all her paperwork for college. Got all her damn shots including mumps, fercrissakes. She’s going back to her shrink for the first time in almost exactly a year. Will it be good? I’m not sure. I just think she needs someone who knows her, to say its ok.

Sincerely, Guardcat


17 Responses to “a note for my teacher”

  1. artgnome Says:

    YOU are doing well, in spite of it all. Don’t listen to the mudhole voices of jealousy and control and spite, that want you to join them. Keep going and stay the hell away from weddings. I never go to weddings any more. not worth what it puts you through. remember self care. Call your mother’s cat another name, just to piss HER off for once. always always always embrace the chocolate. use it to erase the number that is considered your age. ignore the number and enjoy your life! I wish you knew inside your heart what we know about you…that you are a true, talented, and blossoming artist! email me for my phone number, i’m always in your corner. rock on and treat all the naysayers like dirt, because they ARE. 🙂

  2. Anna Says:

    You are such a fab Guardcat and that was the best sentence I’ve read for ages. Tell witty she’s doing brilliantly, making excellent, brave choices, but she’s probably a bit knackered and is allowed to have a day off now and then. xxx

  3. stepfordtart Says:

    Tell Witty she’s fucking fantastic! I take off my hat and flourish it in a courtierly way at her (thats SO not a word!). (((squeezes))) to the wittycakes! s x

  4. cocoabean Says:

    Guardcat? Tell Witty she’s more than OK!!!

  5. xat Says:

    Oh honey! You’re doing amazing things–you are, you are, you are.

    There’s so much going on, and you’re fighting the good fight; i.e. to be you–you must be pooped. Remember to take a breath every now and again.

    Monster congratulations on getting your college paperwork done, AND taking care of yourself.

    You do rock.

    Will send a service of cabana boys to do your bidding.


  6. Lisa Says:

    well I feel like I know you after reading you all these years and damn, you ARE doing ok. So many things have changed for you recently and it really seems like you are finding where you belong and settling in. Congrats on the school stuff too! It is never too late to do that if that’s what you really want. I have always thought you were an amazing artist, I could never paint stuff like you do even if I tried.

  7. Miss Hiss Says:

    Um, I thought ALL 50-something year old women were out there getting art degrees? What a silly question that was. When I was at university 25 years ago, the place was filled with, ahem, “older” women going back to their studies to follow their long-held passions for Fine Arts (often accompanied by Japanese as their second major) — and it doesn’t seem to have changed much since then. I was just reading the other day that Grace Slick (now 69) took up painting in her retirement and started selling her Lewis Carroll-inspired paintings in about 2000 — and now she paints 120 pieces a year and sells them for between $1200 and $20000 each, AND holds 35 exhibits a year — even though most of the critics pan her works as “terrible”. Not bad for someone who describes herself as “a 67-year-old fat, white-haired, liver-spotted woman,” ay miss kitty? Love, R xxx

  8. Miss Hiss again Says:

    I googled an article for you, btw: http://www.limelightagency.com/Grace-Slick/Press/washington-post.html x

  9. freshhell Says:

    Wow, is that one entire sentence? Faulkner’s got nothing on you. 🙂

  10. LA Says:

    Absolutely THE best run-on sentence EVER! (The news contained therein was pretty great too.) ~LA

  11. karmacat Says:

    So. Friggin’. Awesome.

    I am happy for you and your exciting future, Ms. Coed!

  12. freshhell Says:

    BTW, I owe you money. I’ll stick a check in the mail soon.

  13. Pam Says:

    Wow – you are doing some seriously amazing stuff in spite of and because of it all! Rock on, girl! I have been Facebookin’ way too much too – find me over there at sixweasels@comcast.net if you wanna! I write way more there than I do D-land these days.

  14. poolagirl Says:

    That is an amazing post, Guardcat. Give Witty a nice snuggle and let her know how much we all love her.

  15. scotvalkyrie Says:

    Best. Run. On. Sentence. EVER. I think I had a little orgasm. Excuse me.

  16. DanjerusKurves Says:

    Keep going with the nude self-portraiture, even if nobody else ever sees the photos, the process is still fun and therapeutic!!

  17. warcrygirl Says:

    So does this mean we’re going to get to see a nude self portrait of you, maybe eating chocolate but definitely watching Sell This House or maybe even of the many ways you want to kill your neighbor but DEFINITELY of the nekkid guy next door?

    I knew I bought those double chocolate donuts from Dunkin the other day, I was channeling YOU!

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