(s)he’s just not that into you

I’ve now been 51 years old for a little over 3 weeks and its been…


better than sex with Johnny Depp

…so fucking boring that I haven’t had neither the strength nor inclination to write a blog entry about it, so shut the fuck up….

Oh sure, I have left Casa de wittykittyon a few occasions, like taking my mom to the ER on Sunday night thus missing “Celebrity Apprentice”, a show I was going to review for my first column at the newspaper. But our E.R. has this little problem, ya see. You go in at 6:30 p.m. and you tend to not leave until 3 a.m., you know, since the  staff is out in the hallway laughing and talking to each other and there wasn’t  exactly anything ER-worthy wrong with the patient.  So I missed the TV show, the time to write the brief 150 word newspaper article and the deadline. I figure they probably think I don’t want to write for them since I was MIA on the very first week of publication. Yay me!

The previous week had been far more exciting. I actually went on a date. You know, I always am required to go on at least 1 to 2 dates a year or  my Vagina License is revoked. And you know how hard it is to renew the damn thing. The long throbbing masses slamming against the single window at the DMV. Its hideous. I basically just have a photo ID, so I don’t have to act like I’m interested when the guy at the window asks me questions like “Where do you live” (wink, wink) and “Is this your correct address?” (wink, wink).

Dude, you’re bald and you’re wearing polyester. Back off!

Oh! My date! So like the day after my surgery I had gotten a note from a guy on sMatch.com. I think we already went over this. He said he’d  wait until I healed up from my surgery. I thought that was pretty decent of him. We wrote back and forth about every 3-4 days. He called me on my birthday on February 12th. I think we talked about 35 minutes. He was going to be picking up his daughter at the airport in my city and said, “Oh, I should have taken you out to dinner for your birthday.”

Indeed! So many missed opportunities! Free meals are always heartily accepted by starving artists, but it was already like 6:45 and he lived about 45 minutes south of here. So he asked me out the following Friday, the 20th. I said fine. He said fine. I think we even possibly saluted the Beatles somehow, since that was something we had in common, because we were both really old and remember seeing the Beatles on something besides YouTube.

The Wednesday before my date I started feeling a little angsty about it.


Yeah, I know, its hard to believe. So when I went to my art class I was hoping to see “L” the Hippy Chick because she’s my only real female friend I can talk to. Unfortunately she wasn’t there and instead I made a really huge mistake. I talked to Zue….the biggest expert in the history of the universe on absolutely nothing everything, but especially on sMatch.com things. Why? Because before she found her current boyfriend she probably dated every dude in a 800 mile radius. For a while she was even attempting to toss me her leftovers (criminals, child molesters, banks robbers, Bernie Maddoff). I, of course, never took any of them.  I mean, I don’t want to ruin my 1-2 dates a year thing and I especially am not going to date Zue rejects.  That would be like eating what raccoons won’t eat out of  garbage cans.

So I told her about my impending date and she asked who he was and I stupidly said three words: his first name, the fact that he was Jewish and his city and she’s like “I dated him!” And I cringed inside. Ugh! Zue cooties! And then she did a true disservice to both me and him. She said some things that weren’t very becoming about him. They weren’t terrible, but just discouraging to someone who only dates minimally and always hopes for the best (I bet you didn’t know that about me, huh!!! Neener!!!).

The next day I just decided to make the best of it. It was sunny and nice all day and then blam, around 5 p.m.,  a really  severe snowstorm blew in. I was worried about “M” driving 45 miles, up through the hills because there were traveler’s advisory in effect. But he arrived exactly on time. 7 p.m. He got out of his car and walked up and kissed me on the cheek.

Really? That was sure a first for a sMatch.com date. Must have been because we were in the middle of a blinding snowstorm and he thought I was Angelina Jolie or something.   

Dinner was good. Conversation was better in person than on the phone. He was not exactly my usual “type”…..dark hair, dark eyes…but he was pleasant enough. I was very well behaved. No ribald jokes about sausages or anything.

But when we walked out of the restaurant it looked like the final scene in “The Shining”. The snow was horrific. I felt somewhat stricken. What do I do? I would feel bad if he drove over 80 mile round trip for a 45 minute date in a blizzard. He asked me about the art opening I had mentioned to him earlier. But I felt stressed….what if Zue was at the art opening. She had told me she was going to see her boyfriend in a nearby city….but….here we were in the middle of a massive blizzard. And I just knew she’d be there and I didn’t want to subject him to her or me to her or anyone to her without our rabies shots.

So here we are driving around in circles in a mall parking lot and I was like, “ummm, ummm. I….ummm….well….” Can we see why I don’t date much? I finally told him to turn right at the mall exit and we finally headed out towards the art gallery. It was a pretty treacherous ride and the route I took him was really dark and twisty. Fortunately he was a good driver. So we pulled into the place and we were running pretty late, as in the opening was actually officially over. 8:30 p.m. But there were still people there of course. And who is the first person I see? Zue.


I don’t know how I managed it, but I introduced “M” to about 7-8 of my art friends, looked at the art and somehow got him out of there without Zue ever seeing us. And it was a small place too. I was astounded. She had her back to the door and I just worked around her.

When we finally got back to my apartment, “M” ran around to get the car door for me. I figured he was just going to say goodnight or “Hey scarface, I didn’t feel any spark, so why don’t we just save a little computer time and end it here”, but instead, suddenly he had his arms around me and was kissing me and then his tongue was darting around in my mouth.

Who are you, The Bachelor?

 Of course I almost didn’t realize it since my chin and lip are still completely numb from my surgery and you could probably hit me with an anvil and I wouldn’t feel it, but mini-ick. Our date wasn’t going THAT well.  I guess he finally realized I wasn’t returning “T-T” (The Tongue) and walked back to his car. I did tell him to call me when he got home so I knew that he was safe in the storm, which he did.

Geeze, I’m such a nice date. Slurp. Slurp.

The next morning Zue called me to see if I was “okay”. Or something. (“Hey “M” its Zue, she wanted to see if I got laid!”) I told her I was fine.  What I wanted to tell her was to “Butt the hell out”, because her pre-date “warning” had put me on alert in such a way, that hadn’t really been fair to him or me.

He did write me a brief friendly note the Monday after our date. I was expecting the “I didn’t feel any spark” thing which I usually get on every single date, but it wasn’t there. Unfortunately I got spooked and never wrote back.



18 Responses to “(s)he’s just not that into you”

  1. xat Says:

    Oh honey!

    Sounds like a perfectly lovely/uncomfortable/kinda scary first date. That’s about right, eh? I say it’s not too late to write back–if you want. Z may be what she is, but you’re the best judge for you. Trust your belly.


  2. Anna Says:

    I was going to say that! (what xat said) It’s not too late to drop a line and maybe suggest another date. I am so proud of you for all of this – man, I couldn’t even cope with the emails, let alone phone calls and actually meeting someone – go witty!! And that is a VERY naughty guard cat you have there. xxx

  3. artgnome Says:

    just because he wasn’t right for Zue doesn’t mean he would not be a good match for you. Maybe she’s the one with the issues, right?

    Still, I don’t know why they always have the rush the physical contact, sex thing, like they are going to die if they don’t get their dick wet immediately. They ruin so many good dates like that. ugh.

    Hang in there baby, spring is coming, and I still owe you a visit. What are you doing this Saturday? if the weather is good, I could drive over.

  4. crankygirl Says:

    Dating is so stressful. Good luck whatever you decide to do about it.

  5. Poolagirl Says:

    Oh man…. I’m sorry that was weird for you. At least you didn’t have to let him stay over because of the storm. Oh man……

  6. scotvalkyrie Says:

    So was there even a bit of happy when he kissed you? Or just a feeling of revulsion? I still say give him another chance. He was probably as angsty as you . . . good luck! 🙂

  7. LA Says:

    Yeah, typical 1st date- weird, crossed signals, and a little too much tongue. Drop him a line. If you decide to see him again, a firm hand on his chest at good-bye time will disuade his…um…puppy-ish farewells. Then you can lean in and drop him a nice (saliva-free) kiss on the location of YOUR choice.

    And Zue’s a jerk. As much as I like most of my friends’ mates there’s not a one I’d have ever gone out on a second date with. So remember, what is one girl’s ‘meh’ is another girl’s WOW!

    Hope your chin is feeling better! ~LA

  8. freshhell Says:

    Couldn’t hurt to reply even now, if you wanted to. And at least you got a meal out of it, right?

  9. Coach J Says:

    Oh, I haven’t been on a first date in so long I’ve almost forgotten the jitters, the doubt, the excitement. What sounds like horror to you looks like a thrill ride to me. Best of luck with your adventures in dating!

  10. DanjerusKurves Says:

    I’m not a big fan of the first-date deep-kiss either, but it beats the jerks who try to hump my leg!! Now, as everybody has already said, Zue is a waste of oxygen and it’s true that it’s not too late to drop the fella a note. You could even release a little of your anxiety by being honest and telling him you were a tad spooked by the “suddenness” of the kiss.

  11. Pam Says:

    I agree with everyone else … it isn’t too late to write back if you want to.

  12. kittiefan17 Says:

    hmmmmmmmmm…someone had a little crushy crush on you!!haha. He does sound like one of those who rushes to things though…and that’s not cool. I don’t blame you witty for not settling for less!=)

  13. stepfordtart Says:

    I didnt like kissing L at first. I thought he was overenthusiastic. Still do, sometimes, but these days Im better at saying “Fucking Hell, dude! A girl’s gotta BREATHE!” NOt sugesting he’s gonna be your one and only, but drop him the note anyway. You were friends online, so no reason why you cant be at least that again. much love s x

  14. elizabeth Says:

    The Zoo stinks!

    Great post and I’m glad to hear you’re doing okay.

  15. Seacreature Says:

    What everyone else said…drop ‘im a note and screw Zue. Whatta turd brain, giving you a spoiler before a date! Shit. Who says he’s a bad person just because SHE thinks so? She’s not the authority!
    Good things CAN come from awkward beginnings, believe me, I KNOW. Sorry you missed your first writing assignment ’cause of your hypochondriac mother. Don’t worry, you’ll make it up! Hope your chinnie-chin-chin is feeling okay. Hugs to ya!

  16. Seacreature Says:

    Your comment about my picture made me laugh and fart at the same time. Thank you… Hehehehe!

  17. warcrygirl Says:

    Just my luck, you post the same day I fly to FL! Did you ever write “M” back? Was there another date? Did Zue finally back the hell off? I like a nice balance: take what others say into consideration yet find out for myself what I like/don’t like/etc. A deep kiss on a first date? I don’t know what to think about that.

    Hope you’re doing well!

  18. boxx Says:

    Thank you for the recent comment you left for me at my diary. I was so utterly surprised by your kind words that I felt a wave of emotion well up in my heart. ♥ THANKS again. ♥

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