Okay, I didn’t quite look like this this morning, but close. The hair, yes. I’m currently sporting Edward Scissorhands hair. Its called not being able to wash your hair for 4 days and looking in the mirror this morning and seeing….well, this.
And the chin? Well, this is a kind representation actually. I have stitches from my bottom lip (which is apparently stitched into my jaw somehow, because I can’t open my mouth wider than about 1/12″ of an inch, making it difficult to eat, but yay, this configuration has apparently helped me to create the new “Lips Stapled Shut Diet” which I plan to take on Oprah’s Show shortly since I’ve already lost 5 pounds in 4 days).
Anyways, the stitches continue down my chin and wrap around the side of my neck. Of course, I’m just assuming this, since everything is heavily bandaged and I am slung up in the ultra cool blue Chin Bra(c) where you can hide your contraband cocaine packets slide in bags of ice. I suspect they’ll be all the rage in the upcoming Oscar Show. That’s just how cool they look.
Its funny, no matter how much you prepare for something, you really can’t prepare for surgery. I mean you may think I’m a flaky, shiftless dingbat artist who has skeletons dipped in glitter hanging over the sink or something. But in reality, I did a great deal of planning before I went in for my operation. I live alone. I don’t have many friends. My mother is getting a little too old to depend on anymore. So I needed to get all the shopping and cleaning done. Yes….I even cleaned BEHIND the cat box.
I also needed someone I could absolutely and totally depend on for transport to the hospital. It was a 6:30 a.m. call after all. I went for a totally unexpected choice. “A”. I know….WTF? Where did he come from? I stopped seeing him as my therapist last July. I won’t get into the particulars, but I knew if he said he’d be here, he would. And he was. It was weird getting into his car after not seeing him for 6 months though. Awkward. I barely remember the ride there.
He stayed with me until I went into the ER room. I think perhaps I finally warmed up to him again, because I was soon babbling on and on about wanting Zach Braff from “Scrubs” to do my operation.
I know, there is no explanation for that.
Once they got the IV in, it was time to get RADIOACTIVE again (injection of dye to locate cancer). I’m actually a card-carrying radioactive person now. If I travel ( ha, as if) I have to notify security personnel and law enforcement agencies of the origins of the detectable radiation emanating from my total awesomeness.
Anyways, the guy in the Radioactive Lab was about as close to Zach Braff as I got on Monday. He was really cute and I joked around with him, because that’s what I do when I’m nervous. He even held my hand when they injected my poor chin with 8 needles.
I have to laugh…they give you four shots of lidocaine which supposedly blunts the pain of the “real” needles, but they did absolutely nothing, so it was just 8 sharp-ass needles in my chin. Yay!
I think, possibly the next thing that happened, was that I was kidnapped by aliens, because one minute it was 10:45 a.m. and I was laying wide awake waiting for them to come get me for the operating room and then suddenly I was in a totally different place at 3:20 p.m. with some woman telling me to take deep breaths.
Whaa.a.t??? That was freakin’ weird.
Fortunately, “A” DID come back and take me home. I think perhaps I was once again talking endlessly about not being able to participate in a “SCRUBS” musical number. I was also noticing how difficult it was to talk (having quickly noticed that my mouth was now partially sewn shut) and how I was slurring my words because of some truly bad ass hydrocodone pain pills.
The last couple of days have been extremely painful though. Sore throat from the air pipe down my throat evidently in the operation. The vice-like grip of all the stitches that encompass my chin and neck area. The especially irritating stitch in the bottom of my lip which is making it red and sore and swollen, also reminding me that it is attached INSIDE making opening my mouth nearly impossible. Extreme fatigue. Oh and trying to find new ways to eat soft food and stick straws in my mouth sideways. I’m like totally awesome right now.
My art friend JS did take me up the hill for a second appointment on Wednesday. He had called to see how I was Tuesday and then offered his services. I was able to get some of the bandages changed. The doctor said to stop taking the heavy duty pain pills. She also told me I was cancer-free, which I guess was the whole point of this, I suppose.
I have one more appointment next Tuesday to get the stitches out. I mean, I’m sure I’ll have more appointments, since this is a cancer-related thing. I’ll be really glad to get all these freakin’ stitches out. And if nothing else, this whole thing has taught me one thing. You really know who your friends are during a crisis.
Thanks “A” and “JS”.