now when is christmas?

Oh man, I am totally kicking it in the Christmas card department. I mean woo! Kick-….in’…it. Huge trucks are backing up to my apartment building. The postal service has had to hire extra people. I mean fuck that thing about a failing economy. witty’s Christmas card postal delivery-o-rama has most certainly employed at least 3000 people in the upstate area. And we still have at least 3 days left. I mean, WTF! What recession??? I know for a fact that at least 37 supersonic jets have had to fly in and 800 people have had to unload them.

OK. I’ve only gotten one card so far. Shut up! Its a really cool card. Its hand drawn by my artist friend Sci Fi Guy, with a Santa Claus flying over a cemetary with a bag full of bloody body parts in his sleigh being pulled by a skeletal reindeer with a light bulb strapped to his nose. There’s even a slight religious theme, since he’s flying over a church with zombies dancing out on the front lawn. OK, they might be getting ready to go to Mass. Or maybe getting ready to eat some altar boys or something. Because Christmas zombies really aren’t that discriminating, I hear.  

So yeah, its a banner year for Xmassss cards. The lovely PoolaGirl did send me a funny cyber card of a girl running around screaming whilst doing Christmas related tasks, which certainly seemed about right for me. I’ve been doing a lot of screaming lately too. Mostly in my car. Christmas angst its called. I’m not a big fan of Christmas and I’ve mostly steered clear of the malls this year. Although I did hit Michal’s (an art store) and Target on Saturday.

A very nice person from a local non-profit agency gave me a $20 gift card for the art store, so between our recent massive snow storms (not like yours, Las Vegas, ptooo–eee!), I managed to get out on Saturday.

I’m so damn OCD when I get a gift card, its ridiculous. I usually have to scour the entire store for like four hours in order to spend $20 and then to make matters even worse, I had nabbed a 40% off coupon on the internet and since I’m horrible with math, so I was walking around going, “Ok, 40% off $9.99 is…WHAT?!” I also wanted to buy a frame or two for some recent new paintings I just finished, but being the highly evolved individual that I am (I’m being ironic-here, heh!) , I put on my coat that morning, and forgot to bring the paintings with me. And you really can’t buy random frames without the artwork. So I just ended up buying some new pastels, a charcoal pencil and two larger canvases, so I’ll have even more unsold pieces of artwork in my apartment for Guardcat to snicker at. YAY! Always looking ahead. That’s me!

Target was much worse…people-wise. Having social anxiety and confronting  huge swells of people and shopping carts at the front door is about akin to seeing a massive 20 foot hight tsunami coming towards me and not having any place to run. So I mostly just kept my head down and thought of Johnny Depp licking chocolate off my naked body, so I wouldn’t have to look at all the mommies and daddies with their carts overflowing with gifties for their kids. Its a childhood thing, ya see.  Moving on.

My art class did have our yearly holiday themed party this last Wednesday. We’re going to be closed for the coming two weeks because they fall on Christmas and New Years Eve. Yikes! Two weeks without my art homies. That’s going to be rough!

Our Holiday-tackyuuular was pretty fun. My favorite model, a petite but fabulously interesting African American woman modeled. She had brought a Santa hat, but people wanted to draw her little tiny dreadlocks, so no Santa baby hat. Boo! Isn’t that silly?

Sci-Fi Guy came in and brought his vast collection of weird and wonderful Christmas music. Like Joe Friday arresting a guy for not believing in Santa Claus. I also put in my usual request for Adam Sandler’s “Chunukah Song”.  I love that silly thing and Sci-Fi Guy actually had both versions including the later one indicating Harrison Ford’s partial inclusion in the Jewish faith too. Me and “L” the Hippy Chick were just  gleefully snorting our way all the way through it. “L”‘s Jewish. I’m Jewish by Proxy.

About the only fly in the ointment was this jerky kid next to me singing along.  Helllllllo. You ain’t exactly Adam Sandler, asshat. I guess I should tell you about this guy. He’s been a thorn in my side for about two and a half months now. I go to my art class to relax and socialize. Its my only real place to have fun.

Well, this goofball, who’s about 23, sits in the class and blasts music through his headphones at about 4 million decibels. Its LOUD! As in, even if I’m sitting across the room, I can hear him over the top of the music we play. And unfortunately, I’ve even had the total misfortune of sitting right next to him for several weeks. I did finally ask him to turn it down because it was so disruptive. He did, but only grudgingly and then when he thought I wasn’t “looking” he turned it right back up. Well dickhead, it wasn’t about looking, it was really about hearing *Acid Voodoo Dolls Commit Suicide playing too damn fucking loud.

*I made that group up since I have never listened to a single heavy metal group in my entire life. I’m a Broadway geek and proud of it….Me suddenly breaking out into “The sun will come out tomorrow…” from “Annie”….Yo muthafucka! “Annie” rules! Yeahhhhh!!!!! (breaking a beer bottle on my head and flipping off  nearby rocker dudes).

Anyways, this kid’s music evidently was bothering other people too. We got complaints from 3-4 other people. We run our group like a business, of course.  People pay us. We like to keep them happy. I did ask him to turn down his music for two more weeks. Not much changed. He’d just turn it up again. Then  Charlemagne, with no prompting from me, got annoyed and told him not to play them, I think. At a subsequent board meeting we finally decided to ban the use of any headphones. Sure that might seem harsh, but we couldn’t just ask one person not to play them and not others.

So Charlemagne announced it. The kid was not happy. And guess who he blames? Go ahead guess. Me. So for the last 4-5 weeks, every week, at some point during the evening he will come up to me and give me lip and blame me. Or act menacing. It appears he’s a little wacky in the head. He’s even been making a point to grab the desk next to mine and look at my drawings and say things like “I really like the nipple on that one. Good definition. It looks really hard” and then lick his lips.

I am truly a freak magnet.


7 Responses to “now when is christmas?”

  1. Anna Says:

    Ooh that guy sounds vile – how dare he? (Waves of indignation wash over the Atlantic, causing mayhem amongst totally innocous seagulls and herring: What? What did I do?). Fucking Christmas – it’s the last bloody straw, isn’t it? This time next week it’ll all be over – that’s what I’m telling myself. Love love love xxx

  2. Anna Says:

    ps that last comment may have been lacking in seasonal bonhomie. What I meant to say was … nah – can’t even imagine it. Sorry. Over soon is the best I can do x

  3. zucchini breath Says:

    Not only harassment, but harassment of a sexual nature.

    It’s his own fault, he was asked nicely to turn them down. I know an 8 year old with more sense.

  4. Kungfukitten Says:

    Tell him that you’re hurt too by the new rule as you just got a load of punk CDs for Christmas that you wanted to listen to during art class. And whenever he makes a freaky suggestive comment, pretend he’s asking you out and then turn him down. “Thanks but I’m already seeing someone.” “We really don’t have much in common but I could introduce you to a friend of mine.” or “My dance card’s already filled up, try me in 2010.” It will probably totally confuse him. Damn metal heads. I’ve only gotten two cards and one is from my parents. Does that count?

  5. artgnome Says:

    I’d be telling that little pissant that I have an attorney and am not above pressing harassment charges or having him kicked out the group completely. Let Char know what the little weasel is doing. Defend your turf, girl!

  6. stepfordtart Says:

    I watched Oliver with the kids yesterday. We ‘considered ouselves’ fucking brilliant at copying the dancing! s x

  7. scotvalkyrie Says:

    How come there’s always one the group who have to ruin everything? You can always refuse to take his money.

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