This was definitely the calm before the storm, as I took the train to see my best friend “G” last week. I love riding in trains. I find them very relaxing and a great place to draw those rather quivery New Yorker style pen and ink drawings of nearby people. Granted they aren’t as interesting as people on buses, since trains cost $40 and buses cost $1. And also I’m not nearly as afraid that there will be gun-play or that some old creepy dude will want to show me his willy or propose marriage (yes, its happened….the marriage part, not the willy, thank goodness). No. Trains appear to be relatively safe and my trip was very relaxing despite having a severe case of sinusitis.
When I got to Rochester there was only one public phone (three were torn out of the wall) and some crazy homeless type woman was slobbering all over it, and I was afraid to ask her to hurry the hell up, so I just went out front and hailed a cab. Oh how totally cosmopolitan of me.
I only did that because I had Map-quested the hotel and knew it was only about a mile from the train station. It was great to see my hunky, adorable best friend “G”. He immediately showed me that we were mere steps away from a very sad looking covered swimming pool outside the hotel room. Woot! But since it was only about 52 degrees out, we chose to walk around downtown. Being a New Yawker now, I wanted to show “G” how totally meteorologically macho I was, so I went without my coat and nearly froze my ass off from the frigid winds blasting through downtown. Our close personal friend Pigpen went with us, but he was smart. He stayed snuggled in my friend’s coat pocket.
After a quick bite to eat we went over to a big old theatre where my friend’s show was. He’s traveling with a Broadway musical and I got to see a free show. And also touch Broadway musical props and costumes when people weren’t looking. And meet actors and chihuahua wranglers. And draw pictures of stage managers, which is what my friend is. I enjoyed the show and my friend bought me a shirt from the show, which I’m now using as a night shirt, being just slightly taller than Mini-Me and all. We talked well into the night when we got back to the hotel, snarfing down pizza after midnight and watching end-to-end “Daily Show”s with my boyfriend Jon Stewart since I don’t have cable.
It was great seeing him though. It gets lonely on the road, hotel room after hotel room, so hopefully he enjoyed our visit as much as I did. I had been worried about snoring really loud because of my bodacious sinus infection, but he kindly said I didn’t….even though I’m fairly certain that I did. Thanks “G’, you’re a real gentleman!
And once again seeing “G” reminded me what friendship and intimacy are all about and re-activated the need in me to be with someone….you know, besides the cat. (Sorry Guardcat).
The next day I met up with fellow D’lander, ArtGnome, who was a very gracious hostess bringing me to both her art studio and out to a yummy Mexican restaurant. It was nice talking to a like spirit. Thanks, my dear.
But then it was back to reality. When I hit the train station at home there were torrential rains. I was feeling really lousy because of my sinus infection as I was driving home along flooded streets. Guardcat was certainly happy to see me, but I conked out immediately for several hours and woke up in the dark. Alone. Again.
This was all at the tail end of a really really busy couple of months. A time that I felt had been one of the best in recent years. Two solo art shows. Four group shows. The sale of seven paintings. Me coming out of my shell verbally and not desperately grasping for every “A” appointment I could get. And even better, I had really been kicking ass all summer, walking 10-12 miles a week. I had also, of course, recently made the decision to go back to school and ACTUALLY TAKEN THE STEPS TO DO IT. OMG….the Queen of Apathy actually rises from the dead to do something besides eat M&Ms!! Call CNN!!
And then came my appointment at the University last Thursday….
I had been perusing the university website and all the grant websites and everything looked really good. I felt that I could go back to school to study painting for almost nothing, despite the fact that I was going to a very prestigious university with internationally known artists teaching the classes. I was so psyched!
And then I talked to the financial advisor, who evidently had only had about a half hour’s sleep the night before, since she kept yawning, rubbing her eyes and acting like she was about ready to drop off the entire time we were talking. Hey chick, ya want a Red Bull? I’ll get’cha one, you know, just so you can kinda pay attention here.
I had done everything correctly except apply for the FAFSA application online. So she put me at a desk in some cubical next to some people who were laughing and joking. It was really distracting. The guy standing next to me was actually giving me the “Hey, you’re cute” hairy eyeball and kept making jokes and then looking at me as if waiting for some kind of response. And I was thinking, dude, my entire future is tied up in this application so could you please shut the fuck up?? Plus the application had a bunch of numbers to punch in, so I was really confused, being of art brain and all.
I finally finished it though and Sleepy Girl came and printed out my application and did some math on a piece of paper. To make a long story short, I don’t qualify for this certain grant because I’m not part of a family unit with kids. If I had gotten that grant, my education would have been close to free. I would have only had a very tiny loan. Now, instead, the cost of taking two classes is close to $1900. And I’d have to pay it off in 6 months once I stopped going to school. Yeah, right. I don’t even have enough money for cable TV. How could I pay over $300 a month on a school loan?
So I came very close to tears in her office. I felt like everything that I had accomplished in the last six months…the rebuilding of my very fragile ego, the jettisoning people who make me feel bad, the proving to myself that I COULD do things and that I wasn’t just some useless financial drain on the government, all shattered. I sobbed all the way home in the car.
And this weekend was even worse. There’s someone in my life I don’t care for. She sent me a note. I sent one back. She sent one back with a tiny bit of snark….a little jab at me. Normally it wouldn’t bother me. But I just started weeping. Then I started Googling her and found her website with all her beautiful artwork. And then that inexplicably lead to Married Guy’s wifie’s website with all her beautiful artwork (which sells for in the thousands). Both women are married, have money, nice houses, art degrees (from the university I want to go to), nice art studios in their homes and can do art freely (i.e., afford to buy art supplies, etc.) Me? I don’t have any of that. Am I resentful? Yes.
I guess I just don’t understand why this woman who has everything would want to do a drive-by snarking in an e-mail? You have everything, woman. Why kick somebody when they’re down? But then again, Married Guy’s wifie was the same way. I think she always felt threatened by me for some silly reason, and would try to show off by spewing obscure art names at me while I looked at her blankly. Back then I didn’t know them, but now I would totally kick her skinny little ass.
Obscure Spanish Artists from the 1920’s for $600 please, Alex.
So I don’t know what to do. I skipped an invitation to a Le@ther Ball party this weekend by a new hip gallery owner I’ve been in contact with. I had sent her the address of my Deviantart website and she said she was interested but now since I feel like a piece of poop on a wino’s shoe, I haven’t been back in contact with her.
Yay me and might I add….vintage witty. Welcome back.