before the crash

This was definitely the calm before the storm, as I took the train to see my best friend “G” last week. I love riding in trains. I find them very relaxing and a great place to draw those rather quivery New Yorker style pen and ink drawings of nearby people. Granted they aren’t as interesting as people on buses, since trains cost $40 and buses cost $1. And also I’m not nearly as afraid that there will be gun-play or that some old creepy dude will want to  show me his willy or propose marriage (yes, its happened….the marriage part, not the willy, thank goodness). No. Trains appear to be relatively safe and my trip was very relaxing despite having a severe case of sinusitis.

When I got to Rochester there was only one public phone (three were torn out of the wall) and some crazy homeless type woman was slobbering all over it, and I was afraid to ask her to hurry the hell up, so I just went out front and hailed a cab. Oh how totally cosmopolitan of me.


I only did that because I had Map-quested the hotel and knew it was only about a mile from the train station. It was great to see my hunky, adorable best friend “G”. He immediately showed me that we were mere steps away from a very sad looking covered swimming pool outside the hotel room. Woot! But since it was only about 52 degrees out, we chose to walk around downtown. Being a New Yawker now, I wanted to show “G” how totally meteorologically macho I was, so I went without my coat and nearly froze my ass off from the frigid winds blasting through downtown. Our close personal friend Pigpen went with us, but he was smart. He stayed snuggled in my friend’s coat pocket.

After a quick bite to eat we went over to a big old theatre where my friend’s show was. He’s traveling with a Broadway musical and I got to see a free show. And also touch Broadway musical props and costumes when people weren’t looking. And meet actors and chihuahua wranglers. And draw pictures of stage managers, which is what my friend is. I enjoyed the show and my friend bought me a shirt from the show, which I’m now using as a night shirt, being just slightly taller than Mini-Me and all. We talked well into the night when we got back to the hotel, snarfing down pizza after midnight and watching end-to-end “Daily Show”s with my boyfriend Jon Stewart since I don’t have cable.

It was great seeing him though. It gets lonely on the road, hotel room after hotel room, so hopefully he enjoyed our visit as much as I did. I had been worried about snoring really loud because of my bodacious sinus infection, but he kindly said I didn’t….even though I’m fairly certain that I did. Thanks “G’, you’re a real gentleman!

And once again seeing “G” reminded me what friendship and intimacy are all about and re-activated the need in me to be with someone….you know, besides the cat. (Sorry Guardcat).

The next day I met up with fellow D’lander, ArtGnome, who was a very gracious hostess bringing me to both her art studio and out to a yummy Mexican restaurant.  It was nice talking to a like spirit. Thanks, my dear.

But then it was back to reality. When I hit the train station at home there were torrential rains. I was feeling really lousy because of my sinus infection as I was driving home along flooded streets. Guardcat was certainly happy to see me, but I conked out immediately for several hours and woke up in the dark. Alone. Again.

This was all at the tail end of a really really busy couple of months. A time that I felt had been one of the best in recent years. Two solo art shows. Four group shows. The sale of seven paintings. Me coming out of my shell verbally and not desperately grasping for every “A” appointment I could get. And even better, I had really been kicking ass all summer, walking 10-12 miles a week. I had also, of course, recently made the decision to go back to school and ACTUALLY TAKEN THE STEPS TO DO IT. OMG….the Queen of Apathy actually rises from the dead to do something besides eat M&Ms!! Call CNN!!

And then came my appointment at the University last Thursday….

I had been perusing the university website and all the grant websites and everything looked really good. I felt that I could go back to school to study painting for almost nothing, despite the fact that I was going to a very prestigious university with internationally known artists teaching the classes. I was so psyched!

And then I talked to the financial advisor, who evidently had only had about a half hour’s sleep the night before, since she kept yawning, rubbing her eyes and acting like she was about ready to drop off the entire time we were talking. Hey chick, ya want a Red Bull? I’ll get’cha one, you know, just so you can kinda pay attention here.

I had done everything correctly except apply for the FAFSA application online. So she put me at a desk in some cubical next to some people who were laughing and joking. It was really distracting. The guy standing next to me was actually giving me the “Hey, you’re cute” hairy eyeball and kept making jokes and then looking at me as if waiting for some kind of response. And I was thinking, dude, my entire future is tied up in this application so could you please shut the fuck up?? Plus the application had a bunch of numbers to punch in, so I was really confused, being of art brain and all. 

I finally finished it though and Sleepy Girl came and printed out my application and did some math on a piece of paper. To make a long story short, I don’t qualify for this certain grant because I’m not part of a family unit with kids. If I had gotten that grant, my education would have been close to free. I would have only had a very tiny loan. Now,  instead, the cost of taking two classes is close to $1900. And I’d have to pay it off in 6 months once I stopped going to school. Yeah, right. I don’t even have enough money for cable TV. How could I pay over $300 a month on a school loan?

So I came very close to tears in her office. I felt like everything that I had accomplished in the last six months…the rebuilding of my very fragile ego, the jettisoning people who make me feel bad, the proving to myself that I COULD do things and that I wasn’t just some useless financial drain on the government, all shattered. I sobbed all the way home in the car.

And this weekend was even worse. There’s someone in my life I don’t care for. She sent me a note. I sent one back. She sent one back with a tiny bit of snark….a little jab at me. Normally it wouldn’t bother me. But I just started weeping. Then I started Googling her and found her website with all her beautiful artwork. And then that inexplicably lead to Married Guy’s wifie’s website with all her beautiful artwork (which sells for in the thousands). Both women are married, have money, nice houses, art degrees (from the university I want to go to),  nice art studios in their homes and can do art freely (i.e., afford to buy art supplies, etc.) Me? I don’t have any of that. Am I resentful? Yes.

I guess I just don’t understand why this woman who has everything would want to do a drive-by snarking in an e-mail? You have everything, woman. Why kick somebody when they’re down? But then again, Married Guy’s wifie was the same way. I think she always felt threatened by me for some silly reason, and would try to show off by spewing obscure art names at me while I looked at her blankly. Back then I didn’t know them, but now I would totally kick her skinny little ass.

Obscure Spanish Artists from the 1920’s for $600 please, Alex. 

So I don’t know what to do. I skipped an invitation to a Le@ther Ball party this weekend by a new hip gallery owner I’ve been in contact with. I had sent her the address of my Deviantart website and she said she was interested but now since I feel like a piece of poop on a wino’s shoe, I haven’t been back in contact with her.

Yay me and might I add….vintage witty.  Welcome back.


16 Responses to “before the crash”

  1. Poolie Says:

    Some people just like to snark. I don’t understand that. And why do people take such pleasure in snarking February 12th Aquarians? We must be blessed or something. I’m sending you a link to some cool artist cottages here in the park.

    Here goes! Guess you have to copy/paste it.

  2. Anna Says:

    Some people just want a good slap. Jealous of your talent, I reckon. I really hope your sinusitis is all gone and that you feel better soon. Big hugs xxx

  3. artgnome Says:

    I’m sooo sorry things did not go well at the college. There has to be some way it can be worked out. I’ve also asked to speak to other people in the Financial Aid offices if I don’t get the help I’m looking for.

    People that snark are not happy people. They may look like they have everything on the outside, my dear, but I’m pretty sure they don’t have squat when it comes to peace, contentment and living up to one’s potential. Many great artists had very little training. Snobby upscale women with training and studios have men that cheat on them and God knows what else hiding in their ginormous closets.

    I hope we can get together again soon and do some art. I also want to talk to you about putting a show together for those great self portraits of yours. Think Cindy Sherman, dude.

    Big hugs of support for you!

  4. crankygirl Says:

    Rochester sounds great–sorry the pendulum swung the other way. As someone who ate some poo today, I feel for you with the snarky folks. They are just evil beasts.

  5. Pam Says:

    I wish I could help. Is there someone at the school who works specifically with grants and scholarships as opposed to loans that you could talk to – or WAS that sleepy woman?? Where I work, we have a scholarships unit within Financial Aid and they just seem … more willing to help to help potential students find and apply for little known-about money, I guess.

    And snarky people who have everything they want and still feel need to lash out at others bite butt. Dirty butt.

  6. LA Says:

    That totally bites about school! Shoot.

    As for the swing into the lonely black…my sympathies. Self-medicating with the kid’s Halloween candy and endless hours of video games here and feeling the suck of the pit of despair at mid-thigh level already. I don’t think I’m getting out unscathed this time. ~LA

  7. warcrygirl Says:

    Aw man, I’m so sorry to hear about the crash. Being married I don’t qualify for any aid yet I can’t afford to go back to school. Ill-placed snark sucks, I hope she gets hit by a bus.

  8. stepfordtart Says:

    Meh. Thats a big ole pile of poo. Do you have some kind of education office over there where you could get advice about what you’re eligible for before you apply anywhere else? Over here, if you’re unemployed and on any kind of benefits (disability, incapacity, whatever) they are falling over themselves to give you £££s. Come on sweetie, onwards and upwards. s xxxx

  9. Seacreature Says:

    So, because you don’t have a faaamblee and fucking kids, you’re not allowed the grant? What BULLSHIT. I’m so sorry, dear. There’s gotta be another way, there’s just GOTTA.

    I must hand it to you for wanting to go back to school…actually, for all of the things you’ve accomplished lately. I understand though, it doesn’t feel like enough compared to those women. There’s always someone better. Always. It sucks. Curses to that bitch who felt the need to bug you. That’s why I hate people with a passion, it’s human nature to be an asshole.

  10. geekbetty Says:

    I missed the deadline by THREE DAYS for my application and didn’t get a grant to go to school this next semester. I pretty much cried right then and there too.
    And married with kids isn’t heaven, darlin’. I was happier AFTER I left my husband than I ever was with him. I know it feels like the American dream and what you “should” be doing. But you’re not. And that’s because you’re not the normal head up their ass American yahoo either. You’re intelligent and extremely talented. You’ve got more to offer than a home cooked meal for some chauvinistic pig when he comes home from work to scarf down and then pass out on the couch farting at eight p.m. (oh oops sorry flashback to my marriage again). Don’t let it get you down, witty. You’re wonderful.

  11. scotvalkyrie Says:

    I’d go back to the school and talk to someone for a second opinion of the financial nonsense. I think the half-asleep chick dropped the ball on you. There’s got to be a different financial plan that you can live with. And people who do drive-by snarkings suck sweaty monkey balls!

  12. Kat Says:

    I know this is off topic but I was just over at WCG’s blog and read your comment there and I wanted to let you know that I’m sending good thoughts your way and I hope every thing works out for you, soon.
    As for your medicaid, I really wish tht Americans would stop listening to the propaganda that the health insurance companies pay big bucks to spread and really take a good look at Canadian Health Care.
    We can see any doctor that we want, when we want. My brother is on disability for mental issues as well as physical and he gets to see therapists, he gets assistance in paying for his medications.
    My youngest son is disabled, he is in a wheel chair (that is funded by the health care system), he uses a walker (again funded by the health care system) and uses a stander (not to be a broken record but funded by the health care system). His prescriptions are covered the system, I don’t pay a cent. His dental is covered by the system, not a cent comes out of my pocket.
    He sees a pediatrician, a musculeo-skeletal specialst, both of them twice a year (more if necessary). He sees feeding therapists, physio and occupational therapists, and he sees our regular doctor whenever he needs to. I never have to stop and think about my financial situation when one of my children or myself get sick.
    I don’t understand how a persons physical well being can be a ‘business’. I can’t understand how Americans don’t demand to have a similar system?

    I hope that you get the help you need soon, and I’m sorry it’s taking so long.

  13. Holly Says:

    ((hugs)) bites about the school thing. I don’t know why they couldnt’ have told you that in the beginning instead of waiting till you think you have it. Jerks!! I never understood driveby snark, or annoymous snark either. Get a back bone, if you can’t say it in person, shut up. hang in there.

  14. Anna Says:

    Loving the dinosaur! Hope you don’t mind what Mona’s been up to – I too k a copy and I’m hoping to get it laminated as I have plans… Well, it keeps us occupied. xxx

  15. boxx Says:

    You only have to pay back the loans once you STOP going to school. The solution to THAT is to NEVER stop going to school. As long as you are taking ONE class per semester you are OK. There’s always something that interests me, it can even be an online course. I have 70 units PAST my BA. When it’s time for repayment they will work with you to lower the payments and spread them out over a lifetime. Do you already have your AA? It’s cheaper to take lower division courses at a JC and then transfer to a 4 year. YOU CAN DO THIS. TRUST. BELIEVE. One day at a time. One class at a time. Eventually it gets completed. I didn’t even start university until I was 42 years old.

  16. Anna Says:

    Aw Witty, I am so hoping and praying (or whatever it’s called when a person is a heathen) that you get to see somebody as soon as bloody possible. Big hugs, big big hugs xxxxxx

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