free samples and other stuff

Its Saturday night and I’m sitting here eating an apple. Yes. I know. You wish you were me. I went to the Yuppie Grocery Store today and it was brimming with people.  In SUVs. Possibly Democrats, or as my recent visiting friend’s son from California calls them, “Demon-crats”.

Now that my photo has been on for about 4-5 months now, I always feel really self conscious as I walk through the store. Men look at me and I wonder…are they saying, “Oh, she was on my list of potentials this week. But she didn’t list her income and she said she was an artist (read: No income, possible whack-job, looking to suck me dry financially, although she might be good for some crazy artist sex tying me up with nylon drape cords and photographing me and putting it on Flickr). I mean, I can just see it in their eyes as I’m loading up on apples and grapes. I’ve really been eating a lot of fruit lately. And boy have I been horny. I wonder if there any correlation there. Do you think??

If you don’t mind the crowds, the Yuppie Grocery Store is a good place to go on Saturday because there are many free food samples to be tested. Many. Like today was the BEST DAY EVAH!!!! They had a Kid’s Back to School Healthy Snack Testing Area and fortunately I was able to blend in with the kids, even though I’m 50. Maybe they were talking mental age rather than your chronological age.


Anyways, I had already pigged my way through some of the other sample areas, like the chocolate cookies in the bakery area. I got it from a woman I had formerly worked with who had covertly given me some pain pills when I had worked there. Can you imagine? Just giving someone pain pills? I had never taken them however, since I barely knew her and I didn’t recognize the pills and they might have been “Make a person take their clothes off and run naked through the Yuppie Grocery Store” pills. That would have been my luck.

Next I scarfed up a cup of twirly apple pieces, even though they were actually selling apple peeling machines. How quaint is that in this highly technological world of ours? The young girl was being so helpful as she tried to explain what an apple peeler actually did, but duh! I grew up in the Gravenstein Apple growing capital of the world in California and lived in the middle of an apple orchard for most of my teenage years. I even tried to be the Apple Blossom Queen but got totally knocked out of the competition for one reason and one reason only. Beauty gets you husbands pageants, but intelligence is forever. The truth hurts, doesn’t it witty? Naw, beauty fades and husbands runs off with their secretaries, at least that’s what I’m telling myself.

I then saw a sample table with probiotic yogurt with chunks of some NEW AND HEALTHY Fiber Nugget cereal. Funny how they didn’t even attempt to give it a cute name like “Captain Crunch” or “Count Chocula”. Just Fiber Nuggets. Isn’t that what my carpet made out of?

I finally got to their Kid’s Snack Sample Area, a.k.a. More Free Cookies under the guise of healthy snacks. YAY! At the first table they had a bunch of cookies that looked a lot like Oreos, but ALAS OH FOOLISH ONES, these are healthy and nutritious and have only been touched by blind vegan virgins who have never even worn anything polyester.. cookies! They had even set up a little game for the kids like Pin the Tail on the Organic Cow…a game for  every kid who must hear the words “Good Job” for absolutely everything they do in order to function.

But this one soccer mom, who thankfully didn’t look anything like a pit bill, but WAS wearing lipstick, was really kicking it Old Skool. I mean she instantly started telling her little son, “No! They’re all crooked, Jebediah! No, you’re doing it wrong, Jebediah! Oh great, now they’re NEVER going to give you a cookie (you stupid little imbecile)”. How she ever get through the “I-AM-zen-therefore-I-am” scanner at the entrance of the Yuppie Grocery Store, I’ll never know. Maybe she was just momentarily cramming for a Presidential Debate or something and didn’t elicit a true reading.

Please ignore the fact that she looks slightly like me.  Its purely coincidental. (This is your fault Hiss!)

Fortunately, I didn’t have to do any complex cookie stacking game or name the lengthy list of healthy ingredients like virgin cocoa beans or wheat grass blessed by the Dali Llama. I just had to pop one into my mouth, which is just how I like it. Healthy? Unhealthy? Who the hell cares. Its chocolate isn’t it?

I made the rounds for the rest of the snacks and got various incarnations of what I used to eat as a kid, except I guess, perhaps healthier. Round balls of chocolate cereal. Said cookies. Squares of fudge, except with fiber nuggets. Rice cakes that tasted like styrofoam. And a really good breakfast bar….made of chocolate.

Come to think of it, I don’t think I ever had this much chocolate as a kid. All I remember was that exquisite moment at lunch when I would slowly and delicately unwrap my single tin-foil wrapped Ding Dong and pretty much smash the entire thing in my mouth.

Reason #129 why 12 year old boys thought I was so hot!

I later saw my neighbor walk by with her cart as I was waiting for my prescription and we chatted for a minute. She is literally the only person I really like at my complex and so many I don’t. 

In fact last night I pretty much felt like I was about ready to  punch Big Mouth (the woman directly across the courtyard from me) since she has probably woken me up at least 45 times since she moved here last March. She has an incredibly loud, booming voice and even before the warm months came, I could hear her yacking through my double paned windows. So you can imagine the joy of having my entire apartment face her apartment with all my windows open all summer. Pure hell. She doesn’t appear to sleep. She has her lights on til 2-3 a.m. and then she’ll go sit under the tree by my bedroom window, smoking a cigarette at 6 a.m.  and hacking her lung out whilst chatting to whoever will walk by.  When she’s alone she’ll rock back and forth with her head lolled back and jiggle her legs about 150 mph. She is just plain berserky. 

Anyways, this last week has been particularly bad. She has woken me up 4 times in the last 6 days. A couple times around 8 a.m. Once at 6:30 a.m. And then last night at 4:10 a.m. She was just sitting under the tree, coughing and hacking uncontrollably in the middle of the night. Like WTF! Go sit in your own damn apartment and do that bitch.  I’ve now slammed my windows shut twice this week to show my displeasure. This morning though I finally just shouted….”Could you please do that out front??” (I’m not too Zen when I get woken up in the middle of the freakin’ night). And then I never got back to sleep until 6 a.m.

What’s this have to do with seeing my neighbor in the store? Oh, absolutely nothing. I was going to ask her about what she thought I should do, but she was having an allergy attack, so I just let it go. Although she did ask me “Who that cute guy I was with last week.” And I’m standing there going….Me? cute guy….cute guy???” It was you “J”. She saw you. So I just thought I would pass that on to you, that someone thought you were cute.

Of course I did get a new sort of pick up line at my art class the other night. It was kind of a non-sequitor. I had signed in on our logbook for the class. And then this guy who is probably in my age range signed in right behind me and proudly noticed that we had the SAME INITIALS. OMG! That must mean we’re like totally compatible and we should immediately retire to the unisex bathroom and just see how that Same Initial thing works out.

Me: “Oh brother….” (to myself). “If that is all he can come up with…

 And then last week another guy who is both an artist and model, who usually ignores me, was all about witty and when I was talking to another woman during the break, came up behind me and poked me in the ribs. Again, WTF? I haven’t had anyone do that since high school.  When I got home I immediately called “L” the Hippy Chick and asked her what she thought that meant. She said he had smiled at me really flirtatiously too. This guy actually dated Married Guy’s wifie in high school. Like eeew! Is that not weird. So I just decided to ignore all of it. Why?

Boys are weird.


8 Responses to “free samples and other stuff”

  1. hissandtell Says:

    It STILL cracks me up. I think it just could be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen — it’s certainly the funniest thing I’ve seen so far in this election campaign! Love, R xxx

  2. artgnome Says:

    art openings are also great places to scarf a free dinner off the hors deurve trays, and sometimes there is free wine too!

    you will have to someday come visit me here and I will take you to the yuppie grocery store’s mecca that is in Pittsford, our wealthiest stepford suburb. They actually brought Cher there when she was touring through here one year and she LOVED it. It’s above and beyond awesome.

  3. stepfordtart Says:

    There’s a furniture store here where they bake their own cookies which you can eat while you’re browsing the (horribly expensive) furniture. I went there a coupleof times with L when we were looking for a new dining table and I always helped myself to the cookies. Ive never been quite brave enough to walk in there, take a cookie and just walk straight back out – I always pretend to be looking at some piece of furniture for a while first. If you’re ever here, we’ll go in together, stand at the counter until we’ve eaten EVERY ONE and then we’ll just stroll out with nary a backward glance at the portemanteaux! s x

  4. Poolie Says:

    I just woke up all my neighbors here before 6:00 AM – laughing at your entry! You are sooo funny! And the photo is hysterical!

  5. DanjerusKurves Says:

    Ahhhhhhhhhhhh … witty at her finest. You just can’ t beat that!

  6. Shippie Says:

    Soooooo???? Did ya check out that unisex bathroom?? If you didn’t, why the hell not??!!!

  7. Seacreature Says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That’s a gorgeous cover there… Man, you crack me up. Now go stuff a ding dong in your mouth! Hehehe!

  8. Anna Says:

    I can’t believe I missed this when you posted it – deeply traumatised, I am.

    It reminded me of when the kids were small and we were skint – we used to grab all the freebies we could get. Like artgnome says – art openings are brilliant – go on kids, eat eat eat. Never did have any decorum.

    Hugs xxx

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