Talk about a full day this weekend. Okay, a full day for me, the person who generally sleeps until almost noon (except for the part where I get woken up every single frickin’ morning by my idiot neighbor Garden Hacker who thinks he’s at Starbucks and chats very loudly under my bedroom window at 7:45 a.m. to everyone going off to work). I’ll then barely climb out of bed and make a grill cheese at exactly 12:07 and watch the Noon News, already in progress. And then onto “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” (Me! Me!! Me!!!) and all the other mindless crap shows the rest of the day, sitting on the couch like an Irish Buddha, with my remote switching back and forth between Court TV, Oprah, Phil, Ellen (though briefly, because I’m not a big fan) and then its dinner, a walk, night time television and my one brief human interaction with my Mom at midnight on the phone and then bed.
Isn’t that exciting? Don’t you just want to fly in from your location and trade lives with me? Of course there are those terribly exciting adventures I have on my walks. Like the other evening at dusk. Let’s call it “The Freak Who Nearly Scared the Pee Out of Witty.”
Now I’ve been walking along the canal for almost 12 years now. It is a beautiful location with lots of nature and birds and trees and of course the canal. I always feel safe there. I’ve walked there at all different times of the day (except early morning…are you paying attention? I get up at noon…remember??), all different seasons and with all different people.
This last weekend we had some big thunderstorms. The clouds were stunning. I am an avid photographer. I always have my camera with me. So when the rain stopped, I decided to run over to the canal to photograph the big thunderheads against a natural backdrop. It was around dusk.
So I’m walking along the trail. La, la, la. I generally walk with my head down. I know. My bad. I did happen to look up just in time to see this scrabbly looking guy walking towards me. He had long stringy hair and was also walking with his head down, thus making his face hard to see. He was about 150 feet ahead of me on the trail. Suddenly he turned sideways and appeared to be taking a leak. RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING TRAIL. Like WTF? That was creepy. Naturally, I slowed down considerably since god forbid, I should walk in, on his pee break in the middle of the fucking public nature trail.
So he finally finished his business, I guess, since he turned and started walking towards me once again. We passed on the trail and I was glad to be past him. You know, as in Bye-bye, Mr. Pee-Right-In-Front-Of-Me-ON-the-TRAIL-You-Fucking-Perv. So I started to walk a little faster, you know, to get AWAY from him and just hopefully enjoy the rest of my walk.
I then did something I don’t normally do. I guess it was just the weird circumstances, perhaps. Because after walking about another 100 feet, I shot a glance over my shoulder, and Pee-Boy who was still walking, suddenly and rather abruptly stopped and turned around and was now walking up behind me.
So I kept walking for a short time, totally aware of where he was, since I could hear the crunch of the rocks under his shoes. I then stopped and pretended to take a photo of some prehistoric turtles in the canal or some god damn thing. I don’t know. I was glued to the spot to be honest, since he was nearly upon me. Having been a victim of rape, once upon a time, I do tend to be a little hypersensitive about situations like this, especially when there are only two of us on the trail and he just seemingly peed in front of you…ya know. So I finally just turned around and started to walk back towards HIM and the cars, just as he passed me.
See, two can play at this game. Although I felt like saying something like “Top of the evening, asshole” or “I’ve got pepper spray and you’re about 2 seconds away from getting a nostril full”, but I truly didn’t know how he’d react, especially since we were the only people on the trail. So I once again passed him and nervously looked over my shoulder and guess what? Go ahead, guess! Yeah, Pee-Boy decided to make his THIRD directional change and was AGAIN walking up behind me.
So did I walk fast? Let’s just say I would have definitely won the Gold Medal for the Chubby White Girls Walking Fast event.
I did finally get back to the old Subaru. Once there I took two quick photos of the cars in the parking lots and their license plates. How totally “MacGiver” of me, huh? But I was scared he’d see me doing that and try to chase me down or something, so I didn’t look back that last time. My heart was pounding too hard. I just jumped into my car and tore out of that parking lot and went the long way home. Like through Canada.
And people wonder why I don’t leave my house much.
In other news…better news, I was cleaning out my closet when I came across a binder from a “Women in Business” seminar I had attended last Spring. It really didn’t have anything I was interested in. Its not like I’ll ever be in business or anything. But as I was looking through it briefly a little tiny white tee-shirt fell out. And then I remembered that the woman who started the “Stuff a Stuffed Toy” stores had spoken at the seminar. So I held the shirt up and said, “Oh Guardcat….”
Okay, I’m fairly certain I’ve now cemented my place in Middle Aged Crazy Cat Ladydom, by what happened next. Yes, within seconds I had Guardcat in a total head lock (she’s not a real Hold Me-Give Me a Kiss type of cat). Once I got the shirt on her….AND IT WAS A PERFECT FIT TOO!!!…I had the longest most solid, 10 MINUTE belly laugh I’ve had in probably 10 years. Why? Because there was Guardcat walking around on the kitchen counter like some surly Sumo Wrestler. Talk about pissed. Eventually though, she finally got used to the tee-shirt and was soon prancing around the apartment like some uber feline pilate instructor. The only problem now is that she wants me to take her to Target for a new Fall wardrobe.
Does this pilate shirt make my head look too big?