Now that Hell Week is over, I barely have anything to do and no Scientists to date and no cars to fix, I’ve decided to maybe answer some of the 224 pieces of SPAM mail that have inexplicably filled my mailbox in a single night. It appears that dear old Diaryland has once again really dropped the ball, because many of them are addressed to firstname.lastname@example.org! Can you imagine? That person isn’t even real! Its just another sad, invisible person on the internet, making fun of their friends and wreaking havoc in their real life. So, well, here I go, in a heroic attempt to answer all my legion of fans sending letters to my REAL e-mail address. These highlighted sentences, of course, are what are written on the subject lines:
For awittykitty: Shocking video shows Spongebob and Gay Sex
You know, I thought you’d never ask, my friend. Because there is nothing I’d rather see than a giant naked yellow square sponge thingie, with no discernable naughty bits, engaging in erotic behavior with say, a Gay Spatula. I say, bring it on. And don’t forget the digital camera with movie mode either. Wink, wink.
For a wittykitty: Scientist create prosthetic brain.
Ok, ever since I had one date with a scientist I’m now evidently on the scientist SPAM list for some reason. “Scientist Discover Paris Hilton DNA on Sistine Chapel Ceiling”, “Scientist Discover Joan Rivers and T-Rex are only one generation apart”. I mean, WTF? Didn’t we already prove these guys are just way too deep for me and my little artbrain when we had our slice of pizza? So shoo! Go play with your test tubes, Einstein!
Do not want to buy their shops unknown them at strange stores.
Okay, so apparently you’re either from India and trying to look up information on my VISA account or you’re somebody speaking in secret code. I mean can’t you just see George Bush and Dick Cheney at some high level security meeting, shooting a glance at each other and then saying, “Do not want to buy their shop (giggle, giggle)…unknown them at strange (gasping for breath…snort, snort) stores”. Delete!
I decided to combine several of these since I’ve had so many regarding the male anatomy and none of which are spelled correctly. I mean I’m sure there is some correlation there. Am I right, guys? Well duh! Wouldn’t it be hard for YOU to type, let alone spell correctly when, well you know, you’re constantly looking down at what god gave you and you’re just in awe, I mean in absolute freaking awe! Of course in my case, I was talking about my boobs….not sure what you were talking about.
Well, lets first start with my particular favorite from whom I get something from every.single.day. If nothing else, he’s consistent.
Is Yours D1ck 2 short?
Short and to the point, D1ck is. It sorta looks like something an illiterate train-riding hobo might write it, although how could he get access to a computer everyday, unless, perhaps, he was able to jump off at some Starbucks where they had a Wifi connection where he could send out his daily mass mailings, as well as maybe write in his Hobo Blog: “HoboD1ck on the Road” about cooking beans and his life as a serial killer because women always made fun of his weenie. I’m just making this all up and guessing because thats what cheeky writers like to do. Please HoboD1ck, please don’t come to my house and kill me. I’m sorry. You’re like the biggest I’ve ever seen! Honest!!
Do you want a 9 inch penis?
Only if its not attached to an idiot. Thanks.
We Guuuuarenteeees Bigger Pen-nis!!
Is that penis? Or just the plural spelling of that delicious Italian dish Penni? What?!! I get so confused with all these ridiculous Internet spellings. Gah!
Someone has sent you a dating site membership.
Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Step away from your credit card. I need art supplies much more than another month of sMatch.com which panned out to exactly one slice of pizza and a half hour of trying to be dazzling to someone who was looking at me like “Help, I’m on a date with Roseanne Barr, even though she knows who John Michael Basquait and Monet are. Help!” Thanks, but no thanks. Next….
Mom? I’m writing my blog, can you call me later?
For wittykitty: Gay men perceive each other as Homophobic
And you’re sending this to me why? For verification? Okay, yes, I’ve dated scads of gay guys, but I have no idea what they were doing when we weren’t watching “Cabaret” together. Next….
Women, reach Pleasure Paradise in 87 Seconds or Less. Guaranteed!!
At age 50, I can’t even open a bottle of Diet Coke in 87 seconds, so Pleasure Paradise? Doubtful. Or is this one of the OTHER thing they’re talking about, you know, the one I have probably filled at least 27 landfills full of batteries with over the last 32 years. I mean Al Gore has personally put me on the “Unnecessary Toxic Risk” list for all the batteries I’ve gone through with B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriends). Especially when I’m manic. Like right now. So just pretend you don’t hear that low buzzing noise. Its probably just a Republican sharpening a pencil somewhere.
Batman is Gay. See Video
Is this like six degrees of separation from that SpongeBob thingie? Why do you keep asking me gay cartoon questions? Although I suppose if you really look closely….Bruce Wayne does live alone. Dresses really nice. Runs around with a younger, cute guy. Watches “Project Runway” from the batmobile. I mean dude, isn’t that like a total giveaway!
For wittykitty: Hey man, is it you in that video. LOL!
Errrr, which one? Gulp. You should never say that to a bipolar. That could mean anything!! Like the secret video camera that I think is installed in the smoke detector in my bedroom and sends out live feeds to MenopauselWomenStillDoIt.com. Or the one at the Yuppie Grocery Store the other day. Ya see I was shopping for my mom and she needed the softest toilet paper possible after her recent operation. So there I was for a good 15 minutes, walking up and down the toilet paper aisle, looking around furtively, and then popping a tiny hole in the end of each brand and feeling to see how soft they were. Hey! I was trying to help out my mom!! Ok, so I might have possibly touched your toilet paper before you did. So what! Put me on “America’s Most Wanted”! Watch the grainy security video with that weird lady poking holes in your toilet paper packages and say “Hey, that’s witty! I read her blog! She’s really funny. Why is she touching MY toilet paper?? I think I need to call my therapist….”