In approximately 12 hours I will be walking through the doors of this place I’ve only been three times and my heart will be pounding so hard I’ll probably think I’m having a heart attack. Where am I going? Tomorrow I’ll be putting up my first one woman art show in a trendy bakery downtown and even though I’ve had an entire year to think about it, plan it, get ready for it, its now 11:45 p.m. the night before and I’ve yet to write and design my artist’s statement sheet. I still have 3 paintings to put wires on. I don’t think I have enough hangers to hang everything on. I’ve run out of bubble wrap. I even unwisely stopped everything so I could watch “The Batchelorette” tonight, because I like to observe how dating and kissing ACTUALLY looks. And now I’m avoiding everything even further by writing this totally unnecessary and arbitrary blog entry that will put me even further behind.
I can’t believe its here though. I talked to the woman just about a year ago about having this show. And you know what? I have pretty much never stopped thinking about it the entire year. The fact that somebody was actually GIVING ME A CHANCE AT SOMETHING. I mean how often does that happen for me? Well, these days…
No. I’m not kidding. I used to get chances all the time. But people pretty much give up on you when you go on disability. I guess they figure since you’re “disabled” you won’t be able to do anything. My biggest problem though has really been the feeling useless…the apathy. Because when people stop thinking of you as a viable member of society and keep telling you you’re nothing more than a mentally ill person over and over and over and over…you start believing them and then, well……………………………………………..you give up.
But I did read something rather interesting on the internet recently. It said that according to recent studies in lab rats that, well, apathy is rather curable. Can you believe it? I know you’re all shaking your heads in total disbelief, but its true. Wanna hear what the cure is? Do you? Its called:
FEELING NECESSARY IN THE UNIVERSE!!!!
Woo hoo! Who knew. Right? One decade, you’re laying on the couch, eating a tuna sandwich, watching “Divorce Court” 437 times in a row. And then suddenly the next minute…Cowabunga!! Somebody actually thinks you’re good for something. Heh heh…I mean besides draining the government for food stamps and section eight money.
Will my art show be a success? I have no idea. I am scared to death. I am bringing way too much stuff. I have two huge boxes jammed with all kinds of work. My friend “J” from my old job is coming over tomorrow to get me and then helping to hang the show. Neither of us have ever hung a show before. I’m scared it’ll look like shit or be crooked or my poorly framed canvases will pop out of their cheap, cheesy frames and poke somebody in the eye. I just don’t know how to do all this stuff and I don’t have the money to do it correctly. I did get some basic framing lessons from a woman in my art class who owns a frame shop. She even cut down a frame for me which was really nice of her.
I’m having an small opening next week, but I’m not even sure if anyone will come. Am I saying that to elicit pity? Hell no. Its reality. “J” will probably come. Maybe a person or two from my art class. My mom is coming but only because Gay Elvis doesn’t have a gig til 6:30. My brother has already said he WON’T come because my mother will be there. Dysfunctional families always have a way of cutting into potentially happy events. Have you noticed that?
About the only calming event I had this week was being invited to a party. How often can I say a party is calming? I was very surprised. And there was not even any Gay Elvis numbers! No, it was a legitimate party in honor of the summer solstice. It was at our Art Board president’s house. Just a very low key event with artsy people and music from the 40’s and a cake shaped like the sun.
I was wondering if there would be anyone from our art class. Out of about 12 people there were only 2. What made the party good for me was…well, just that I was invited. I was treated like a regular person. Like a desireable person to have at a nice summer party. It made me feel normal. I wasn’t all tightened up and angry like I usually am at my mother’s parties. I actually enjoyed myself. I joined in with party games! And laughed! I had conversations! It was amazing. And it just proved that the way that I am treated by certain people have made me think that I am a certain way, and maybe, just maybe I’m not. Imagine!
I just hope I can be that person at my art opening. Although some of the toxic people will be there, hopefully I can rise above it all and let my art speak for me.