Against my better judgement I decided to re-up my Smatch.com subscription because there were two pesky e-mails sitting, waiting in my mailbox and if you’re not a member you can’t look at them. And let’s face it, I could very well be missing out on the man of my dreams. The MAN OF MY DREAMS, I TELL YOU!!!

I finally paid the damn fee (again-Grrr!), which I am now comparing to standing on a highway overpass and throwing twenty dollar bills off into traffic, since I’ve yet to get anything tangible for my money except…well, we’ll talk about that in a second.

Anyways, so I excitedly clicked on the link to look at my two pieces of mail. OMG, I was so excited. And it was so worth the wait and the $37.48 I threw off the highway overpass, since his profile was positively dreamy. It read as follows:

About my life and what I’m looking for:

wery well and suver you can meet me and i like drama book s riding , swiming .adventeggers, new freinds, honest. foweds. new idieas .art. travalings .studies. acitectuer, disainig.forest area.new finding maimings. helpfull .

Is it me or was that possibly not in English. I’m usually pretty good with words,  but I have no idea what Mr. Groove Thang was getting at. “Suver”?  “Adventeggers”? “Fowed”? Was that like when Elmer Fudd says “I’m looking fowed to meeting ywo witty!”

I guess “acitectuer” was probably “architecture” and “disainig” might have possibly been “designing”. But its really the phrase “new finding maimings. helpfull”, that I found, well, a little disturbing. I’m not saying that finding maimings might not be kind of fun thing to do, in a “CSI: New York” kind of way. But what the hell was this guy trying to say? Anyone?

As for the other sMatch.com goodies I’ve received in the last two weeks. Well, there was a wink from a guy in Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka? WTF? Yeah, me too! I could just see this skinny little starving dude, hunched over his free Feed-the-Hungry laptop from Mac, at the side of the road, sitting in ox shit, looking down at the screen and saying, “Oh, that eez a good wooonabbi. I will wink at her. Maybe she will give me a penny, so I will not die.”

And then there is the cowboy dude who keeps bugging me. He’s 5’5″, weighs 280 pounds (more than me, even!!), wears a huge cowboy hat, has a scruggly beard and wears sun glasses, undoubtedly to hide his identity from “America’s Most Wanted”. He has winked and written several notes. I guess he read that I’m a writer (AND I’M WRITIN’ ‘BOUT YOU RIGHT NOW, BROTHA!). Anyways, instead of trying to carry on any kind of thoughtful conversation or saying anything useful, he just keeps typing the same single sentence over and over:

“Maybe you can write a story about my gold nuggets”.

Huh? Like ewww! Like I would really want to see, let alone write about your nuggets, dude.  If that’s the best line you can come up with, you might want to take it down to Walmart or something. Because it sure ain’t gonna work on me.

Of course we all have our profile names. And no I won’t tell you mine. But I did see the fabulous CUMSEE. Okay, sure, maybe he’s from Sri Lanka too and its a family name from like 20 generations back, but something tells me that the person who is suppose to catch naughty words down at sMatch.com, might be a Mormon or something. Why? Well, because everytime I make even a minuscule change to my ad, like take the words “overweight, hateful, neurotic nutball in the throes of menopause” and replace them with “thoughtful, kind woman who loves to laugh” (which is really sMatch code for “rough sex with small kitchen appliances”), you have to wait 24-72 hours for them to approve your wording and photos. I guess that is so that hookers and Republicans can’t put up questionable photos (think: Dick Cheney dressed like a nun humping a goat or something).

I guess CUMSEE must have slipped through. Literally.

I have made an attempt to contact a few people I was interested in. A Jewish orchestra conductor. He wrote back once, since we had theatre people in common, but then he never wrote again. And then I wrote a shrink. Ha! Yeah! Isn’t that funny? I liked his yearly income profile and liked what he had to say. And he was sardonic like me and he said he looked like Howie Mandell. So I wrote a humorous note to him, since the wink didn’t do anything. And then he wrote back a nice note, but basically said “You lack confidence, so thanks but no thanks”. Geeze, I can just go to my own shrink and get that news.

I also wrote one more guy, but he’s never written back. He’s a guitar playing Buddhist hippy who lives up in the woods with a cat. If you can’t even pique the interest of a hippy out in the woods, just who can I find??

So that’s what new on the sMatch.com front. I just had a call from my mother. She works at a thrift store once a week and had found a teal colored leather jacket for me. I was silent for a moment when she said the words:   “TEAL colored leather jacket”. What is this? 1982. And then she said, “You do know what color teal is, right?” And I said, “Well, I am an artist. I would think I knew what teal is and no, I’m not interested. Thanks” Her: (after a long, exasperated pause) “I just wanted to get something to jazz you up, you’re always so plain.”

Now, why do I lack confidence again?

365.2/60 Old School glamour shot



12 Responses to “wastingmymoney.com”

  1. PPete Says:

    I speek to yuu from Sri lanka. We no sit in ox shit heer – we eat it.
    I aspire to 280 pounds. Thees ox shit is highly calorific . If only i wasn’t spoken for. please cum back to me. i give up my other three wives if you do.
    I’m still pondering “disainig.forest area.”

  2. artgnomew Says:

    and remember to always step away from the guys from South Africa that need you to “invest”. heh.

    Great pic, darling. 🙂

  3. Violet Says:

    Silence those voices if you can, because you look fantastic, babe!

  4. LA Says:

    I’m trying to get past Sister Mary Cheney humping a goat. I always figured he was into she-males with Dolly Parton wigs, but I think you nailed it, hon. ~LA

  5. Anna Says:

    Oh God, Witty, that is so awful. I had to stop reading last night because I became too incensed. Vile, disgusting, horrid people – yuck. They need to be slapped from here to next christmas and to shut the fuck up. Here (UK) there are dating sites that are more specific – for example my friend signed up to The Guardian’s site – leftie newspaper – and though she’s met a lot of dull, self-opinionated tossers, they haven’t sounded as creepy as some of these mach ones. Is there anything similar near you? xxx

  6. Stepfordtart Says:

    Whats so misery-making is that there are probably thousands of friendly, amusing, pleasant, kind, lonely men out there writing blogs about the vile women they’re meeting on Madge.com and why cant they meet someone nice for a change. Its all a question of timing, I guess. Keep at it witty, dear. They cant ALL be losers. s x

  7. pantrypuff Says:

    You lack confidence, so thanks but no thanks.
    And this, dear friends, is why the world sucks. If you can’t get kindness from a shrink, where the fuck CAN you find it?

  8. warcrygirl Says:

    There you are! I’m so sorry your mom is like that hon; you’re beautiful and smart and so damn WITTY! I agree with Stepfordtart; hang in there.

  9. Kat Says:

    Killing myself laughing over here on a Saturday night. You are too funny Witty. I just recently signed up for eeharmony for the first time. My maiden voyage into on-line dating. Very interesting. You look gorgeous in that picture. Have you lost weight? It’s looks like it. I hope that’s the pic you used on your profile. K.

  10. Poolie Says:

    You slay me! OMG! You are funnier than anything!

  11. Seacreature Says:

    I’m sorry you’re still having a hard time meeting real human beings… That entry had me in stitches. Thanks for the laugh, I really needed that after the week I’ve had.
    And I hope you did well with your art show. How wonderful for you. I can identify with how you feel about being thought of as a viable, important member of society. There were millions of times I felt invisible. But then you act like you’ve got confidence and whammo…you’re attractive. Like this past weekend on a camping trip I actually got hit on. I’m still not used to thinking I’m attractive and I didn’t even REALISE what was going on…
    BTW, beautiful painting at the end of the last entry and GORGEOUS pic of you at the end of this one. Hang in there, you’ll find a real human, intelligent male out there somewhere! (hugs)

  12. Lindasoprano Says:

    Oh, I laughed so hard, and totally identified with all this! One of my worst dates from the internet was with a psychologist who turned out to be a certified sex therapist. At some point he said “I must be honest with you” – the death knell! I knew something awful was coming! He said that he has lived with his female partner for 20 years, and they are devoted to each other, but they both travel and they both like to have a “side dish” on call, and would I like to apply? (SHE looked at my profile and suggest me!! EEWWW!!) On the way home, all I could think was …”I’m not even invited to be the main course – I’d be the damn side dish!” Not good for confidence! I’ve written a sarcastic little jazz song about internet dating. Thanks for cheering me up today with your marvellously witty writing!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: