Against my better judgement I decided to re-up my Smatch.com subscription because there were two pesky e-mails sitting, waiting in my mailbox and if you’re not a member you can’t look at them. And let’s face it, I could very well be missing out on the man of my dreams. The MAN OF MY DREAMS, I TELL YOU!!!
I finally paid the damn fee (again-Grrr!), which I am now comparing to standing on a highway overpass and throwing twenty dollar bills off into traffic, since I’ve yet to get anything tangible for my money except…well, we’ll talk about that in a second.
Anyways, so I excitedly clicked on the link to look at my two pieces of mail. OMG, I was so excited. And it was so worth the wait and the $37.48 I threw off the highway overpass, since his profile was positively dreamy. It read as follows:
About my life and what I’m looking for:
wery well and suver you can meet me and i like drama book s riding , swiming .adventeggers, new freinds, honest. foweds. new idieas .art. travalings .studies. acitectuer, disainig.forest area.new finding maimings. helpfull .
Is it me or was that possibly not in English. I’m usually pretty good with words, but I have no idea what Mr. Groove Thang was getting at. “Suver”? “Adventeggers”? “Fowed”? Was that like when Elmer Fudd says “I’m looking fowed to meeting ywo witty!”
I guess “acitectuer” was probably “architecture” and “disainig” might have possibly been “designing”. But its really the phrase “new finding maimings. helpfull”, that I found, well, a little disturbing. I’m not saying that finding maimings might not be kind of fun thing to do, in a “CSI: New York” kind of way. But what the hell was this guy trying to say? Anyone?
As for the other sMatch.com goodies I’ve received in the last two weeks. Well, there was a wink from a guy in Sri Lanka. Sri Lanka? WTF? Yeah, me too! I could just see this skinny little starving dude, hunched over his free Feed-the-Hungry laptop from Mac, at the side of the road, sitting in ox shit, looking down at the screen and saying, “Oh, that eez a good wooonabbi. I will wink at her. Maybe she will give me a penny, so I will not die.”
And then there is the cowboy dude who keeps bugging me. He’s 5’5″, weighs 280 pounds (more than me, even!!), wears a huge cowboy hat, has a scruggly beard and wears sun glasses, undoubtedly to hide his identity from “America’s Most Wanted”. He has winked and written several notes. I guess he read that I’m a writer (AND I’M WRITIN’ ‘BOUT YOU RIGHT NOW, BROTHA!). Anyways, instead of trying to carry on any kind of thoughtful conversation or saying anything useful, he just keeps typing the same single sentence over and over:
“Maybe you can write a story about my gold nuggets”.
Huh? Like ewww! Like I would really want to see, let alone write about your nuggets, dude. If that’s the best line you can come up with, you might want to take it down to Walmart or something. Because it sure ain’t gonna work on me.
Of course we all have our profile names. And no I won’t tell you mine. But I did see the fabulous CUMSEE. Okay, sure, maybe he’s from Sri Lanka too and its a family name from like 20 generations back, but something tells me that the person who is suppose to catch naughty words down at sMatch.com, might be a Mormon or something. Why? Well, because everytime I make even a minuscule change to my ad, like take the words “overweight, hateful, neurotic nutball in the throes of menopause” and replace them with “thoughtful, kind woman who loves to laugh” (which is really sMatch code for “rough sex with small kitchen appliances”), you have to wait 24-72 hours for them to approve your wording and photos. I guess that is so that hookers and Republicans can’t put up questionable photos (think: Dick Cheney dressed like a nun humping a goat or something).
I guess CUMSEE must have slipped through. Literally.
I have made an attempt to contact a few people I was interested in. A Jewish orchestra conductor. He wrote back once, since we had theatre people in common, but then he never wrote again. And then I wrote a shrink. Ha! Yeah! Isn’t that funny? I liked his yearly income profile and liked what he had to say. And he was sardonic like me and he said he looked like Howie Mandell. So I wrote a humorous note to him, since the wink didn’t do anything. And then he wrote back a nice note, but basically said “You lack confidence, so thanks but no thanks”. Geeze, I can just go to my own shrink and get that news.
I also wrote one more guy, but he’s never written back. He’s a guitar playing Buddhist hippy who lives up in the woods with a cat. If you can’t even pique the interest of a hippy out in the woods, just who can I find??
So that’s what new on the sMatch.com front. I just had a call from my mother. She works at a thrift store once a week and had found a teal colored leather jacket for me. I was silent for a moment when she said the words: “TEAL colored leather jacket”. What is this? 1982. And then she said, “You do know what color teal is, right?” And I said, “Well, I am an artist. I would think I knew what teal is and no, I’m not interested. Thanks” Her: (after a long, exasperated pause) “I just wanted to get something to jazz you up, you’re always so plain.”
Now, why do I lack confidence again?
Tags: internet dating