Voted off the island before the show starts

I took my mom out to Subway on Mother’s Day for one of those foot long subs for $5. She’s so totally worth it. Well, at least $2.50 worth since I ate the other half.

Afterwards we stopped at my brother’s house. By time we both got home, there was frantic messages on my mom’s answering machine. Evidently my brother thought one of us had taken his car keys. So I called and left a message on his phone. “Hi, this is your sister Witty*. (*that part is reallllly important. OK??).  “I just looked and I didn’t take your keys. The last time I saw them was when you were showing me how good your camera focuses on your keys on the kitchen counter. Sorry. Hope you find them. ” I then got this message back on my answering machine. “I don’t know who you are * (see, I told you that was the important part, even though I’m his sister and actually said my name on his machine and described what I had just done with him an hour earlier, but I guess my message was too obtuse and spoken in sub-alien code words). “I’m just returning your message. I guess you must know me. Thanks for calling.”

Anyways, after going to his house, my mom dropped me off at my apartment. I decided to just go to the library across the street to use their computers. They’re way faster than mine and the chairs are a lot more comfortable. So we said our good-byes and I walked across the street and into the driveway, when this car came driving in behind me and, well, crashed into the library. Yup. Just crrraaasshhh! I was startled naturally.

It didn’t exactly crash into the building itself. It crashed into a large metal fire escape in front of the building and tore off the guy’s rear view mirror. When I took a few steps backwards, I saw the guy get out of the car and sit on the stairs with his head between his legs. Was he going to puke? Not really sure. He was only going about 6 MPH. By then a librarian was running towards the scene. I bet you didn’t know librarians could run.  Maybe perhaps only when cars run into their buildings.

Anyways, I went in to look at my e-mails. I was waiting to hear from my sMatch.com guy. We had written back and forth 3-4 times and were set to go out the next day for either lunch or a walk. I was anxious, but hopeful. He seemed nice.

I then opened his e-mail. “Hello witty, Your last message told me a lot about you and I’m left with a sense of incompatibility. However, I wish the best in your search. Jeff. ”

I sat there for a minute, stunned and then started to cry a little. Its not that I had a lot vested in this guy. Just a couple of e-mails.  Its just that for a couple of days, I felt hopeful. Like maybe I wasn’t the biggest loser in the universe. Yes. I am sensitive. Very sensitive. Like a person with third degree burns, perhaps. But I’ve never been rejected even before they met me. My god, do I suck that much?

What did I say in my letter? Well, first of all he had asked me a kinda unusual question. Did I like facial hair. He then asked me to look at both of his photos: One with facial hair, one without. Personally, I don’t like facial hair. The only person I was ever friendly with who had whiskers was Married Guy. So when he asked me that, I was thinking, wow, to think I’m holding the future of some guy’s facial hair in my hands. Naturally I got a little angsty and perhaps did a little wittykitty take on the whole thing.

mistake.

I’m guessing now that when you write to these sMatch.com guys, you have to write like you’re an emotionless Stepford Wife and not someone who might possibly 1) have an opinion 2) have a raucous sense of humor 3) be silly and whimsical. I mean I actually have the word: “Dork” in my ad. How much more specific can I be?

But now I feel defeated even before I started. Sure I’ve been looking at other ads. I even found Handyman, the guy I dated twice in the last couple of years. I wrote him a brief, sarcastic note. He wrote back something decent. Then I wrote back and apologized. I’m just making friends all over the place, it seems.

I just take rejection really, really hard. Especially at this stage in life. I’ve had so many in the last couple of years (some you know, some you don’t know), that, to me, putting your heart out on the line, is about akin to asking someone to put their hand on a hot stove even though they know they’ll get burned. I’ve even been renting romantic movies lately, trying to see “how its done”.  I guess the movie “Atonement” perhaps wasn’t such a great idea, since almost everyone dies or is about to die and at least one person feels incredibly guilty.

So yesterday I went to sign some paperwork at Section 8, so that my landlord can raise my rent yet again. I was feeling so poorly that I decided to stop at a small art gallery downtown, that I had never been to. They had this really cool display dedicated to singer Bessie Smith where they have her image projected up on a wall and a Casio keyboard in the middle of the floor that says: “Play me.” How often do you see that? So I gingerly touched the key and each key played a different tiny snippet of Bessie Smith singing a musical note or two. I tried to play various keys to make some kind of tune out of it, you know, since I’m a master musician, but I couldn’t, but it was still a really fun idea.

I then walked one block over to the place where I’m having my supposed one woman art show this summer. Like everything else in my life, I’ve been worried that my show would somehow be yanked out from under me because of something I said or did or wrote, because I’ve been such a bad BAD wittykitty lately. But after buying a brownie and looking around at the space, I actually got to meet the woman I talked to last summer about the show and she’s all set with me coming in….gulp….two weeks earlier than planned.

I’m a little nervous about that since I still don’t have everything framed or with eye-hooks and wire and my depression is so bad, its hard to get started or complete anything. My middle name is Apathy with a capital “A”. Sure yes, I know its a good thing for me to have a show, and I might even sell something, but when you’re getting crushed under a mountain of depression, even leaving the couch seems insurmountable these days.

I’m not sure what made me think I could date someone in this condition.

Anyways, if I can get WordPress to work, this is my latest painting. “Mona is in the House”. I just hope you’re not left with “a sense of incompatibility.”

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22 Responses to “Voted off the island before the show starts”

  1. Anna Says:

    OK witty, I want to buy that picture. Can I? What do you want for it? Email me at annamills46@hotmail.com please!!!

  2. Miss Hiss Says:

    Oh, wittycakes, I love the painting, too — she looks like Anjelica Huston as Morticia Addams! Too wonderful for words — Goth Mona! Love, R xxx

  3. Stepfordtart Says:

    “sense of incompatibilty”? Man. He’s gonna be single for a lot longer than you are, the tosser. s x PS Let Anna buy the picture, then I can see it when I go to her house!

  4. artgnome Says:

    Just know from my experience, that neveramatch.com is full of men that I don’t think anyone can make happy. They all seem to be looking for some kind of female porn dreamed fantasy that does not exist. You can be everything on their list, and they will still come up with some stupid excuse to reject you.

    I’ve also seen most of these jerks in various dating sites for YEARS now.

    So, no, sweet girl, it’s not you. It’s them.

    The painting is GREAT. What a smirk! 🙂

    If you let me know when your opening is, I will come.

  5. crankygirl Says:

    I’m sorry it didn’t work with this guy–this is what it’s like. It’s sucky. I LOVE artgnomes’s name for it b/c that sums it up PERFECTLY!

  6. Marn, eh Says:

    Drat. Anna put dibs on that picture first.

    Witty, it’s great.

    You have a real gift. I’m so glad you’re getting a show.

  7. LA Says:

    If you can bear it Mick and I would like to come too. If that’s too stressful I’d still like to go to the gallery so address and dates via email would be hugely appreciated! Thanks! ~LA

  8. Pam Says:

    Love. That. Picture. And that you’re getting your show, and early too. Do Not Love Mr Imcompatibility. It sounds to me like he’d be most compatible with a tube of Preparation H.

  9. azzweepay Says:

    Sorry about Mr Incompatible!
    I like that painting. I think I can see a little abstract guardcat in the corner. Or maybe I’m drunk. I don’t know.

  10. Holly Says:

    It sounds like you are better off with out Mr. sense of incompatibility. Anybody who would talk like that after a couple of emails, has to be a jerk. It isn’t you, its definately him. You really are a great artist, too bad I’m so far from the east coast, I’d love to come check out your show. PS, I think we share the same middle name.

  11. freshhell Says:

    Actually, I’m left with a sense of awe – you are very talented and need to just get away from nevermatch. It’s filled with losers – I agree with artgnome. You shouldn’t let idiots get you down. Walk away and over to the canvas and paint. I really love Mona.

  12. another50somethingAKAPatty Says:

    Oh Witty,

    I am so sorry about how sh*(tty that guy on sMatch.com treated you. What a jerk he must be. I mean you didn’t tell us what else he wrote in his emails to you, but if he was THAT focused on whether or not he should have facial hair after only 3 emails, then he is probably narcissistic. Doesn’t sound like he would have given YOU the attention you so aptly deserve but would probably be straining to see his reflection in every glass window you guys passed on your dates. SHEESH!!!! Please, DON’T feel rejected — it’s obvious to me that HE is the reject.

    And I LOVE your mona BTW. Her expression is priceless. It’s like she’s thinking about something deliciously naughty.

  13. adventuresofadramateacher Says:

    You are not alone in your depression, loneliness and match.net horror stories. Mpeacock

  14. scotvalkyrie Says:

    I love Mona as well. I’m sorry that snatch.com isn’t working for you. ((hugs))

  15. Kat Says:

    Witty, I don’t see an email address for you. Please send me an email as I would like to ask you a question re: match. Maybe I could be of help. K.

  16. goatbarnwitch Says:

    She is beautiful.

  17. DanjerusKurves Says:

    Sweetie, please believe me when I tell you that 95% of my Match experiences have been horrifying. BUT, I did meet a couple of nice guys (no chemistry — boo!). Here’s an email I received from my best friend explaining to me what I’m going through right now in my own angst-driven life:

    Your frustration, anxiety, antsy-ness to get a move on, quick boredom with everybody and everything are all precursors to that men-o-pausal thing that you claim you aren’t near yet; they are also precursors to the infamous, true-to-life, Midlife Crisis (wherein you evaluate your life on a pretty regular basis and don’t like how its shaped up thus far and want to beat yourself up for not being in a better position at this point, then get depressed about all of it). I’ve been watching my husband go thru what you are describing for about 10 years now. Quick frustrations and impatience with your lot in life are supreme characteristics of Mid-Life-ishness. Lots of people “addict” themselves thru it; lots of people cut themselves off from anything that may require emotion and energy to get thru it; lots of people do drastic 360 life turnarounds to get thru it. I have seen all of that. I think the brightest thing for you to do is call a spade a spade and embrace the moment of being depressed, bored, frustrated and pissed off — BE with it instead of DOING something about it. We are, after all, human BEings, not human DOings. The Universe will handle the details; your job is to get out of your own way.

  18. webmiss Says:

    I’ve had some mild success with plentyoffish.com The best part is that it’s FREE. I think I have emailed back and forth with probably 30 different men, and actually met two in person. Another place to try placing an ad would be your local craigslist.org site. I’ve met 4 people that way. Good luck, I hope that you find someone who is perfect for you. You’re right to be cautious and take things slowly. Above all else, be yourself! A is right, you do have a lot to offer. I cannot comment on the smelling good part, because well I can’t smell you from here. But I love the way you write, and your posts almost always make me laugh!

  19. golfwidow Says:

    1. Love the HELL out of that picture.
    2. RE facial hair. I love a goatee. That Man of Mine does not. He says it itches. It’s his face – I let him decide. I do, however, stipulate that he not give me any shit if I accidentally ogle a cute stranger with a goatee.

  20. crankygirl Says:

    I just atgged you for a meme–I need to go back and look at the instructions again…but they should be on my page.

  21. pantrypuff Says:

    It’s a beautiful painting and that guy is an asshole. He could have at least had the decency to not leave it so vague so you’re wondering what the hell happened. I hate him. Let’s find him and smack him in the face with a couch.

  22. Kungfukitten Says:

    I love Mona, her facial expression is so amazing. I can’t stop staring at her. She knows a really funny secret but isn’t saying anything. 🙂 Screw Mr. Incompatibility. Or don’t screw him, I mean. He probably wants to grow a Grizzly Adams beard and live in the woods making deer jerky. You dodged a bullet on that one, trust me. *hugs*

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