About 11 years ago I used to work with this very plain woman. She was a journalist. She used to have screaming arguments with her boyfriend on the phone all the time. Even though I worked in the production room and she worked in the news room I could still hear her yelling at him. And what was funny was, she was very quiet, intellectual and demure. I’d go in the bathroom, and she’d constantly be brushing her hair between fights with her boyfriend. I guess even though she was plain, she wanted her hair to look nice.

Anyways, I guess she finally broke up with the toxic boyfriend because the screaming arguments stopped. I wasn’t really that friendly with her. Creative types and journalists don’t always mesh. Journalist wear suits. Graphic artists where shiny scarves and sneakers with green neon soles. But I was in the lunchroom one day and she was talking to the editor who I was actually friendly with. The editor K was a mess. She really wanted to get married. I mean really! She was involved with a married man. He was an idiot, so the conversation they were having was basically “MEN ARE IDIOTS”. K still wanted one, but the Plain Girl said, “No. I’m giving up men. Forget it! They’re not worth the trouble!” I think she was about 25.

Shortly after that it was Christmas season. I was alone as usual. I think K had a fight with her married man. And Plain Girl? Well, for some God-forsaken reason she decided to give a brief try. She was all meh, this will never work. MEN ARE ALL IDIOTS!!! So what do you think happened? Go ahead, guess?

She went out with her one and only reply. They went to a hockey game and it was love at first sight! And I believe they were married within three months. I wasn’t invited to the wedding, of course. I’m a graphic artist and she was a journalist and I might possibly do something crazy like spray graffiti on the wedding cake or something. But they’re still married, and have a nice house and two beautiful sons. I see her in the grocery store occasionally and she actually talks to me now. I guess she’s very happy.

The moral of the story? 99% of the woman I know who are on have horror stories. 1% have good ones. I signed up for this weekend. Sure I’m stone cold broke and just got my food stamps chopped to practically zero. But I’m also in this incredibly dire holding pattern in my life and basically I can’t stand it anymore. I need someone to talk to.

Who MADE me do this? The Shrinkster of course. I think he almost fainted when I e-mailed him and said I finally did it. Why? Because we’ve had this conversation at least 1.6 trillion times in the last 14 years. I did briefly stick my toe in the Match pond a long, long, long time ago, but I never dated anyone….which is why I asked you for advice, Cranky (http:///

What happened then was this. First guy popped up on my Instant Message: “Hi! Blah, blah, blah! Do you want to know what I do for a living?” I was trying to be friendly, even though I was terrified he might type: “serial killer and I’m standing outside Your window.” But he told me about his fabulous career as a UFO Investigator.  He told me that his latest (cough) case was about a woman who had been abducted and then dumped in a local field and had to find her way back to the street and flag someone down to rescue her. DAMN THOSE ALIENS! With all that technology, you’d think they’d at least leave her off at a Denney’s or something. He asked if I believed him. I said, “SURE!!” (you damn Nutball). I guess he was excited that he had a captive audience, so then asked if I wanted a photo of him? Me: SURE! This was still in the day of slow dial up, so as his photo slowly unfurled on my screen, blipping 2 pixels at a time, it soon became very apparent that Mr. E.T. was al’naturale. You know, like no alien death-ray deflectors. Nothing! Ugh! This was long before I was OTAY with full frontal nudity.  Of course he did soften the blow slightly by holding a Chihuahua in front of the family jewels. And I was thinking to myself, “Duuuuude, you should at least round up a Great Dane, or something. Not the smallest dog on the fucking planet.”

The next responder was a guy who wanted Instant Message Sex. Click. Bye now!

The last guy was someone, in retrospect, I should have met. He was gentle, funny. He was a tall, gawky Jewish guy and one of the first photos he ever sent me was him dressed in a fluffy pink Easter bunny suit. He was an architect, but he also liked to draw cartoons and he used to send me cartoons with our frequent e-mails. We did this for three months, but I was too frightened to meet him. Not because of him. But because of me. I was pretty ill at the time. I had just been diagnosed bipolar. I had anxiety problems. I was agoraphobic. I even went into the hospital during all this, and he said he had no problem with that and said he missed our e-mails while I was gone. But he finally grew frustrated and ended it.

So “A” and I had a really intensive session this last week. We both practically needed oxygen by the end of it. At least I did. I was actually shaking. Anxiety I guess. But I know he’s right about meeting someone. He told me all the nice qualities I have to offer. That’s not something I get to hear very often and for some reason I totally burst out laughing during it and almost couldn’t stop. I think it was when he said I smelled good. WTF? Really? Ok. He must really be into smells because when I dated Handyman that was his advice then too. Wear perfume. Heh! I don’t even own any perfumes. I’m allergic to almost everything. And I hate men’s colognes.  But note taken.

So I put the damn ad on very late Sat. night. I still wasn’t really sure. Plus I don’t really read things very closely. I thought I had to pay before the ad would go  live, but the next morning I already had dudes winking at me and two e-mails waiting for me. It took me another 2 1/2 days before I even finally decided to part with my very precious money. This better be fucking good. By then I was really racking up hits and winks. I have over 210 hits the last time I looked. I mean I have winks from guys in Wisconsin and Virginia. Like where are we supposed to meet for a cup of latte ice cream? Pennsylvania? Plus a lot of them appear to be unable to comprehand my needs, like : NO SMOKERS. (period). Ages 48-53. And I have like Regis Philbin sending notes. Guys! Read the fine print! Oy!

But I have selected one very lucky fellow from the thronging masses for a witty interlude this weekend. He told me he’s a tree hugger and hates the war, so that pretty much already won my heart.  So we’ll see. Oh, and he also says he’s an optimist. I had to look that up in the dictionary. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant.



20 Responses to “”

  1. azzweepay Says:

    Are you going to send guardcat along first to check him out?

  2. LA Says:

    Match worked for me! And yeah, I had to sift through some pretty yucky trash and got cyber-stalked by some guy who refused to stop sending pics of his penis. Worth it though, I got Mick from the deal. Good luck, honeybunch! ~LA

  3. artgnome Says:

    I hope you have good luck and find someone really, really nice who does not investigate UFO’s.

  4. crankygirl Says:

    Yes, good luck and I hope that it goes very well. And turn off IM, it’s for psycho-men, as you learned.

  5. Kungfukitten Says:

    I’m so proud of you! Just think about it as having fun and making new friends. If it “clicks” then you’ll both know it and it will be smashing! No anxiety! Just fun. Plus you have the benefit of entertaining us with all the morons. My big draw for (did I just type that?) is that if you don’t find the love of your life in six months you get six months free! That’s 12 months, a whole year, of naked men holding chihuahuas infront of their chihuahuas.

  6. Anna Says:

    Yay! Go you!! My friend has been online dating this year – she is also VERY cautious. She hasn’t met the man of her dreams and she’s had a lot of weirdos to ignore, but she’s had some great email conversations, dates almost every weekend, all sots of good things that I mustn’t write about and above all lots and lots of fun and interest and great stories. I’m excited for you! xx

  7. Poolie Says:

    You go! That sounds wonderful!

  8. Xat Says:

    You will be fabulous. Fabulous.

    The you that writes so wonderfully, that paints and draws with such clarity, is the same you who is going out this weekend. That is a damn special treat for anyone.

    He’s a lucky guy.

  9. awittykitty Says:

    Our date is postponed til next week. But that is ok. More time to angst about it. Thanks for all the nice comments.

  10. FairyGodMum Says:

    Gotta just weed through to find Mr. Right not Mr. UFO… tee hee Wish I had the nerve to do the match date site thing… I’m so shy when it comes to meeting strangers. You go gurl.. keep up with the Go Get Em mode! Hugz n Lub, Bebe da FairyGodMum

  11. Pam Says:

    Go you : )!

  12. karmacat Says:

    Ah, you are braver than I am. I just don’t have it in me to sift through all the garbage. I’ve read that a lot of these men are notorious for misrepresenting their marital status and age (with accompanying outdated photos, of course).

    Trust your natural instincts, and good luck. I hope you become one of the 1%.

  13. freshhell Says:

    Good luck! Let’s hope he isn’t a former ufo abductee. You don’t ever get over that kind of probing.

  14. awittykitty Says:

    I am much much shyer than you know. We have been writing back and forth and we’re probably meeting Mon. or Tues. Eeek!

  15. Seacreature Says:

    ALRIGHT! She’s back at it! You go, girl! Just remember to have fun.

  16. Violet Says:

    Go, girl. I’m rooting for you.


  17. mpeacock Says:

    Bless you for making me laugh when I had my first internet date last night.

  18. warcrygirl Says:

    WOOOO!!!! Have fun, can’t wait to hear about it!

  19. Stepfordtart Says:

    Bad Friend met her beau through so there ARE more than two half decent men in the world, it seems! He sent her two pictures – in one he was dressed as Santa and in the other he looked like the devil incarnate. Luckily the jolly old fat man was closer to the truth! Fingers crossed for you. s x

  20. Anne Says:

    Well!! I expect a full report dear!! 🙂 Thanks for the nice comment, I really should update…but after Mother’s Day! hee

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