Give piece a chance

The other day I was sitting at the stoplight at the bottom of the hill going up into the Village. I mean its not exactly like NYC letting out into Jersey.  But as I looked around, I once again noticed that I was the only person who was not driving an SUV. Fortunately, I am very secure in who I am…a driver of a station wagon with 226,000 miles on it and a leaking gas tank. But who are they?  The Drivers of SUVs? I mean besides dumb-ass yuppies? I don’t really know.  So being the supreme (cough) wordsmith that I am, I decided to start coming up with some new titles for my fellow road friends. Maybe something cool like SUV-idians….SUV-etarians…..SUV-publicans.  I mean how great would it be to have one of the words I created, under the influence of antidepressants and dark chocolate, become part of the American lexicon?

Not much has been happening lately, although I’m totally lying through my teeth. Its just that my blog has been infiltrated and I can’t really say much, although if I could make up a secret code that only you and I could understand and they couldn’t, that would be totally cool, but since 99.99% of you are total strangers, I don’t know if I could get you the secret code word list in time for my next entry, so that plan kinda sucks.

I have been having unch-lay with a an-may the last two eeks-way. Its been leasant-pay. But that’s all I’m going to say. No more miscommunications or things that can be used against me, I’ve decided, you know like the 1300 hits on my old defunct diary in last two weeks by some mysterious interloper.

I continue to live in the soap opera that is my art class however. Its the only soap opera I’m in since I don’t work, but it has all the drama of a workplace. People with crushes on people. Humor.  Secret alliances. Eccentric co-workers. Nudity. Maybe that’s why I like “The Office” so much….because it reminds me of my art class.

Like last Wednesday, for instance. “L” the Hippie Chick called for a ride. I don’t mind at all. We’ve become very good friends in the last year and she’s enroute. About the only thing is….she’s almost always late. Not sure if that is an artist thing. It certainly isn’t for me. I’m anally on time. I know this week, I got there about 5 minutes early, so I didn’t blow my horn or anything. It was a pleasant evening out and I felt a little day dreamy, so I just looked around at the newly greening lawns. Fives minutes turned into 10 minutes so I beeped my horn and suddenly one of her room mates came out and said she was running late. I was a little stressed since I was co-hosting with Charlemagne, but he’s usually late too and Late+late= Potentially the same time of arrival.

So I waited about another 7-8 minutes and suddenly “L” came running out around the edge of her house with only a towel on, saying “I’m running late”. I looked over and she was smiling and then she did something that, well, heh, kinda both shocked me and made me laugh. She flashed me. Towel open. Boobs asunder. Out in her front yard. And then yelled “Do you want to draw me?”  I just buried my head in my hands and waved her off. Oy!

So we finally got to our art place at like five to seven. Charlemagne was frazzled by then, having to do most of the set up himself and then “L” was saying antagonistic things to him and he was getting pissed. This was actually the second time “L” did this to me…making me intentionally late when she knew I was helping Charlemagne. And then I’m stuck in the middle, trying to be all things to all people and failing miserably.

Things finally settled down somewhat by the break where I got cornered by Tall Skinny Guy. Did I mention he has a little crush on me? I won’t go into it in detail here, because of the interloper(s), but I’ve been getting cornered by him lately and this week he even attempted to tell me a joke while eating tortilla chips and he managed to spit tortilla goobies on me two or three times. And when you’re schmooshed against a wall by a 6’4″ guy and you’re only 5’3″, what can you do except flick the moist gobs of tortilla goodness off your spring dress.

Anyways, by the end of the night I was in a dazed/horny (thanks new meds!)/semi-conscious state and I was wondering around asking anyone if they had pot. Why? I have no idea. I haven’t smoked pot since the 80’s, but it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Being amongst artists, like over half of them, had some to offer. But no, I didn’t take anyone up on it. Just say no and all that rot!

Anyways, I’m still trying to get ready for my wacky, raunchy art show next weekend. I’ve been so dead creatively lately. I need some Creativity EMTs, to come and put their paddles on my chest and give me a few thousand jolts of electricity. I did gesso over an old painting yesterday and smear it up with bland yellows and browns and grays and stuck a postcard on it with a woman lusciviously biting into a big hunk of cherry pie. I’m trying to think of some clever words to put on it like “Give piece a chance” and maybe staple a condom on it.

Oh witty, you’re so freakin’ cutting edge!

Hey, I’m just trying to keep up with all these 20 year old kids that will be submitting art at the show. I hope nobody steals the condom, you know, in case I need it.

Yeah, right!!!

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14 Responses to “Give piece a chance”

  1. Poolie Says:

    Staples in the condom will guarantee the kids won’t steal it. But then again, they can be pretty stupid.

  2. artgnome Says:

    you are awesome and I hope to come to one of your shows someday, whenever I manage to get another car! I also promise to not come nude. that would be very, very bad…unless they were looking for some serious shock art! heh…

    many blessings on ya, witty.

  3. freshhell Says:

    Oh, the Late People. They are probably the same ones as the SUV people. I used to work with a chronically late person. Most disorganized person on the planet. I really don’t know how she functioned at all. At even the microscopic level.

  4. crankygirl Says:

    I can send you condoms from work if you should need them. Nice NYC condoms from our Health Dept!

  5. kittiefan17 Says:

    I am 20..and you are already pretty awesome in my book.=)

  6. Kungfukitten Says:

    I have some condoms that I should probably give away before they expire. I have a ton in my purse and in my bedside table. Who am I kidding? Maybe I’ll make lubricated balloon animals for the cats.

  7. diana nguyen Says:

    aww, kitty you always crack me up xD

  8. another50something Says:

    Hey Witty,

    I think your blog site is so funny! I stumbled upon it from a comment in “Cardiogirl’s” blogsite (another one I read daily). Your entries are something I look forward to each day since I started reading them because they are so funny and so true and they lift my spirits on those unbearable days.

    About your interloper…..could that just be me? I have enjoyed your site so much that I have started back reading your old site so that I can understand who the various people you mention are and how they relate to you. Yes, sadly I DO need a life. LOL. But seriously, I am not an ax murderer, child molester, or anyone who could do you any harm at all….nope, just a bored 50 year old woman who shares a lot of the same feelings you have. Maybe there is a way you can tell that the interloper is me by my IP address or whatever the heck it is? I hope you won’t feel stifled by my nosiness. I totally get that this blog is your alternate therapy and if you don’t want me to keep reading your old posts, just email me and let me know. But seriously, I hope you don’t mind because I am enjoying getting to know you in the cyber world.

  9. LA Says:

    I like Fu’s idea about condom balloon animals. Definitely sounds weird art show worthy. ~LA

  10. scotvalkyrie Says:

    Heck, I even have some condoms I could send you — and even more art supplies. Seriously, I’ll send them.

  11. karmacat Says:

    I am so sick of all these SUVs. I don’t get the BFD about them. Is it people showing off how much money they can spend on gas? A*holes.

  12. Stepfordtart Says:

    Ooo! Ooo! Maybe all you condom owners could club together and make me a big balloon archway for my wedding procession. Wouldnt that be just dreamy! *sigh* s x

  13. Anna Says:

    Ha! I loved that L flashed you! That was such a suprise and really made me laugh – I might take it up myself, but I can see that I’d need to be in just a towel first, which narrows the opportunities xx

  14. skibigsky Says:

    I always feel a little guilty about driving my ‘crossover’ SUV thingy. Until we get 6 inches of snow on a quiet day in April, and then as I’m negotiating my driveway to get gas for my snowblower, I don’t feel quite so guilty! (Of course, the 112 octane gas that I use in the race car is another guilt source….. Eh… I’m Catholic – what do you expect?!?) *grin.

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