the new seven commandments…maybe

Has anyone watched that new TV show called “Eli Stone” about a lawyer with a brain aneurysm, who formerly was a total asshole and made lots and lots of money for his law firm by steam rolling over human decency, but then discovered that his new role in life was to help the little guy. His change in behavior comes in the form of outrageously strange visions that no one else sees, like bi-planes swooping down on him on a San Francisco street a’la “North by Northwest”, him opening an office door and suddenly being hit by an ocean wave and first and foremost, a rocking church choral group abruptly popping up in courtrooms, law offices, singing spirituals that are supposed to give him a clue about what is right and wrong. 

Even though I don’t watch much TV, I particularly like shows like this because 1) they’re whimsical 2) they have heart 3) someone is giving someone a message on how  to change their lives for the better. Oh, and I also have whimsical flights of fancy when I’m out in the real world. 

I have written about my repeated fantasy of going into some bleak, depressing store like the Salvation Army and hearing Aretha Franklin singing “Respect” over the loudspeaker (Oh, the irony for people in the Salvation Army hearing a song like that).  Because suddenly, upon hearing that music,  I’ll suddenly start doing a little sassy Aretha walk. And nearby clerks will suddenly be holding up hangers like microphones and become my backup singers. And then all the customers, who were formerly just people sadly pawing through the linty, torn, out dated clothes along the racks will suddenly burst into a major Motown number in sequined jumpsuits.  And then, of course, I’ll jump up on the counter and finish things off  with my soaring vocals to thunderous applause with the total flair and polish of the superstar I really am.

Unfortunately, these fantasies have been coming closer and closer together in recent weeks.  I mean I’m gonna have to call in Bob Fosse from beyond the grave soon, you know,  since how can you really do a big musical number without Fosse.

So do I have a brain aneurysm or am I just severely depressed. Wow. What a fun choice.

I pulled out of the yuppie grocery store the other day. I had turned on the radio and the Bee Gee’s “Stayin’ Alive” was playing. I decided to turn it up. Blast from the past and all. But I found the lyrics a little troubling. Since this is all I heard:

Life goin’ nowhere. Somebody help me.
Somebody help me, yeah.
Life goin’ nowhere. Somebody help me yeah.
I’m Stayin’ alive.

Just the “Life goin’ nowhere. Somebody help me yeah. I’m stain’ alive” part over and over and over. Nothing else. WTF? Was I having one of those “Eli Stone” moments? Because I had it turned as loud as I could in my car and then it ended abruptly right when I drove by “A”s office. He’s on my way home. (No, I don’t make special trips by his office, despite what certain people think).

I’ve had a rough week. Food stamps were taken away from me, because: 1st woman on phone: We screwed up and lost your file. 2nd woman 10 minutes later:“YOU screwed up. You didn’t fill out your budget form (which, whoops, wasn’t included in what THEY  sent me, but pshaw, its only $100 out of a poor person’s budget. Hee hee. We’ll just go all official and make the pee-on feel like maggot poop on the bottom of our shoe and then they’ll back down). I mean it was a bad enough  going in the office and having the guy at the counter say I wasn’t in the computer. And then next being bitch-slapped by some toady woman (worker 8) because I hadn’t completed the form correctly. And then next being told by Worker 59B that I was rude when I said I had done everything correctly and yet I had to fill out the form for a third time because evidently I had committed a mortal  sin when I had filled it out in pencil because according to him “No form in pencil will ever be accepted on my watch.” What are you? A fucking soldier guarding the Afghanistan border?

Truth was though, I was too tired to fight. I had just fought a three day battle with AOL They had taken over $100 out of my bank account over several months without my permission. And all I could do was talk to was some guy named Abu from India. Does anyone else see the irony of AMERICA Online being manned by people from India? I couldn’t understand him and  I was unable to get the charges reversed. I did leave a complaint on a Consumer website. I then talked to a guy at Time Warner where I now have my service and he said he had so much trouble with AOL taking money out of his account after he left, he had to change his bank account number.

So I’ve also had lots of other things going on, some that I won’t get into. But they are all crushing. I even ended up calling a crisis help line last weekend at 1:30 in the morning. Just couldn’t handle it anymore. I finally went to my medical doctor yesterday. Lots of anxieties, aches, shortness of breath, sharp jabbing pain in my neck and chin. I was sure I was on the verge of another heart “situation” like a year ago January. I think she could see that I was just mainly severely depressed. So she hooked me up with a psychiatrist who I guess will help me with meds sometime next week.

I think perhaps the weirdest thing that happened to me this last week though, was something that sounds like it fell directly out of an “Eli Stone” episode.  I’ve been so anxious about my health, that I’ve been trying to sleep in my bed, but its too far from my phone, so I’ve been sleeping in the living room on the couch. And the word “sleep” is relative. Its been sketchy at best, especially the night before I was waiting for my phone interview with the idiot food stamp guy the next morning. I just could not sleep. I’d sleep for like a half hour…wake up. Sleep. Wake up. Finally at 3 a.m. I just decided to grab my remote control and see what was on TV… at 3 a.m. I’ve never turned on the TV at that time before, so I had no idea what to expect. So click:

ABC News: Two Jennifers were giving the news at 3 a.m. against a black backdrop. They were both very young… actually  a little too young to be reading news at a major network, I thought. It was so strange I even began wondering if this was beaming out live or not. They were both impossibly pretty and had flippy hair. I don’t remember what the first story was but I definitely remember the second one. The fact that the Pope at the Vatican had just released Seven New Commandments.


I was laying in the couch in the dark, thinking, now that’s weird.  How can the Pope do that? Doesn’t there have to be like a burning bush or something? So Jennifer #1 started reading them off and there was a graphic behind her. Can I remember them? Not really, it was 3 a.m. But there were two in the middle that I definitely do.

They were kinda informal, these NEW Seven Commandments.  None of that  “Thou Shalt Not…” stuff. Because the two that I remembered said that it was a sin to have “Obscene Wealth” and that it was a sin to “Cause Poverty”.

And its funny, because both newscaster girls started to giggle like giddy teenagers when they were through reading them. They even wondered aloud how much money was considered obscene and why would it be considered obscene to have money. They were probably just wondering how many pairs of Manolo Blahniks they could own before they had to go to confession.

So anyways, the next day I had the phone interview with 57B. It went poorly. I lost everything. Afterwards, trying to blank things out, I went on the internet to research the new Seven Commandments. After all, I had seen it on ABC News!! First I Googled “New Commandments” “Seven Commandments”, “Pope + Commandments”. I certainly came up with some funny things like Commandments for Driving like “Don’t kill people’ and then a humor website that included the commandment “Thou shalt not bounce a psycho”. Dang and that’s what I was gonna do tonight after my art class.

Anyways,  I finally went to the official Vatican website…AND….nothing about the New Seven Commandments.

So….? Ummm??? Heh.. I guess there ISN’T any new Seven New Commendments and I was just having some funky-ass, Charlie Kauffmanesque movie dream about waking up and receiving Commandments from two Jennifers on ABC News. Were they my Burning Bush? Do you think I know? I’m the one dreaming about biblical things as filtered through “Girls Gone Wild”? I know one thing. I definitely need to see a psychiatrist for new meds.



16 Responses to “the new seven commandments…maybe”

  1. For-Tart Says:

    Maybe since you were cut loose from food stamps you have now been absolved of that terrible “obscene wealth” sin. Keep your spirits up, Witty, we’re all in this together.

  2. Xat Says:

    I found the seven extra sins here, on DCist. They’re being called “social sins.” (Pollution, meet drug abuse. I’m sure you’ll get along famously. Birth control? Meet stem cell research, you’ve got so much in common….)

    The new sins are:

    1. ‘Bioethical’ violations such as birth control
    2. ‘Morally dubious’ experiments such as stem cell research
    3. Drug abuse
    4. Polluting the environment
    5. Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor
    6. Excessive wealth
    7. Creating poverty

    I say thpppppppppppppp to ’em anyway.

    Be brave, l’il buckaroo. I’m dancing the feel better dance just for you. And no, you do not want to see it. It’s been known to strike people dumb.


  3. Andria Says:

    I’ve been going through my own bleak spell over here, too. It is not fun. However, I very much enjoy Eli Stone. I love anything where people just burst into song. And also because I think Johnny Lee Miller is totally hot, even though he’s got the Angelina Jolie taint all over him.

  4. awittykitty Says:

    So I’m not wack-a-doo? After searching so much, I really thought I had flipped my cookies. Guess I was just tired. Thanks Xat, your royal highness of internet fortitude

  5. artgnome Says:

    I want to go to YOUR salvation army. I’ll wear sequins and sing back up for you any day, my friend. Thank you for all your support and encouragement. It means a lot.

  6. warcrygirl Says:

    I’m sorry you’ve been down. I have a headcold and cramps, so now we can be miserable together, right? I’m not Catholic but it’s nice to know that Paris Hilton has one more reason to go to Hell.

  7. kittiefan17 Says:

    wow. that’s pretty creepy. I hate it when I can’t tell the difference between dreams/fantasy and reality…it really fucks with your head! I have been having a lot of recurring dreams lately and those freak me out, but anyhoo, I hope you feel better soon.


  8. crankygirl Says:

    Thou shalt not get to know the rules. Ever.

  9. scotvalkyrie Says:

    I think most sins and commandments could just be boiled down to: don’t be an asshole. But then that’s what Jesus was saying anyway.

  10. golfwidow Says:

    I was going to tell you you’re not crazy (regarding the new and improved deadly sins) but you’ve been informed already, so yay.

    I am, however, in a position to offer you this, because I want you to know you’re not alone in having weird musical montage moments:

  11. geekbetty Says:

    my foodstamps were knocked down to 35 bucks because I work 10 hours a week. lovely.
    chin up, witty. I’m sorry you’re feeling low. hopefully spring and sunshine and all that good stuff will bring you out of it.

  12. Violet Says:

    So, I guess the Vatican will be taking a lot of stuff to the Goodwill, to divest itself of all that excessive wealth, then.

  13. Kat Says:

    I’m sorry you’re sad and having a hard time, Witty. I will be praying for more prosperous times for you, and help in a timely manner from your doctors. I do understand the frustration and stress of financial struggles. It sucks. Chin up, girl. K.

  14. Stepfordtart Says:

    Yah. Everyone got there before me with the pithy words of wisdom and cheering remarks. Now all I gots left is this hug. (((hug))) want it? its brand new and just your size. s x

  15. DanjerusKurves Says:

    You might want to consider talking directly to your bank’s Fraud Dept. and contesting the AOL charges. They’ll do the research on your behalf and potentially recover your money.

  16. Seacreature Says:

    Wow, what an entry. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through such a downward spiral lately. Dealing with the sSsHiTty lowlives at that horrible office (which is probably a brightly lit, dingy shithole) is enough to make anyone feel awful.
    Man, I’m going to have to check out that Eli show. Your “fantasy” at the Salvation Army was beautiful…but very sad.
    I had actually heard about those additional “modern” sins. I agree with Xat, I say ppptthththttppththhthpt! to them, too!
    Keep the chin up and the head above water, honey. I know things seem bleak, but at least you’re intelligent.

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