the latest dear idiot episode

I’m a perfectly reasonable person. But this last week has been filled with so many rude people (post-Christmas rage?), that the gloves have come off and I really need to sit down and write a few heart-felt letters.

Dear Medicaid Counter Woman with the Attitude who Last Month Announced I wasn’t Disabled and Changed my Paperwork without Permission: Always a pleasure, Loretta or whatever the hell your name is. Do I care what your name is? Doubtful. Why? Because you don’t care what my name is. Or who I am.  Or why I’m there. Or the importance of getting my paperwork done correctly SO I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE IN JANUARY. Do you think I like coming and seeing your sorry, sour-ass face every month and being treated like a booger hanging out of Osama bin Laden’s nose? No. I’d much rather be getting my leg sawn off by a serial killer with a rusty, dull saw than seeing you honey, but unfortunately, I have to come to your window and have you glare at me. Mumble with your head down. Act irate when I can’t hear you. Rip the papers out of my hand that need to be copied. Go over the the copier and slam the lid of the copier all 5 times you make copies. (Yes, yes, yes, I know….consistency.) And then shove everything back at me and have them  go flying all over the floor. Of course, I’m not even sure if everything has been done correctly, although the fact that you’ve rolled your eyes so many times during our brief interaction, I thought you were having a fucking seizure, must surely indicate something. Right? Anyways, thanks. And I’m just counting the days until I see you again in January. Tootles!

Dear Nice Rich Person Who Gave the Food Pantry Your Old Pasta-Roni for us ‘Po Folks: Gosh, that was so nice. Especially around Christmas time and all. Pasta-Roni, the San Francisco treat. Toot toot! But can I ask you one teeny tiny favor? The next time you load up a bag of goodies for the pantry, can you please try not to get it mixed up with the food that Bush wouldn’t even feed the Al Queida at Guantanamo Bay. You know, the pasta-roni that expired in March of 2000, almost 8 years ago. Thanks. 🙂 

Dear Asshat with the Large Truck and Georgia Plates Who Doesn’t Know How to Park: I don’t quite know how you boys down South are taught to park your big-ass man-trucks in parking spaces, but I sure don’t  think your parkin’ learnin’ trips down to Walmart with Pa taught you this…

trucktire.jpg 

I mean, WTF? When I came out of lunch with my mom yesterday, you were parked so damn close to my car, I couldn’t get in. I had to get in on the passenger side and climb over the frickin’ gears. And then when I was backing out, you were so close my mirror almost snapped off under your wheel well.  Of course I was a little frazzled from my brief encounter with…

Dear Bitch Who Almost Made Me Punch a Yuppie: Okay, so I’m going into a pizza restaurant with my mom. The same one where I had my one and only Date with the Village Guy. Ahhh, memories. Anyways, my mom is getting pretty slow these days. So I held the door open for her.  Suddenly, Ms. Thang (you) comes tearing through the door I was holding for my mom. You know the type…the ones who push their carts so fast and aggressively in grocery stores, that you feel like you want to scream”ramming speed” or something, since they’ll just run you over if you’re standing in the way of their favorite Chai Tea.  So Power Yup practically pushed my mother to the floor walking by and I rather innocently said, “You’re welcome”, all kinda friendly, you know like Andy Griffith and Aunt Bea might say to each other on Sunday mornin’ before Church. And then suddenly she snaps over her shoulder, “Are you being sarcastic?” Oh.my.god.  I was like in total shock. Me? Sarcastic? And then a sudden flash of anger. Because for a split second a whole vivid jail scenario flashed before me….life behind bars with my Jail Girlfriend, Bertha, if I were to punch this botoxed bitch right in the kisser. Because  it wasn’t WHAT she said, but HOW she said it. Like a bitchy room mate on a reality show. So its a good thing you kept walking ya stupid Jennifer, otherwise you would have heard me call you a “Bitch”. 

Dear Asshole Driving Like a Lunatic Wednesday Night: Oh, don’t pretend like you don’t know who I’m talking about. YOU! The idiot who sped up out of nowhere on our main 40 mph thoroughfare and started flashing your lights for me to go faster because there was a bus in the lane next to us. Flash. flashflash. Flassssshhhh. flash-flash. fl-asssh. FLASH!! flash. flash. Who knows. Maybe he was doing Morse Code or something. But you know what? The reality of the situation…DUUUUUDE (I could see a young kid driving) I’m in front of you. So again, he gets right up on my ass. Flash. flashflash. Flassssshhhh/ flash-flash. fl-asssh. FLASH!! flash. flashity flash flash. He was so close, in fact,  to my bumper, that his headlights were not visible. So since he was thirsting for some communication, I then did some of my famous Ethiopian hand gestures, which roughly translated means “William Shatner rules the universe and defies all rules of gravity”, of course.  Little did tiny-penis also know that my car is actually a lethal weapon, you know since my gas tank leaks and one step on my brakes could mean he wouldn’t be getting laid by the girl sitting in his passenger seat. I also tried to  convey that with some more intricate hand signals, but to no avail.  Finally the bus on my right side stopped and he could have easily gone around. What does he do? He takes off around me into oncoming traffic  and nearly smashes the front of my car and then slams on his brakes. Ha ha ha. Yeah, it was really funny. Fortunately, I wise, like Glasshopper. I crazily slammed on my brakes too to avoid dying. Wasn’t that fun? Lets do it again! Please!!!

So those have been the people in my life just since Christmas on Tuesday. If you want me to send them over and make your life as enjoyable as mine, just drop me a line.     

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14 Responses to “the latest dear idiot episode”

  1. golfwidow Says:

    PS to Bitch Who Almost Made You Punch a Yuppie: Witty wasn’t being sarcastic at all. She thought she heard you say “Thank you” and she was responding. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

  2. warcrygirl Says:

    You should have informed Rude Yuppie that the next time she shoves and elderly person out of her way she should at LEAST say thank you. I love people who do shit like that to me in traffic, I need a new car Jethro; here, let me slam my brakes so you run into me (not done with kids in the car, just so you know).

  3. Poolie Says:

    Rude Yuppie is a turd.

  4. Andria Says:

    Ugh. That stupid truck guy must live in California, too, because that shit happens to me ALL THE DAMN TIME. And trying to maneuver my big butt over the passenger seat to the driver’s side because I can’t get in is…uh… not exactly easy.

  5. xatczik Says:

    Years ago, when I parked in an underground parking lot for work, I was blocked into a parking space by the same idiot every day, for three days. On the fourth day, I bought the cheapest lipstick I could find at the drugstore and wrote, backwards, on the idiot’s windshield: Your parking is quite creative. I, however, am not evolved enough to enjoy the artistic nuances of your medium. Please pity my conventional sensibilities and get some help.

    Whoever it was never parked near me again.

    I’m glad–that could have gone horribly awry. >)

  6. freshhell Says:

    No need to send them my way. They all already live near me (they must commute or something). People suck. It’s always been my mantra and I’ve rarely ever thought differently.

  7. kittiefan17 Says:

    ooohh…the medicaid woman sounds nasty. I really wish they would fire people like that…and you think they would. *shaking my head*

  8. artgnome Says:

    If you feel comfortable with this – email me and we can discuss me taking a Saturday day trip down to see you to help you work on presenting your show.
    let me know.

  9. Violet Says:

    The “flash-the-headlights-then zoom-ahead-then-jam-on-the-brakes” is an advanced maneuver. Did you get a good look at the driver? You may have had a spiritual encounter with the ghost of Evel Knievel. Lucky you…

    XOX and best wishes for a bright new year free from idiots.

  10. DanjerusKurves Says:

    Your creatively angry outbursts please me muchly. >^,,^<

  11. scotvalkyrie Says:

    As Arnie Cunningham sez in Stephen King’s Christine: “Death to the Shitters in year ____”. I think that can include “Yuppie Bitches Who Obviously weren’t Taught Manners by their Numerous Nannies.”

  12. Epiphany Says:

    I have actually had someone tailgate me on the freeway who apparently wasn’t pleased by the way I let him by (moved into the middle lane, then back over after he’d passed) who then moved over, let me pass, and got behind me again so he could flash his lights.

    Which meant…he was then stuck behind me again.

    I honestly think that some people lose massive amounts of IQ points when they get behind the wheel. Kind of like guys when they get around women. Wait a minute…you got hit by both at once, that must be the answer!

  13. karmacat Says:

    Thanks for sharing your rage letters. I should do some — all about the crazy drivers here. I swear it gets worse by the week.

  14. Seacreature Says:

    Thank you. I seriously needed to read those. I’ve had a similiar couple of weeks. I think consideration of others is completely defunct, especially in California.
    And that prick flashing the hell out of you? Good Christ. You know what I like to do? Take my foot off the gas and just sssssssllllllloooooowwww ddddooooowwwnnnnn in front of them. Yes, get over and flip me off you piece of shit, just get away from me.

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