blows to the head make me see mice

Naturally it started with a blow to the head. I was sitting at the computer and I heard all this thumping noise out in the kitchen. It turned out to be the cat version of “American Gladiator” with Guardcat battling to the death with something.  Okay I kinda knew what it was going to be. Here’s a clue:

Squeak! Squeak!

Because suddenly she came running into the living room. She was so butch initially like “I got a MOFO mouse in my mouth!!!! Look mommy!!!! (suddenly nervous). Ummm. Where should I put this thing? Errr…Its kinda wiggling and taste like ass!”

Well, actually that was all muffled. You know…the mouse in her mouth thing. Naturally, I yelled at her. “Guardcat!!! Don’t kill it!! Its so cute!!! Wait! Let me get my camera!!!” Which of course became her cue to immediately drop it. Which caused us all to stop momentarily and look at each other…as if in total disbelief, like hey look, three friends enjoying an evening together listening to “Spring Awakening”.

But then reality slammed back into place as the mouse took off into the bathroom, where they all go, with Guardcat in hot pursuit, running around the back of the cat box and then coming out the front, looking up at both of us, at which time it did the totally unthinkable. Are you ready?

It ran up over the top of my foot!

And then  I yelled to Guardcat, “Protect me, you idiot!!” So she chased him around the bathroom until it ran back into my linen closet and yes, disappeared into the secret mouse infinity door. What’s that? That’s where all the mice that run into the linen closet disappear to. Honest to god.  They just disappear.

So I got down on my knees and pulled everything out like I always do, which is when I received the blow to the head. It just happened. A bag with beauty supplies (a large bottle of Yardley hand cream, soap, scrubby thing) just inexplicably threw itself off the top shelf and whacked me in the head.

Its amazing how strong those mice are once they’re pressed into action, the little bastards.

Of course, by now, Guardcat was in on the bed, washing her paws, totally oblivious that my life was in danger. I’ll remember that the next time I’m in the cat food aisle, toots.

Anways, I saw “A” on Tuesday and he was in a much better mood and we discussed another plan of action finally. I told him how addicted I’ve become to my computer and how I don’t leave my house much and he wants me to go to 7 meetings (or outings) a week. Awk! I did get him down to 5, especially since its winter and we’ve been getting hammered with a lot of snow and ice the last couple of days. But gah, people have been such assholes, of late.

Take today for instance, when I went down to the Yuppie Grocery Store.  Have I ever mentioned that I have like a total crush on the Yuppie Grocery Store? Yes, I realize that our romance is a bit improbable. I’m a 49 year old woman and my love interest is a 30,000 sq. foot grocery store, but I go there almost every day. I glance at it lovingly when I drive by. It feeds me. I have lunch with it. Its available to me, no questions asked, 24 hours a day! What’s not to love?

I was feeling very a little depressed today however, so I decided to go visit Weggie’s and have some Chinese food. But I did something new today. Instead of eating in the cafe part where Alec Baldwin midget types hang out, I brought my food out to the pseudo-Starbucks cafe area with the tall tables and trendy wooden stools. I had seen a cute guy out there and since I’m now walking straighter and possibly looking hotter or “like a woman” as Charlemagne aptly noticed last night (gee thanks!!), I thought I’d sit there.

Big mistake. Do you know how many idiots bumped into my table or chair either with their big ass bodies or their big ass carts? A lot. I even had some lady come up behind me and say “Excuuuuuuse me” to the back of my chair. Like WTF? Is my chair suppose to move for her? Get a life, Pilate-breath! 

When I finished lunch, I did my grocery shopping, since I (*whispering*) didn’t want Weggie’s to think I was just there because I have a crush on them… and went up to the register to get my stuff. For like the 4 millionth time in the history of the world, the cashier was confused by the concept of food stamps and had to call a manager over.  Blah, blah, blah. Problem solved.  Splendid-oooooo!!

So I get home, walking through the impossibly frigid temperatures, almost falling and cracking my head open on all the poorly maintained icy sidewalks at Crazy Hilton, only to realize….FUCK…one of my bags of groceries was missing! Was I angry? Is the German Pope Guy Catholic? And it was the bag with my meat in it too! The most expensive thing I buy. Plus I had a splitting headache. I guess it was all that MSG from the Chinese food. Or possibly the recurring head injuries from falling objects in my apartment.

So I made my way back down the icy sidewalks to my car. Drove back to Weggie’s thinking perhaps I left the package in the bottom half of my cart. But no, said the Cart Boys. I then headed into the Customer Service Desk.

Now this store is absolutely known for their superior customer service. A strawberry has a piece of lint on it and they give you a $10 gift card. But this certainly wasn’t evident in the next ten minutes.

I tell Customer Service dweeb #1 and #2 about my dilemma. My missing meat (you can insert your own joke here). They check a little mini-fridge behind the counter. Nope. No meat. Them: “Do you have a receipt?” Me: “No. I just came directly back. Doesn’t the fact that I told you exactly what kind of meat I had and how much they cost tell you something?” Them: “Drrr?” (staring off into space).  They then asked C.S. Dweeb #3 if she has seen my meat (again, feel free to insert a joke here).  Her: “No”. C.S. Dweeb # 2: “So you don’t have a receipt with you then?” Me: “No.” C.S. Dweeb #1: “What register were you at?” Me looking down at 470 registers. “Ummm? I don’t know, but I would know the cashier. She was confused by food stamps.” The dweebs immediately looked at each other suspiciously at the mention of the “F” word. Food stamps. Gasp!! This woman is definitely scamming us. Call security….quick!!!

I again said I would know the cashier if I saw her and then the rather lackadaisical, customer service Dweeb #1 f.i.n.a.l.l.y came out from behind the counter and rather lazily followed me down the row of registers, like oh bother!! I’d so rather be chatting with Jodie about “Days of our Lives!” And when we spotted her, it was immediately apparent that she knew she had fucked up.  She said “I tried to catch you but you walked out of the store so fast!!”

Although the correct chain of events was somewhat closer to this:

witty walks away from the dumb cashier and saunters over to the lottery ticket machine 12 feet from her register and stands there thinking Hmmm? Which ticket should I buy for a dollar? Santa Dollars? Oh no, I’ll never win with anything with the word Santa in it. Well, I never win anything anyways, so I might as well throw away my money somehow!” And then I put my dollar into the machine, got the ticket, walked 1 foot over to the lottery stand, scratched off the ticket, quietly said, “why do I always lose?”And then slowly sauntered towards the door since I had a really blinding headache.

But I guess in the cashier’s mind, I was hurtling out of the doors at the speed of light. I mean I can see how those two scenarios could get confused.

So she said she had sent my bag of groceries over to the…can you guess? The Customer Service Desk!! Well how do you like that!!  Who saw that coming? That was like a McGuffin in a Hitchcock movie!! So me and C.S. “I don’t care, leave me alone” Dweeb #1 walked back to the customer service desk and there was my bag of perishable groceries (cheese, meat, yogurt) languishing  and possibly oozing and growing e Coli bateria up on the counter. I guess they were like totally fooled by the loaf of bread on top of the meat (again, insert your joke here) and never thought to look at any additional stray bags  that were laying around on the counter. So the guy pushed the bag towards me. Did he say he was sorry? Nope. Should he have? Yes, I think so. Even to me a lowly Food Stamptopian.

So I’m a little mad at my “boyfriend” Weggie’s right now. And as far as getting out in public 5 times a week. Well, that’s going to be tough one. The one saving grace of the afternoon was driving into the parking lot behind a car with a giant operational menorah strapped to the roof. Ha ha ha.


I figured I better show a picture of the giant menorah strapped to the roof of a car, since who would believe a woman who was whacked in the head by a bag of beauty supplies pushed off a shelf by an evil  malevolent mouse.



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12 Responses to “blows to the head make me see mice”

  1. adventuresofadramateacher Says:

    I really need to get out more often too. Happy Holidays Witty!

  2. artgnome Says:

    Since I live in the hometown of Weggies, you must traverse up here sometime and I will take you to the mother of all Weggies, The Pittsford Weggies. They took Cher there, when she was on tour here once, and she remarked that they need a weggies like that in Malibu. When cashiers give me shit, I talk to their managers. Works like a charm.

    Put some ice on yer ‘ed, poor dear, and put a mouse trap in that linen closet. Peanut butter on the trap gets them every time.

  3. geekbetty Says:

    leave your house seven times a week?? they’d have to pay me to do that….they DO pay me to do that.

  4. Holly Says:

    Hope your head is better. I have a closet like that, well minus the meese’s to pieces.. thank god, but everytime I did for something, it attacks me. Sounds like there may be a small hole in it somewhere. Mice can squeese in thru a hole the size of a nickel. If you can find an patch the hole, that might help get rid of the rodent population, either that or let the cat have her snack, gruesome as it is, she is a cat after all. hehehe.. hey, l’ve left more than a few bags behind at the grocery store..My mind is too little to wander around by itself, but it likes to sneak out anyway, the little bastard.. heheh {{hugs}}

  5. scotvalkyrie Says:

    Leaving your house 7 times a week sounds like a job. “A” should give you a salary.

  6. Poolie Says:

    OMG! You really DID have a Poolie moment! Several of them, in fact. Must be that February 12th thing.

  7. chaosdaily Says:

    yeah watch out for those poolie moments. they’ll get you!

  8. Joe Says:

    I was sure you were going to return to Weggie’s and not find your other bag. Upon returning home, you’d open the closet door only to have the mouse drop the bag of meat on your head. Would that be like getting tea-bagged by a mouse?

  9. FairyGodMum Says:

    I once found a mouse in my closet. Only thing it musta been there for a year cause it was all curled and dried up in my grandmothers heirloom linen. Of course it smelled for a whole year but I couldn’t find it. Tore the entire closet apart looking for it, then one day…. EEEEKKKKKKSSSS!!!!!

  10. pantrypuff Says:

    Outside is bad. Don’t go out there. BAD THINGS happen out there. Inside is much much better 🙂

    All this talk of meat and cheese is making me hungry…

  11. crankygirl Says:

    The Chanukah car slays me. And customer disservice? Yuck.

  12. Violet Says:

    A) Sorry about your head. I hope there is no bump, and that Guardcat is remorseful.

    2. Please explain about this Weggies, because I do not know what it is, and I may need to become obsessed with it, as well.


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