I occasionally take myself out to lunch. A bagel and a Diet Coke. $47.50. I live in an expensive area, ya see. I like listening in on the usually inane yuppie chatter. Like the two women next to me in this photo. Evidently their whole lives consist of..get this…having lunch and shopping!!!!
Well, except for the shopping part. LOL!
I’m actually just sitting here thinking have I ever actually Laughed Out Loud? Do I look like I’ve ever laughed out loud? You can go back and look at the photo if you want. I’ll wait. I guess you probably know the answer to that one, huh?
See that’s my problem. I look like I just sucked 3000 lemons and want to kick puppies. Its genetic. I’m Irish and related to my mother. And unfortunately people are very put off by that.
I’ve been trying to change my ways though. No not by smiling. WTF? That would be weird. But by standing up straighter. Physical therapy continues to be challenging. Yesterday when I was raising my arms skywards channeling “Evita”, it almost inadvertantly slipped out. The singing “Evita” part.
Why did I hold back? Because my sense of humor, in person, is a little like a timid hamster. I never know how people are going to react to a giant wave of unbridled sarcasm. Or something off the wall like me singing “Evita” whilst the physical therapist is in the room. Will she think I’m weird…well yes witty…or more importantly…will she laugh. Because, after all, that is my main goal in life. Making people laugh…Because being this pale sour-faced scowling woman who suddenly comes up with these fabulous bon mots can scare people, ya know?
But onto my awesomely exciting week. Or maybe I should adjust that just slightly. Onto my just slightly more exciting than these things week:
- Plucking chin hairs.
- Stepping in cold, wet cat barf at the end of my bed.
- Watching Gay Elvis sing a love song with my brother, of my brother’s choosing to make him look foolish, which was probably the most awesome thing my brother has ever done. Bravo “R”. Well done! I guess we are related!
Okay, nothing really topped that except on Monday when I was driving on the main street in our city and twice in a minute and a half came face to face with cars driving the wrong way. The first one I saw, because she pulled into my lane, thinking it was a turn lane even though, well, hey dimwit, there’s only three lanes and you might have noticed, HI! I’m in the lane directly across the intersection! But I let her go first, since its good karma to be nice to stupid people around Christmas. And then as soon as I pulled across the intersection, I turned left onto a one way street and WHOA, there’s a car barreling towards me the wrong way again.
Did someone forget to send me the “Stupid People are Driving Without Their Medication” memo? Fortunately I was able to swerve out of their way, because even after seeing me, they STILL seemed totally unaware that they were traveling the wrong way on a one-way street.
Of course something even weirder had me wondering about things this last week when I had Chinese food at the yuppie grocery store. I was waiting for my prescriptions and went to sit in their little cafe, trying to look all cognito. Or is that in-cognito? I guess it really doesn’t matter when you’re invisible anyways. And then I spotted HIM.
Alec ‘frookin’ Baldwin!!
I swear it was him! He was sitting in a booth by the window with a bunch of rough looking Irish guys….looking all ruddy with that distinctive Alec Baldwin Pompadour. And there I was, slurping my Chinese noodles, secretly slipping my hand in my purse to get my digital camera. I carry that everywhere these days. Its like my second or third or fourth pair of Dollar Store glasses in importance. I wanted to get a picture of him. Sure he was about 30 feet away with lots of people in-between us, but he’s on one of my favorite shows “30 Rock”. And it wasn’t totally out of the realm of possibilities that he could be eating lunch in the yuppie store cafe with a bunch of rough looking Irish guys since his mother lives in town. Who knows? Maybe she was off shopping and Alec had a hankering for Chinese and then he met up with some teamster guys or something. I mean it could happen.
So I kept furtively eating my Chinese and looking over at him, hand on camera, because that’s how the paparazzi roll. Let the celebrity eat with the teamster guys while their mother shops and then pounce!!
But then suddenly there was movement at the table. All the Irish guys were starting to slide out of the booth and Alec, god bless him, was just about to stand up. Yikes! I wasn’t quite finished with my fried rice. And oh my god I would have to suddenly and rather abruptly confront somebody and take their picture and we all know how famous Alec’s temper is. And then more importantly, I hoped I wouldn’t drop my camera as I bounded across the yuppie cafe in shoes not properly certified by Paparazzi International.
But then when the guy stood up I suddenly realized it wasn’t him. Why? He was only about 5 ft 3″ tall. IN fact he was the shortest guy at the table. In fact I think he was the shortest guy in the entire freakin’ store….him and his pseudo-Alec Baldwin pompadour. How dare you make me nervous thinking I was eating Chinese food in close proximity to a movie star. Arghh!!!
So I carefully tucked my digital camera away back into my purse, because I was fairly certain that since I’ve only seen one celebrity since I moved to New York 16 years ago (who was in fact ALEC BALDWIN!!!), I probably wouldn’t be seeing any more before the end of lunch.