the excitement builds…heh, not really


I occasionally take myself out to lunch. A bagel and a Diet Coke. $47.50. I live in an expensive area, ya see. I like listening in on the usually inane yuppie chatter. Like the two women next to me in this photo. Evidently their whole lives consist of..get this…having lunch and shopping!!!!

ME TOO!!!!!

Well, except for the shopping part. LOL!

(long pause)

I’m actually just sitting here thinking have I ever actually Laughed Out Loud? Do I look like I’ve ever laughed out loud? You can go back and look at the photo if you want. I’ll wait. I guess you probably know the answer to that one, huh?

See that’s my problem. I look like I just sucked 3000 lemons and want to kick puppies. Its genetic. I’m Irish and related to my mother. And unfortunately people are very put off by that.

I’ve been trying to change my ways though. No not by smiling. WTF? That would be weird. But by standing up straighter. Physical therapy continues to be challenging. Yesterday when I was raising my arms skywards channeling “Evita”,  it almost inadvertantly slipped out. The singing “Evita” part.

Why did I hold back? Because my sense of humor, in person,  is a little like a timid hamster. I never know how people are going to react to a giant wave of unbridled sarcasm. Or something off the wall like me singing “Evita” whilst the physical therapist is in the room. Will she think I’m weird…well yes witty…or more importantly…will she laugh. Because, after all, that is my main goal in life. Making people laugh…Because being this pale sour-faced scowling woman who suddenly comes up with these fabulous bon mots can scare people, ya know? 

But onto my awesomely exciting week. Or maybe I should adjust that just slightly. Onto my just slightly more exciting than these things week:

  1. Plucking chin hairs.
  2. Stepping in cold, wet cat barf at the end of my bed.
  3. Watching Gay Elvis sing a love song with my brother, of my brother’s choosing to make him look foolish, which was probably the most awesome thing my brother has ever done. Bravo “R”. Well done! I guess we are related!

Okay, nothing really topped that except on Monday when I was driving on the main street in our city and twice in a minute and a half came face to face with cars driving the wrong way. The first one I saw, because she pulled into my lane, thinking it was a turn lane even though, well, hey dimwit, there’s only three lanes and you might have noticed, HI! I’m in the lane directly across the intersection! But I let her go first, since its good karma to be nice to stupid people around Christmas. And then as soon as I pulled across the intersection, I turned left onto a one way street and WHOA, there’s a car barreling towards me the wrong way again.

Did someone forget to send me the “Stupid People are Driving Without Their Medication” memo? Fortunately I was able to swerve out of their way, because even after seeing me, they STILL seemed totally unaware that they were traveling the wrong way on a one-way street.

Of course something even weirder had me wondering about things this last week when I had Chinese food at the yuppie grocery store. I was waiting for my prescriptions and went to sit in their little cafe, trying to look all cognito. Or is that in-cognito? I guess it really doesn’t matter when you’re invisible anyways. And then I spotted HIM.

Alec ‘frookin’ Baldwin!!

I swear it was him! He was sitting in a booth by the window with a bunch of rough looking Irish guys….looking all ruddy with that distinctive Alec Baldwin Pompadour. And there I was, slurping my Chinese noodles, secretly slipping my hand in my purse to get my digital camera. I carry that everywhere these days. Its like my second or third or fourth pair of Dollar Store glasses in importance. I wanted to get a picture of him. Sure he was about 30 feet away with lots of people in-between us, but he’s on one of my favorite shows “30 Rock”. And it wasn’t totally out of the realm of possibilities that he could be eating lunch in the yuppie store cafe with a bunch of rough looking Irish guys since his mother lives in town. Who knows? Maybe she was off shopping and Alec had a hankering for Chinese and then he met up with some teamster guys or something. I mean it could happen.

So I kept furtively eating my Chinese and looking over at him, hand on camera, because that’s how the paparazzi roll. Let the celebrity eat with the teamster guys while their mother shops and then pounce!!

But then suddenly there was movement at the table. All the Irish guys were starting to slide out of the booth and Alec, god bless him, was just about to stand up. Yikes! I wasn’t quite finished with my fried rice. And oh my god I would have to suddenly and rather abruptly confront somebody and take their picture and we all know how famous Alec’s temper is. And then more importantly, I hoped I wouldn’t drop my camera as I bounded across the yuppie cafe in shoes not properly certified by Paparazzi International.

But then when the guy stood up I suddenly realized it wasn’t him. Why? He was only about 5 ft 3″ tall. IN fact he was the shortest guy at the table. In fact I think he was the shortest guy in the entire freakin’ store….him and his pseudo-Alec Baldwin pompadour. How dare you make me nervous thinking I was eating Chinese food in close proximity to a movie star. Arghh!!! 

So I carefully tucked my digital camera away back into my purse, because I was fairly certain that since I’ve only seen one celebrity since I moved to New York 16 years ago (who was in fact ALEC BALDWIN!!!), I probably wouldn’t be seeing any more  before the end of lunch.



11 Responses to “the excitement builds…heh, not really”

  1. crankygirl Says:

    Before I got the end I was thinking that AB is a fat screaming A-hole, so if he wasn’t being a jerk, it wasn’t him.

    I have that smiling/sour face problem too–it’s a bummer.

  2. Andria Says:

    Ha. If I saw Alec Baldwin (well, the real Alec Baldwin), I would have totally flipped out. I have loved him since he was on Knotts Landing. (I feel old now.)

    And, you know, people that don’t know me never know what to make of my sarcasm and sense of humor in the beginning. I remember when I first started working at my company, I made this hugely sarcastic comment in front of the Vice President and another co-worker. And they both just stood there looking at each other, neither saying a word, because they couldn’t tell if I was joking or just crazy. (They still aren’t sure.)

  3. LA Says:

    Complete inability to remember ahead of time that people WILL have some kind of response to my nonsense. I would totally bust out with ‘Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina’ and be all, “What? Something I said?” if someone got bent about it. I need some of your discretion and you need some of my innattentive idiocy. I have a mad face too. And now that it’s sliding down the front of my skull (thanks, gravity!) I look even more cranky and pissed off. I have to grin like a lobotomized fool before I even look remotely pleasant. ~LA

  4. Poolie Says:

    You make me HOWL with laughter!

  5. adventuresofadramateacher Says:

    I wish I could know you in person because you always make me laugh!

  6. Holly Says:

    I do that kind of stuff, even though sometimes people look at me like they are wondering if I am on some sort of medication they should be aware of {I am but its none of thier busy-ness heheh}. I often find myself singing {lately Meatloaf for some bizarre reason}, or clapping. I love sarcasm. I am one of the most sarcastic people I know. espcially when manic, though if I’m not careful I can get nastily sarcastic then.

  7. warcrygirl Says:

    I sing to myself in the car, mostly angry music that uses the F-word. A lot. People think I’m nuts already so why not have some fun? If I saw Alec Baldwin I’d ask to see his Father of the Year Award. Then I’d laugh.

  8. geekbetty Says:

    If I thought I saw A. Baldwin in public I’d probably tackle him.

  9. freshhell Says:

    Funny, “plucking chin hairs” was on MY to-do list, too!

  10. Stepfordtart Says:

    That bagel looks really delicious. Hmmmm. Supper time, methinks! s x

  11. Dangerspouse Says:

    Ha HA ha ha! Pwnd by a midget celebrity impersonator! Hey, was that a salt bagel? I love them, but they attract deer. Dozens come barreling into our yard once one of them catches the scent of my lick-in-a-bag. Hey, where are you in NY that you do Apple Fests? I was under the impression that you’re in the City. No? (And btw, beyotch, it’s NOT a “garbage bag”. It’s a “Lawn and Leaf Bag”. Puh-leez. Allow me my pretentions.) xoxoxox thanks for the note!

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