1. I’ve come to realize that my butt:
Is so exquisite that if they do any more renovations at the Sistine Chapel that they will want-need-even desire to use my butt as the butt Michelangelo originally envisioned as the perfect butt, i.e., a work of art, destined for greatness and vast canvasses. Did that come out right?
2. I’ve come to realize that when I talk :
Everyone in the frickin’ universe can hear me except my mom who says I mumble and talk too soft, but I like to think I’m actually talking in a sexy, sultry, come-hither Lauren Bacall voice that instantly arouses men and is possibly responsible for Global Warming (Sorry Mr. Gore).
3. I’ve come to realize that, if I love someone (not family):
They’re probably either gay or married or scared when they see me checking them out from my car, since wouldn’t you be scared if you saw that scary, artsy, film noirish murderess with a fireplace poker (see above) staring at you?
4. I’ve come to realize that, I need:
The same amount of chocolate needed to feed the entire population of China.
5. I’ve come to realize that, I lost:
My marbles about 7 years ago, but I’m actually a happier freer person without them.
6. I’ve come to realize that, I hate it when:
Jennifer and Todd McSUV think that all the stop signs in the mall parking lot are merely decorative and blow through them whilst talking on their cute little cell phones. Just remember the little known 11th commandment, Jennifer and Todd: “Thou shalt not kill thy yuppie coupleth, unless thy has’eth a good parking place.”
7. I’ve come to realize that, if I’m drunk:
It would be really weird since I don’t drink. Although there was that one night when I was dating Andre and he tried to combine disco dancing and creme de cocoa. Now who was luscious young lady singing Elton John’s greatest hits at the gas station that night?
8. I’ve come to realize that, marriage:
Was not a very good idea for my parents who had seven marriages between them. Can you say: “Bad role model”.
9. I’ve come to realize that: It helps immeasurably to actually TURN THE THERMOSTAT UP when your apartment is freezing ass cold instead of running around cursing out your apartment manager and whining about how shitty your apartment is (although you do have a broken window pane in the bedroom) and thinking about how miserable he’s going to be to you when you call and say you have no heat. And like how many times did you kick your baseboard heater, witty? D’oh!
10. I’ve come to realize that, I’ll always be:
Short. Depressed. Funny. Creative. But at least thats better than Republican!
11. I’ve come to realize that, I have a crush on:
No one. I’ve given up the crush business for Lent. And yes, I know Lent isn’t until Spring.
12. I’ve come to realize that, the last time I cried was:
Several days ago when I was getting over the crap that “A” had said to me at my last appointment. It was like a Good Cop/Bad Cop thingie, except there was no Good Cop.
13. I’ve come to realize that, my cell phone is:
Invisible. Oh wait, I don’t have one. Me. So. Sad. Not.
14. I’ve come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:
Guardcat will always be down at the bottom of my bed, waiting to attack my foot. Good kitty!
15. I’ve come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night I:
Will have to leave the door unlocked for my secret Lovah…Johnny Depp. Its true, he’s very busy with his other diaryland wives…BlueMeany and HissandTell, who always always sends him back to me very tired. Thanks Hiss. But crimany….he’s Johnny Depp…
…wouldn’t you wait?
16. I’ve come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
That in three hours I will be at a party with Gay Elvis and a bunch of Eye-talian people over 70 and it will have me wondering if my life can possibly get any more exciting. I mean I can just barely wait until the karaoke part starts and I get to hide my total disdain for people who can’t sing. And then there will Cowboy Dell who will inevidibly yell out that he’s not wearing any underwear. I mean you have to have something to look forward to, right?
17. I’ve come to realize that, babies are:
are tasty with a side of roasted potatoes.
18. I’ve come to realize that, when I get on Myspace:
I will probably have some rock band inviting me to be their “friend”. Do I LOOK like I want to be your friend? I’m a 49 year old woman who likes Broadway musicals. Most of my friends are artists and writers. And yet you keep sending your request over and over. Doesn’t no mean no? Yes, I realize you’re a cool musician and you’re not used to hearing “NO”, but get over yourself Foo McPhishFighters. I don’t add a MySpace person unless I know them. Granted I don’t know Yoko Ono, but I did seek her out since I didn’t think she would hunt me down. And I think it goes without saying that she’s like totally amused by my surveys. Am I right?? Am I right, Yoko????
19. I’ve come to realize that, today I will:
Tongue kiss my cat. Its a middle aged crazy cat lady thing, you know.
20. I’ve come to realize that, tonight I will:
See #16. Maybe I should start timing my pharmaceuticals about now.
21. I’ve come to realize that, tomorrow I will: Be reliving the joys of partying with Gay Elvis and Cowboy Dell and recounting
the horror the excitement of when I jumped up on the coffee table and sang “Like a Virgin”, perhaps channeling a little Roy Orbinson since the average age in the room will be death.
22. I’ve come to realize that, I really want to:
Win the lottery. Not just the money lottery, but the life lottery. I’d like to live in a place that doesn’t have rotting floors, broken glass in the bedroom window, chunks falling off the window sill and mice running around. I’d like a car that doesn’t have gas leaking out of the gas tank and could blow any minute. I’d like a larger space to do my artwork, since I literally have none, except my kitchen counter where I feed Guardcat. But most of all I’d like to find someone to love me. And understand me. And not mistake my sarcasm for incurable anger.
Is that too much to ask?