ass-o-painia, the place near bitch-o-topia

Sadly, the Johnny Depp tongue massage on my ass thing is still pending so I’ve been experiencing some of the worst pain in my life this last week. I mean even worst than when “Moonlighting” was canceled. 

 At first the pain was just in my butt muscle. And then it traveled down my thigh. And then it hit my calf. And then it shot to my foot. And suddenly I could barely get out of bed. Guardcat loved it. She thought we were finally officially “a couple.”

Anyways, I wish I had some kind of wild and exotically entertaining story about how I got this malady. Like Britney Spears was driving by my house and was momentarily distracted when her son dropped his tiny designer bag of crack cocaine in with his Cheerios and she screamed and swore at him because the paparazzi was chasing her and she was driving without a license or underwear and his horrendous misdeed caused her to make a sudden veer and I was just walking out of the library with a video of “The Walton’s Christmas Special” when she suddenly hit a “Ducks Crossing” sign which inexplicably flew up in the air and came flying down towards my ass and then hit. Whack! I mean people in Canada could hear it. And then there are like 10,000 photo flashes as Britney got out of her car to check to see if there was any damage to her fender.  I mean the paparazzi went wild screaming, “Are you all right, Britney? Are you all right, Brit?” and I’m laying on the ground bleeding. But of course everyone is ignoring me, because my name isn’t Britney Spears. And she says, “Dang, I think I got another dent in my dern fender!” And then there are like 3000  more camera flashes. And then we cut to the Britney babies, who are crying in the back seat, as they angrily throw  their tiny little crack cocaine rocks down on the car floor intermingling with the tiny scattered Cheerios (aww Britney, you’re such a good mommy! Cheerios for the kids!).

Meanwhile, I’m still lying bleeding to death on the ground….clutching “The Walton’s Christmas Special” since I don’t want to have to pay a fine for a lost video at the library.

But once Britney Spears sees that her car is still drive-able…you know, despite running over a middle-aged bipolar woman…she gets back in and takes off, unfortunately running over “The Walton’s Christmas Special” which has now unfortunately slipped out of my blood soaked hand, as I crawl towards my apartment to call 911.

Okay, I exaggerated just slightly.

Not much has really happened this week. My brain is fried by pharmaceuticals,  menopause and pain. I did finally see the ever-delightful, but long absent “A” Thursday. I hadn’t seen him in over 5 weeks. That’s the longest time I’ve ever been without the shrink in last 13 years. Its been hard. Why? Because I have these really intense fear of abandonment issues, and they’ve really been getting tweaked in the last 36 days.

But it was great seeing him and fortunately he was in a good mood and was interested in all my recent art adventures. He’s also going to introduce me to an artist at the new place where he works. Not sure in what capacity. Like maye for a possible job or just advice. Because I told him about the crap-ola job interview which required math and he actually knew the woman there too. “A” knows everyone!

On Saturday I went to a lunch outing with my aunt and mother. My aunt had bought me a ticket to some event at the local veteran’s building and when I walked in and saw five rows of tables of 75 year old women sitting under fluorescent lighting playing BINGO, I really wanted to run screaming. But I love my aunt and  so I joined them for what could seemingly be referred to as “My name is Earl: The Granny Edition“.  Because for the next hour I had to listen to a bunch of elderly magpies talking about their recipes for scalloped potatoes and what pill they take for what pain. I mean, sure I could relate to the subject of pain, since Saturday was my worst day so far, but mostly it was just depressing. The meal was horrible too. When the lounge lizard entertainment guy walked in (he looked like a cross between Robert Goulet and Alec Baldwin on a bender), all the women turned and looked and I surreptitiously hid the rancid piece of ham under a napkin and threw it away. Blech! I did finally leave by around 1:45. I had another place to go. And WANTED to go. An all day FREE drawing marathon at the local university. Yay!

I wasn’t sure if I could park on campus (my sore ass really wanted to, so I wouldn’t have to walk too far), but I ended parking about a 1/4 mile away and lugging all my stuff up the hill.

It was a mostly fun event. Two nude models posing simultaneously amid all sorts of weird props like vintage suitcases, a Victorian fainting couch and bull skulls. I ignored the nude models and mainly worked on things I don’t usually get to draw like skulls.

bullskull.jpg

They also had “fun” events like the Show and Draw which pit artist against artist at an easel. A third person would give  them a subject matter and then they would have like 1-3 minutes to draw them. They weren’t the usual subject matter either but more along the lines of “Draw the contents of your stomach”. “Draw your brain on cocaine.” “Draw the thought process of a hamster eating tofu”.

I was too shy to join in at first, but I finally did at about the 2 hour mark. I guess I was in so much pain, I was either going to pass out or I could make a fool of myself in front of a bunch of rich college kids and provide amusement for the masses. 🙂  

Well, I somehow managed to win the first round. The assignment? Draw a character based on the music playing. Naturally since I’m a Broadway geek, I had no idea what the song was except it had the words “Go Go Girl” in it, so I drew it like an anime cartoon. I was actually shaking inside, drawing in front of people. But I won, by the amount of applause. 

The second round? Well, I didn’t have a chance. Why? How could I win against the college kid’s friends twice? I mean I could have recreated Picasso’s “Guernica” and still lost. I felt pretty cranky about it too. Why? Because they were handing out certificates saying “So and so participated in the Show and Draw at So and So University on November 3, 2007” blah blah blah. And I so stupidly wanted one. I figured winning one round would be enough.  But when I asked the Professor who was running the event, she said I had to win several rounds and then just kind of smirked. WTF, woman. It was just a cheap piece of paper saying I had participated fercrissakes.

Anyways, I guess I’m better now about not receiving some stupid freaking rich college kid drawing contest certificate. Why? Because on Monday when I went to the mental health place for my empowerment group I bumped into one of the women who had bought two of my collages last week. She stopped me and said she wanted to buy a third one and that her mother liked them so much, that she wanted me to make her two of the larger ones! I was astounded! Reallly?

So poop on your cheesy little old certificate. I’ll be busy making money with my art. 🙂

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12 Responses to “ass-o-painia, the place near bitch-o-topia”

  1. crankygirl Says:

    Congrats on the collages. Sorry to hear about the pain–I hope it abates and/or you can see a chiropractor.

  2. Kathy Says:

    Have you ever posted a picture of one of your collages? I’d like to see one. And that’s great, selling so many of them – congrats!

  3. freshhell Says:

    Yay for art money! Boo for back pain! Also, I have to say I’m slightly disappointed to learn that your Britney run-in didn’t actually happen. You’d be famous! And rich! And you could hire a J. Depp look alike massage therapist!

  4. scotvalkyrie Says:

    Make sure you charge MORE for the collages — the first taste is always less! They gotta pay more now for the good stuff!

  5. Seacreature Says:

    Yes, I’d like to see a picture of one of your collages. Love the skull drawing. Keep it up, it seems to be more of a therapy for you now…

  6. artgnome Says:

    your talent and tenacity are thrilling to read about, but today’s title had me hawing out loud. Damn, you funny, girl! Feel better soon, sciatica so sucks!

  7. Violet Says:

    Dude, f&*^ that certificate–you are selling your art, and that is fab. Kick ass! (Not your own, though–that would hurt.)

    I am sending Johnny over as soon as he’s through here.

    It may be a little while.

    XO
    Violet

  8. Violet again with the commenting Says:

    P.S. — “Moonlighting” –ha ha!

  9. xatczik Says:

    Huzzah! for you. And to hell with the rich kids…they’re all Jennifers in pupal form anyway. *grin* Well, most of ’em.

    Cheers~

  10. diana nguyen Says:

    i absolutely love to read about how your art career is taking off 🙂 keep up the fabulous work!! and if possible, it would be awesome to see a picture of your collages 😀

  11. pastlifegoo Says:

    I’ve been reading you for awhile (1 or 2 years now?) and you weren’t selling your art back then. Even if you don’t see it, I can see that you’ve made a lot of progress in that respect. Don’t be so hard on yourself….I have always thought you were awesome, and you ARE! Internet friends count too! 🙂

  12. voodoo child Says:

    I don’t know how I ran across your blog. It is such a good read. You really crack me up. Thanks for the laughs. Keep it up. Your art rocks.

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