In case you’ve been wondering why I’ve only been writing about every 8-9 days, like I know you totally have since I’m so important in your life, there are several reasons.
- I literally have nothing more stimulating going on other then my usual bitching about yuppies talking on cell phones after nearly hitting me with their hummus powered Al Gore cars.
- I am in so much severe pain from sciatic nerve problems I can barely move and how funny and amusing is that? and…
- I’ve been taking mind altering medications (pain pills and depression medicine) that have totally erased my sense of humor. Sure I have my one can’t miss joke I use in the elevator at the mental health place. Inevitably somebody will get in and push the UP button when I’m going down and they’ll immediately start apologizing for making me go an extra floor and I’ll say…you’ll love this…”That’s okay. I’m bipolar. I’m used to going up and down!!” Ha ha ha. I mean that joke totally kills in an elevator!! I mean people will be gasping for air and falling against the wall laughing and I’ll be standing there rolling my eyes.
Anyways, other than that, the depression medicine I started using about a month ago has made me into a Stepford Wife, except for the boob part, which sadly, has remained the same.
But one strange thing HAS happened. My art ability has suddenly improved like 300% and I’ve been extremely productive, making 11 collages in one week for an art show I had this last Friday. I’ve also been framing things that had formerly just been laying in heaps around my apartment. I’ve been promoting myself. I’ve been making poster for my art show next summer. And I’m like WTF??? This is weird. Because have I ever mentioned my middle name is Apathy?
The drawing thing is the weirdest though. Yes, I’m a pretty good artist. meh. I’m more of a “make it really colorful so maybe people won’t notice that I can’t really draw” kind of person. But in the last month or so, my drawing has improved dramatically, and its really spooky. Is it the depression medicine? Or am I just finally “getting it”?
So I did have another art show on Friday. Unlike the previous two, this was a more commercial –less people walking around with a paperclip impaling their eyelid one. It was at my former place of employment and it was an all-day event and I was hell-bent on making money
off those bastards there since there is a long, long story about that place which I have never revealed. Just some bad blood. Not with my former job. Just with some stuff which has happened since. And it makes me really sad. I mean REALLY SAD!! Because that place had been really good to me, but since I’m a bigger person than the person who is responsible for my unhappiness, I’ll just leave it at that, mmm’kay?
But before I dive into Friday, I did have fun at our yearly Halloween event at my art class Wednesday night. We had way more people than usual and Sci-Fi Guy brought in his vast awesome collection of strange and weird Halloweenian music. He also brought in about 1.6 trillion donuts and I think I might have partook of one or three.
Our Fearless Art Leader also made a brief appearance and brought in Zartak, a fortune teller in a glass case whose eyes lit up and who’d say things like “Do you really think your plans would work out?” and then break out in maniacal laughter. I guess it really wasn’t that good of an idea to ask him the question that I did. What was it? Well, I had had a job interview that day at Joann’s the arts and crafts store (yeah! They finally called. I was shocked!!) and the zombie fortune teller just laughed manically when I asked if I was going to get hired. I think I might have laughed too actually, because even though the interview went pretty well, there was one monumental stumbling block. I was interviewing for a framer position but I have no math ability whatsoever. I’m a total math retard and I felt that it was important to fess up, since the job uses a lot of math in the measuring of framework and how stressful would it be standing there and not knowing how big 1/16″ of an inch is? So I asked the woman if there was any way around it, like could I do everything else in the department but measuring and she said no. So I’m not holding my breath on that one.
But our Halloween celebration in our class was a lot of fun. We had our twice a year group photo. I was wearing my jewel-encrusted tiara of course. See how good I would have been in the framing department? Hey lady wearing the tiara! Will you help me please?
I also adopted this really fugly evil rubber rat for the night. It was prop for the model, but it was nice and soft and I was holding it up to my face and hugging on it (witty needs a date) and the Professional Artist Guy suggested that I call it Cuddles. All, in all a lot of fun, like it always is.
Anyways, on Friday I did bring a bunch of my collages and two paintings to my old job for the art show there. At first they put me in the furthest corner on the fourth floor (translation: We’re giving you the crappiest spot with the lowest traffic possible.) I was disappointed, but I just set up my stuff. My old work buddy “J” and his sidekick “J” came up and looked puzzled. “Why are you up here?” Me: “I don’t know” They said, “No, you’re coming downstairs.” So they helped me pack up and I went down to the more desirable third floor and I got to sit next to the 35 year old woman dressed in a Superman outfit who talked to her doll Jessie and would ask him to watch her booth when she went to the bathroom.
Hey! At least there was entertainment!
I was pleasant to everyone. And the Oscar goes to… I mainly say that because I was in so much pain. My sciatic nerve pain has been so severe in the last week, I’ve barely been able to move. I’ve done everything. Hot baths. Ice. My vibrating mattress. (Shut up!). I even had a session with the Aqua Massage machine down at the mall. I’ve been miserable. I’ve been popping a lot of pain pills. Its not like I’m Courtney Love or anything. Its just that it feels like I have a white hot sword impaling my ass. So sitting on a metal chair all day wasn’t exactly fun.
The morning was pretty slow business-wise. Lots of “oh, those are cool” (the collages). And then I’d go all Charlemagne and say, “Well, wouldn’t they look nice in your cubical!” or “My, what a nice gift for Christmas!” Not much was happening. I was feeling a little discouraged. I thought the person who made me history at this place was winning.
Finally in the last hour or so of the show, people finally started putting their hands on their wallets and checkbooks. My first sale was to a woman who insisted on writing me a check for $30 for a $10 collage because according to her I was “underselling myself”.
Oh my god…30 years of therapy…and that’s all it was…I’m underselling myself….I’m cured “A”!!!
I thought that was really nice of her and thanked her profusely. I then sold two more collages, as well as a some tiny hand painted glass vases that Married Guy had given me years ago. I was selling them for a dollar each. Anyways, I ended up selling about $70 worth of goodies. Was I happy? Does Richard Simmons love fucking rhinestones?
So with my spoils this morning, I took my mom out to breakfast. And for some reason, she is totally in love with all my collages. Hearing my mother compliment my art is like……………strange?!!? I grew up with her constantly criticizing about 97% of everything I ever did. And now she coming over to my apartment and proclaiming her profuse love for my art. She even asked me for collage lessons today after breakfast. So I had her come up to my apartment. Naturally there was 300 pounds of Guardcat fur everywhere. But I cleared off a table and taught her how to free her inner artist…and not necessarily make everything straight and perfect like she wanted to initially. I even went to Joann’s afterwards and helped her find supplies so she can make her own collages for gifts at home.
So my work is done. Now if only Johnny Depp would come over and massage my ass.
…with his tongue….I would be happy. Or at least drug free for a few hours.