when your brain takes a vacation but you’re still home with the cat

In case you’ve been wondering why I’ve only been writing about every 8-9 days, like I know you totally have since I’m so important in your life,  there are several reasons.

  1. I literally have nothing more stimulating going on other then my usual bitching about yuppies talking on cell phones after nearly hitting me with their hummus powered Al Gore cars.
  2. I am in so much severe pain from sciatic nerve problems I can barely move and how funny and amusing is that? and…
  3.  I’ve been taking mind altering medications (pain pills and depression medicine) that have totally erased my sense of humor. Sure I have my one can’t miss joke I use in the elevator at the mental health place. Inevitably somebody will get in and push the UP button when I’m going down and they’ll immediately start apologizing for making me go an extra floor and I’ll say…you’ll love this…”That’s okay. I’m bipolar. I’m used to going up and down!!” Ha ha ha. I mean that joke totally kills in an elevator!! I mean people will be gasping for air and falling against the wall laughing and I’ll be standing there rolling my eyes.


Anyways, other than that, the depression medicine I started using about a month ago has made me into a Stepford Wife, except for the boob part, which sadly, has remained the same.

But one strange thing HAS happened. My art ability has suddenly improved like 300% and I’ve been extremely productive, making 11 collages in one week for an art show I had this last Friday. I’ve also been framing things that had formerly just been laying in heaps around my apartment. I’ve been promoting myself. I’ve been making poster for my art show next summer. And I’m like WTF??? This is weird. Because have I ever mentioned my middle name is Apathy?

The drawing thing is the weirdest though. Yes, I’m a pretty good artist. meh. I’m more of a “make it really colorful so maybe people won’t notice that I can’t really draw” kind of person. But in the last month or so, my drawing has improved dramatically, and its really spooky. Is it the depression medicine? Or am I just finally “getting it”?

So I did have another art show on Friday. Unlike the previous two, this was a more commercial –less people walking around with a paperclip impaling their eyelid one. It was at my former place of employment and it was an all-day event and I was hell-bent on making money off those bastards there since there is a long, long story about that place which I have never revealed. Just some bad blood. Not with my former job. Just with some stuff which has happened since. And it makes me really sad. I mean REALLY SAD!! Because that place had been really good to me, but since I’m a bigger person than the person who is responsible for my unhappiness, I’ll just leave it at that, mmm’kay?

But before I dive into Friday, I did have fun at our yearly Halloween event at my art class Wednesday night. We had way more people than usual and Sci-Fi Guy brought in his vast awesome collection of strange and weird Halloweenian music. He also brought in about 1.6 trillion donuts and I think I might have partook of one or three.

Our Fearless Art Leader also made a brief appearance and brought in Zartak, a fortune teller in a glass case whose eyes lit up and who’d say things like “Do you really think your plans would work out?” and then break out in maniacal laughter. I guess it really wasn’t that good of an idea to ask him the question that I did. What was it?  Well, I had had a job interview that day at Joann’s the arts and crafts store (yeah! They finally called. I was shocked!!) and the zombie fortune teller just laughed manically when I asked if I was going to get hired. I think I might have laughed too actually, because even though the interview went pretty well, there was one monumental stumbling block. I was interviewing for a framer position but I have no math ability whatsoever. I’m a total math retard and I felt that it was important to fess up, since the job uses a lot of math in the measuring of framework and how stressful would it be standing there and not knowing how big 1/16″ of an inch is? So I asked the woman if there was any way around it, like could I do everything else in the department but measuring and she said no. So I’m not holding my breath on that one.


But our Halloween celebration in our class was a lot of fun. We had our twice a year group photo. I was wearing my jewel-encrusted tiara of course. See how good I would have been in the framing department? Hey lady wearing the tiara!  Will you help me please?

I also adopted this really fugly evil rubber rat for the night. It was  prop for the model, but it was nice and soft and I was holding it up to my face and hugging on it (witty needs a date) and the Professional Artist Guy suggested that I call it Cuddles. All, in all a lot of fun, like it always is.

Anyways, on Friday I did bring a bunch of my collages and two paintings to my old job for the art show there. At first they put me in the furthest corner on the fourth floor (translation: We’re giving you the crappiest spot with the lowest traffic possible.) I was disappointed, but I just set up my stuff. My old work buddy “J” and his sidekick “J” came up and looked puzzled. “Why are you up here?” Me: “I don’t know”  They said, “No, you’re coming downstairs.” So they helped me pack up and I went down to the more desirable third floor and I got to sit next to the 35 year old woman dressed in a Superman outfit who talked to her doll Jessie and would ask him to watch her booth when she went to the bathroom. 

Hey! At least there was entertainment!

I was pleasant to everyone. And the Oscar goes to… I mainly say that because I was in so much pain. My sciatic nerve pain has been so severe in the last week, I’ve barely been able to move. I’ve done everything. Hot baths. Ice. My vibrating mattress. (Shut up!). I even had a session with the Aqua Massage machine down at the mall. I’ve been miserable. I’ve been popping a lot of pain pills. Its not like I’m Courtney Love or anything. Its just that it feels like I have a white hot sword impaling my ass.  So sitting on a metal chair all day wasn’t exactly fun.

The morning was pretty slow business-wise. Lots of “oh, those are cool” (the collages). And then I’d go all Charlemagne and say, “Well, wouldn’t they look nice in your cubical!” or “My, what a nice gift for Christmas!” Not much was happening. I was feeling a little discouraged. I thought the person who made me history at this place was winning.

Finally in the last hour or so of the show, people finally started putting their hands on their wallets and checkbooks. My first sale was to a woman who insisted on writing me a check for $30 for a $10 collage because according to her I was “underselling myself”.

Oh my god…30 years of therapy…and that’s all it was…I’m underselling myself….I’m cured “A”!!!

I thought that was really nice of her and thanked her profusely. I then sold two more collages, as well as a some tiny hand painted glass vases that Married Guy had given me years ago. I was selling them for a dollar each. Anyways, I ended up selling about $70 worth of goodies. Was I happy? Does Richard Simmons love fucking rhinestones?

So with my spoils this morning, I took my mom out to breakfast. And for some reason, she is totally in love with all my collages. Hearing my mother compliment my art is like……………strange?!!? I grew up with her constantly criticizing about 97% of everything I ever did. And now she coming over to my apartment and proclaiming her profuse love for my art. She even asked me for collage lessons today after breakfast.  So I had her come up to my apartment. Naturally there was 300 pounds of Guardcat fur everywhere. But I cleared off a table and taught her how to free her inner artist…and not necessarily make everything straight and perfect like she wanted to initially. I even went to Joann’s afterwards and helped her find supplies so she can make her own collages for gifts at home.

So my work is done. Now if only Johnny Depp would come over and massage my ass.

…with his tongue….I would be happy.  Or at least drug free for a few hours.


16 Responses to “when your brain takes a vacation but you’re still home with the cat”

  1. Joe Says:

    Paging Johnny Depp!

  2. artgnome Says:

    I’m glad to hear that you are feeling better in the art department and are out there promoting yourself. The lady is right, $10 is too cheap, at LEAST $25, ok?

    For my sciatica, nothing works like walking it off. I know everyone is different with this, but when I take a gentle but long walk, mine dissipates. I hope it gets better for you soon.

    And keep doing your marvelous unique only to you art! 🙂

  3. Anna Says:

    So glad to hear you’re selling some art. Lucky people, getting it so cheap. A friend of mine had sciatica really really badly. He tried everything and reflexology cured it. Not made it a bit less excruciating, but just got rid of it completely. xx

  4. xat Says:

    Massive congratulations on the sale of your work. And I agree, $10 is entirely too cheap for your work.

    So sorry about your sciatica. I hope that it dissipates soon.

    Yay for your mom seeing the light. That’s so important that she is enthusiastic about your work. Betcha it feels pretty good too.

    Keep up the good work with your art. Thank you, too, for the supportive thoughts. It really means a lot to me.

  5. Poolie Says:

    Charge bunches of money!

  6. scotvalkyrie Says:

    I also agree that you undersell your art. I know it’s hard to put a monetary amount on art, but I had to do the same thing for a long time when I was doing scenery. I tried to work out how many hours something would take me and charge $10 an hour, because that’s a good square number. If your collages only take 1.5 hours, then charge a minimum of $25. That’s fair, I think. Or charge $10 per square foot. I’m SERIOUS!

  7. LA Says:

    Johnny Depp IS a drug. Hope you feel better fast, hon. ~LA

  8. Stepfordtart Says:

    Are you taking anti-inflammatories for the sciatica, too? I seem to remember big handfuls of Brufen when I had it. Hope it feels better soon. s x PS $10 is waaaaay to little. That barely buys a greetings card here!

  9. freshhell Says:

    May I introduce you to my chiropractor and massage therapist? They are not Johnny Depp (who, by the way, is already engaged to ME), but they do a damn good job of removing pain. Also, I’ve found that (coming from a family of artists) a lot of the pricing in art takes into account the psychological factor. If you price things higher, people think they must be so much more fabulous than if you price them too low. If the painting can be had for $25 or $500 – for some kinds of people (the ones who buy art) the $500 price tag makes them feel like they’re buying REAL art and they need to snatch it up before you become the next Hopper. If it’s only $25, they may feel it’s only worth that…and they’ll walk away. Weird but I’ve seen it happen.

  10. geekbetty Says:

    I got something I’d like Johnny Depp’s tongue to massage……….

  11. awittykitty Says:

    You are right about the pricing Freshhell. My best friend lives in Manhattan and that’s how it works down there. He has a $15,000 painting in his living room from an up and coming artist and a small piece from another very famous artist in his hallway (price unknown, but probably hefty). But in a small market here, people are frightened by large prices. Frankly I was shocked I sold my other painting for $100. I purposely priced my collages low because of where I was selling. I KNEW I’d sell some. It did give me a little boost of confidence though. As my work improves, yes, the prices will go up accordingly. And BTW, Johnny Depp must be one of those Mormons, since he’s already married to me and HissandTell and BlueMeany too. what a bastard! 🙂

  12. Seacreature Says:

    Aha! So you are PRODUCING now, eh? WUNNNDerful, dear. I’ve actually had the same reaction to my meds. The doctor upped them a few months ago and I’ve been drawing so much more since. I’ve even put some up on my page! (hint, hint). Hehehe…that and the fact that I’m finally living in a nice place with room for a table. A table! Imagine that! Haven’t had one for almost 8 years!
    I’m so sorry your sciatic is being a bitch again. Great that you took the ‘grin and bear it’ attitude at the show. I’m so glad to see you’re still feeling inspired, even though things continue to ‘be’. It’s the attitude, man…keep it up! Yea, yea…hang in there and all that crap. You know the drill!

  13. Violet Says:

    Sciatica, be damned! [whooosh! of magical fairy wand….]

    And, giant congratulations on your art successes.


  14. GoingLoopy Says:

    Have you thought about selling on Ebay? My BFRB bought some very cool artwork from some up-and-coming artists. It was inexpensive, but not $10 inexpensive – and the artists put in little thank-you cards telling something about the piece. It was cool to get personal touches. You might check it out – just do a search or two – and see what’s available and sort of set prices from there. It’s so cool, though, that you’re getting some more positive feedback from your art, and that you’re feeling good about it too. Yay!

    And I LOVE those water massage things….sadly, the mall here got rid of theirs. I could see why it might not help for something more serious, though. Hopefully you’ll find something that works so you can feel better.

  15. Queen of the Winter Carnival Says:

    I think my favorite thing about the chicken hat kitty picture is his expression. He’s just so miserable and sad, and he has this look of betrayal in his little kitty eyes. Is it wrong that I can’t stop laughing every time I see his misery? Heh. Poor Mr. Benjamin.

  16. xatczik Says:

    Thank you so much for your kind words–trite as that may sound, but I really freakin’ mean it.

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