the sad almost-demise of one of the Jennifers

I have an interesting quandary. First of all, you know that I am poor. And if you don’t, you sure haven’t been paying attention. But the funny thing is, I live in an Uber Yuppie suburb. And I mean Uber-Yuppie. I mean, you can’t throw a bottle of Perrier without hitting a “Jennifer” (my generic term for all rich, spoiled trophy wives/teen girls who wear expensive clothes and tan too much and get highlights done in their hair every three weeks and chat on their iPhones while driving wildly expensive SUVs waiting for their manicures to dry.

I mean its okay if your name is Jennifer. Its not your fault. Its just the random name I’ve picked because its the name I hear most often in stores around here. “Oh Jenniferrrrrr, look at this adorrrrable skirt. Oh wait, I think Rick is texting me from the Beamer.” Well, you get the idea.

So its true, I do have a sort of love/hate relationship with them. I mean I would love to be one of “them” if they would let me in their club, but I would really have to tone down my snark factor since I don’t really know if rich people grasp irony. Do they?

Like the other day I was walking down the main street of the Village during rush hour watching traffic coming up the hill softly whispering, “SUV, SUV, Beamer, SUV, SUV, Hummer, SUV, SUV, Jag, SUV, SUV…. Pontiac sedan?? Must be a nanny coming to work.”

Anyways, suddenly, at that precise moment, the penultimate cute 40 something nerdy-geek looking, I own my own company and I would love to indulge your foot fetish- witty guy came walking up behind me and scared the living be-Jesus out of me, you know, since I was actually saying all of this stuff aloud. I also nearly dropped my camera since I had momentarily stopped to take some pictures of a sunset. Didn’t he see our potential? 

Me artistic and angsty. Him rich and able to pay my ever-mounting shrink bills.

Doubtful, since he was soon too busy looking at his iPhone and/or taking his pulse with a $3000 pulse dectector thingie from Apple Computers or whatever the hell he was doing, since he quickly disappeared. Drat. Lost another one to technology!

I’ve really been noticing lately that its really all about toys with these people. I get so tired of hearing all these strange beeps and boops and vibrating noises coming out of their butts pockets. People are so tied up in their tiny little electronic slave units, that they aren’t even aware of their surroundings and I believe this has robbed them of their common sense. Take Exhibit #A:


Now why would you need a sign on a bathroom door that says “Exit”? This is a recent addition to the yuppie grocery store bathroom where I used to work. Granted its all very confusing. A 15X20 room with 5 stalls and one exit door. Now where did I come in?

Although I could see a Jennifer getting confused. She’s coming out of the stall. Her cell phone rings.

“Hi Jennifer, its Jennifer! I’m like totally just coming out of the bathroom and I have to wash my hands, but I’m like totally spacing on where the sinks are. Wait, let me call Jennifer 3. I know she’s been here before.  *Click*. Jen? This is Jennifer. I’m at Wegs. I’m like totally lost. I like totally just came out of the bathroom stall but I can’t find the sinks. Yeah, ha ha, I feel like a total noob.  What? Walk straight ahead 7 steps. No way. I mean, no way. I totally love you, Jen. I’ll see you out in the cafe in five minutes. *Click*.

One, two, three, four (cell phone rings).

“Hello? I’m just on my way to the…wait, I’m getting another call from Jennifer 6. Hello? *click* Jen? Hi. I have Jen on the other line. I’m just walking to the sink. What? Yeah, I can do a conference call. That would be like totally cool. Ha ha ha! Wait a minute. *click* Can you hear me? I totally love all you guys. I’m almost to the sink. Wait a minute. OMG, some lady is pooping and it totally  sounds like she’s having sex with Conan O’Brien. (Laughter) Oh wait, my Dad is calling. My Hummer is in the shop again. I like totally ran over a shopping cart at Target. Wait a minute. *click* Hi Daddy! Is Chopak ready? Oh good! Wait, I think getting a text message from Rick. I’ll catch you later at pilates. *click*

Suddenly an older artsy hippie chick with shoulder length dark hair comes out of the bathroom and washes her hands, and glares at her because she heard the comment and slams the door, knocking down the Exit sign.

Jennifer looks over and says “What a bitch” but finally gets to the sink and washes her hands and reapplies her make up, taking a picture with her iPhone and sending it to her boyfriend. She even flashes a tit. And starts laughing with the other Jennifers who are still on a conference call mode.

But then something really startling happens. When she goes to pick up her iPhone…with her slightly damp hand, it goes flying and slams into the tiled wall and shatters onto the floor where she tries to pick up the pieces.

OMG!! And then she really screams “O.M.G!!!” No cell phone!” She looks around wildly. Suddenly nothing looks familiar. She vaguely remembers that there’s a toilet somewhere in the area. And a sink. But where’s the door? Where’s the fucking door? She looks frantically. She like totally wishes she had her iPhone so she could call one of the Jennifers and get help. Or even call 411. She gets up off the floor and looks around. The green tile walls are starting to close in on her. There is that square red thing with hinges. But no, that’s probably a trick like in Sims.

By then even her hair is getting messy.

She wonders why none of the Jennifers are coming to look for her. Are they cheating with her boyfriend Rick? That is like so totally possible, those bitches. She is so gonna trash them on MySpace if she ever gets rescued.

And then suddenly that big red thing with hinges opens and Freaky Eyebrows, my neighbor who does maintenance at the store comes in and notices that the exit sign has fallen off the door and puts it back up and starts to clean the bathroom. Jennifer looks up…


Oh, so NOW I see why they need those in the ladies room at the Yuppie Grocery store. Thanks Jennifer. And yes, Rick was quite enchanted by the older yet technologically unemcumbered  artsy hippie chick. 🙂


14 Responses to “the sad almost-demise of one of the Jennifers”

  1. Anne Says:

    Thank god for Jennifer’s…or I wouldn’t know how to thank you for the grins!!!

  2. Seacreature Says:

    I so very much LOVE your entries like this one… I can’t agree more with your sentiment. People who have the wrong priorities drive me crazy. My favorite illustration of this? I’m at the laundromat and here comes dumb bitch in her Mercedes SUV. Uh-huh…congratulations, great monster. So much like everyone elses fucking gas guzzling banes to socieity. Now go out and get a WASHING MACHINE you shithead!

  3. hil Says:

    hahahahahahahahaaahahahahahahaahaha….ohmygod, I can’t breathe….hahahahahahaaahahahahahhhahahahahaha!

  4. artgnome Says:

    Hah! totally ditto on hil, Hah!
    you are awesome.

  5. scotvalkyrie Says:

    ha ha ha ha ha ha … oh, thank heavens my cousin Jennifer was born before me, otheriwse I would have been named Jennifer and I don’t think I would have been able to escape the vortex of Jennifer Suck!

  6. betty Says:

    I call them “preppys” but same thing. Ani’s school is crawling with them. Seriously you have never seen so many birght grilled SUV’s as there are picking up kids after school.
    Don’t get me wrong. I have an SUv (a smallish one) and a cell phone. Paid for by my dad. I’m insanely poor.
    And I just plain don’t fit in with them.

  7. LA Says:

    Dork implants are all the rage here. “I am so very important I must have a phone surgically attached to my head!” So Witty, you want to not get strange looks for talking to yourself? Stick a gizmo in your ear and you can totally get away with talking aloud all you want to. Far from being seen as a nutjob, people will be sooooo impressed they’ll invite you out for lattes and fat-free scones! ~LA

  8. shaded-lily Says:

    😀 Witty, that was totally hilarious. Like, totally.

  9. Seacreature Says:

    HAHAHAHA @ LA! Yea, Witty! Just go out and get a gizmo! Then you can talk to yourself aaaalll you want…ANYWHERE!

  10. Jennifer Says:

    I, like, totally, can’t help it. Its just like totally how I was made. Apart from the silicon. And the botox. And the highlights. They were put in after. Totally. x

  11. warcrygirl Says:

    HAHAHA!!! *singing* I’m a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world! Life in plastic, it’s fantastic!

  12. Sandy from Iowa Says:

    You made my DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  13. GoingLoopy Says:

    LA is right. Buy one of those earpiece things, and you have instant cred. Just throw in an “ok, gotta go, bye!” once in a while, and you’re set! 🙂

    I used to know a lot of Jennifers – I think it’s down to one at work now, and she’s a good Jennifer. There were three at my last job, and at least 20 in my high school graduating class.

    And this: “Wait a minute. OMG, some lady is pooping and it totally sounds like she’s having sex with Conan O’Brien.” is funny as hell.

  14. Queen of the Winter Carnival Says:

    Oddly enough, the cats are pretty okay with Ted. The first night was a festival of hissing, yowling, and ear-splitting shrieks, but 24 hours later they couldn’t care less. It helps that Ted doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of them and leaves them alone. I think it also helps that they think Ted’s food is deeeeeee-licious, and they’ve been stealing it at every opportunity. Poor sucker Ted just pants and wags his tail and watches them do it, which is just plain wrong because HE’S the one who needs to gain weight, not the tubbinses. On the other hand, if it keeps them from screeching every time he walks by, I guess a couple of stolen pieces of dog food is worth it. Ahhh, pets…why do I have them again? Le sigh.

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