In need of either a jumpstart or a hug

Wednesday night when I was driving to my art class, I was sitting behind a Mercedes at a stop light and it had a bumpersticker that said: “I was already Born Once. I don’t need to be Born Again.” I got a good little chuckle out of that, especially seeing a bumpersticker slapped on a brand new Mercedes. Its not like this is Texas or anything.

It was another night of pre-art class stress since Charlemagne was late for like the 1.6 millionth time. I didn’t even know he was hosting, since we were supposed to have a very rare man/woman posing naked together thingie and the guy modeling is someone who Charlemagne has issues with. Why? Because he likes to walk around with his naughty bits flying asunder during the break and we’re both actually concerned that some night his wenis might possibly strafe the hummus dip by accident somehow and then what??

But the twosome wasn’t to be. Instead we had my least favorite model. The Nazi. Herr Freilein. And the poses she does at the beginning….well, fans of anus art would certainly be jumping in joy, since they mostly involve bending over for all to see…you know, the deep, dark recesses of Freilein. I usually have to turn away. They’re just too horrifying. Its like looking into the Grand Canyon, except it ain’t grand.

So I was sitting next to Charlemagne. And as usual, during Anus-a-rama, I started drawing her with scales and horns and beaks and lightening bolts coming out of her fingertips. I have to do something to avoid the Black Hole of Calcutta. So then I drew 2 dogs at her feet. Charlemagne looked over at me perplexed. Yup, two space dogs…you heard me. Space dogs. A boy and a girl who were wearing astronaut gear, I guess in honor of the NASA space flight. The girl’s space hat was all lit up with a cartoon bubble over her head which read “Boooinggggg”, I guess since she was looking over at the uber cool male dog, who was short and fat and looked totally uninterested. Must have been my delayed reaction to computer dating.

I did talk to “A” on Tuesday about everything. At one point I looked over at him while he was talking and he was bouncing up and down on his chair, with his arms flapping, nearly airborne. Why? He was trying to persuade me to JUST get biblical with someone so I’d loosen up.

Just so you know, I never take those suggestions seriously, nor does he. He’s just throwing it out there.

But then after the flapping of arms, which, yes, nearly launched his laptap into orbit, he spoke THOSE words…the most frightening words in “A”s vernacular…

“I might have someone for you to meet….”


Because thus far, through surreptitious means (since he’s my shrink and shouldn’t be getting me dates)  he’s delivered the Nanny Guy, who stripped totally naked in front of me while I was cooking macaroni and cheese for his kids. Harold the Geek who, though nice, was the 2006 version of Norman Bates.  And then Handyman, who was a totally clueless dork.

Anyways, I did answer one last ad on Plentyofishies, but he hasn’t answered back and I don’t expect him to either, since I told him I wasn’t trying too hard to date anymore since it was too stressful. He was the guy who said he liked to “visualize whirled peas” And I was sitting there going “visualize whirled peas. Now that’s kinda funky.”  And then it wasn’t until a full day later, when I was randomly getting into my car that it suddenly dawned on me: “Visualize World Peace”. VISUALIZE WORLD PEACE, you dummy! arghhh! And I’m a Democrat too!

So I’ve decided to temporarily put dating on hold, once again. Why? Because I decided I don’t need a bunch of guys telling me what’s wrong with me. I can just call my mom for that.

Instead, I’ve decided to haltingly pursue my so-called art career. I am very impoverished at the moment.  Shortly I will be kissing the funding for my art classes goodbye and since I live very hand to mouth, my classes may end. But since they are my only social life, I can’t lose them…

I just can’t, so….

 I’ve been trying to put together an @rt ment0ring program where I used to work. I had hoped they would fund the art supplies for the group, but no. I have to pay for them myself.  Heh! Pretty funny for someone who has to go to a food pantry to make it through the month,  to go out and have to buy art supplies for a program that may or may not fly. I mean there has been some interest in it, but interest and cold hard cash are two different things. And groups, even fun ones, are notoriously hard to start at my former place of employment.

So I’ve also been attempting to pimp out my art. The place where I currently have one of my paintings hanging is looking for art for another art show in the Fall. JS from my art class had talked to the shop owner earlier in the month and then I stupidly went in there blindly last Thursday and she wasn’t there. Then I called her 4 times Friday, but she never called back, so I feel like I’m getting blown off.

And we’re not even dating!

Of course, I’m not even really ready for an art show anyways. I mean framing a bunch of work that may or may not EVEN be seen by human eyes.  WTF? But it seems that the art karma gods may have been watching out for me Wednesday night, since I was talking to someone I know who owns a framing shop and she’s like “Oh, people bring stuff in to be framed and they leave their old frames and I just give them away to people and students from the university.  

ding ding ding ding!!

So I casually mentioned (okay, I’m networking. I’m starting to learn this from Charlemagne, who is a supreme networker) that I usually go to thrift stores to buy my frames and she’s like “Gee, just come over tomorrow and I’ll give you some!” So I did and they were all brand new frames. Two silver ones, 4 gold ones and a black one with white matting. YAY!

So I’m taking this as a sign that maybe its time to try and do something with my artwork. I haven’t painted anything since I got back from New York City. You would have thought I would have been totally inspired by the museums I went to and all, but I was actually intimidated, like I’ll never be that good. But I did just draw a Koi goldfish on a canvas and will probably work on it this week.

I even got rid of my old computer over the weekend, so I actually have a table to paint on. Can you believe it?? Table space? In my apartment??? Guardcat keeps trying to claim it as a new place to sleep and/or wash her butt on, but forget it fuzzbrain, its mine, mine, MINE!!!


11 Responses to “In need of either a jumpstart or a hug”

  1. stepfordtart Says:

    Butthole art, flapping wenises dipped in hummus and whirled peas. Let me know when I can stop laughing my stupid head off willya?! s x

  2. stepfordtart Says:

    Oh! I forgot! (((((hug)))). s x

  3. sebgonz Says:

    Wow. I sorta just stumbled upon this blog, and I’m instantly hooked. 😀 Keep them coming.

  4. betty Says:

    hey, witty, I have some questions about a mutual affliction of ours. would you drop me a line in my email? thanks.
    and (((HUGS)))

  5. artgnome Says:

    You know, it’s amazing how people will not buy art on canvas, but will spend buck after buck buying painted rocks, driftwood, windows, juice can lids, etc. You may find a venue like this to help fund your drive for more serious art. I hope your luck changes soon, in the art and man departments, respectively.

  6. warcrygirl Says:

    OMG, I so totally want to see that painting! Anus in Spaaaaaaaace!!!!!!

  7. Poolie Says:

    YES! Pictures please! Don’t be a tease!

  8. shaded-lily Says:

    I really want to see the Space Dogs picture, too! Please?

  9. GoingLoopy Says:


    And don’t give up on dating. Just try to think of it more as “continuous blog fodder” rather than actually trying to like people. That way, if you DO like them, it’s a bonus.

    I know what you mean about seeing beautiful art and then feeling all insecure…I don’t paint, but sometimes reading really excellent literature or even really good blog entries makes my Inner Skeptic rant and rave. That said, I do like your artwork, and you should post some anus space dog demon chick pictures…. 🙂

  10. Ben Says:

    I decided I wanted to be born again, but my mother wouldn’t co-operate.

  11. Seacreature Says:

    “Vizualize Whirled Peas” was on a billboard here in L.A. about six or seven years ago. Picture of a baby sittin’ at a high chair, peas all over his/her Gerber face… I had what I’m sure was the desired reaction as well, “HUH?! OH…well isn’t that clever…*snerk*”

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