internet dating karma

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I finally did it! I broke my own record!! Blown off by not one, but TWO men in a single week. Yay me!

Me doing the Happy Snoopy Dance with a few pelvic thrusts thrown in just to show that I’ve still got “IT”…whatever IT is. The IT that apparently isn’t visible to the naked eye. Or to men. Or to anyone. Is this mic on? Can anyone see me?  I know I’m here, because I ran out of toilet paper this morning and said I better go get some, and somebody did buy some so I must exist.

I know NerdBob on Plentyoffishies (an online dating service) saw me. He was all excited, but he looked like a child molester, so I passed.  SnertzfartheadfromWinkerpool saw me too, but he smoked and liked killing deer, so I passed.

But then I saw HIM. The one I wanted. He wrote a real ad. Not one of those lame “I wnt 2 meet U and we can maybee gofer a long roamantic walk.”

His had substance. His had passion. His had…WORDS SPELLED RIGHT!! I was like totally in love. And he even wrote back. Woo! And asked me out. Double woo! And since I’m such a fucking genius on the internet (remember that now) when he sent me his pictures, I was able to secretly discern his business website because I was like Tom fucking Cruise in “Mission Impossible: The Scientology Edition”.

Clickety Clack Clack. I mean smoke was rising right out of those keys. Within seconds I had his name, address, phone number, fax number, which side he parted his hair on. (Heh! I’m just kidding on that part) And then I jumped over to Mapquest and typed my address and his address and we were only a mere 1.5 miles apart.

Oh come on, you know you would have done the same thing. And then I did the unthinkable. Well, you know what’s coming next. I got into my old rusted out clunker and drove rather furtively over to his nearby street. Unfortunately since I’m not actually on “Mission Impossible”, meaning I’m not that bright once I step away from my computer, I forgot to write down his street number, so I just drove around his neighborhood and I’m fairly certain my car was recorded by every single security camera along *** Lane that day.

And yet even with that transgression, he still dropped me  another note the night before we met. Just a “wow what a hard day at the stock market. I’m really looking forward to meeting you” note.

The day finally came. I was nervous, but I dressed the best I could on pauperhood.  Did the make-up, the hair, nail polish. Took the “chill pill” “A” mentioned (thank you clonopin). I didn’t want to babble or be too scared to talk.  And then I went over to the pizza place which according to Mapquest was 1 mile from my house and 2.5 miles from his house. That was really the total investment on his part. Driving 2.5 miles and buying me a slice of pizza. Remember that now. It may or may not be important to the story.

Anyhoo, so we met. He was like way cuter in person than his pictures. How often does that happen? Nicely dressed (hey, he’s a yuppie!). Terrific smile. Curly hair which made me go all goose-bumpy, since I love curls. And he had been playing up that he was stodgy since he was a stockbroker, but I sure didn’t see any of that. Quite the opposite actually. He was very down to earth and bright and funny.

So we had lunch. And talked. And laughed. I was pretty comfortable…for me. Ms. Angst Central 2007. And I was very very very very well behaved. No putting myself down. No badmouthing previous dates or men. And the conversation was very give and talk rather than one-sided like it had always been with Handyman. The Village Guy was very attentive when I talked and pretty much had a smile on his face the entire time we were together.

Was I happy about that? Totally. Did I think the tides were finally turning on my previously crappy love life? Absolutely. Did I think we were going to go out again? You bet’cha!!!

So we were together for an hour and a half and it totally flew by. I mean flew. Even he said that. No slow spots in the conversation or anything. He finally said he had to get back to his home office. The stock market, of course, had been really horrible the previous day and who knows what it was doing that day. Well, he probably did, but he never let on if anything was bothering him and I really liked that about him. I have contact with a lot of negative people, so it was really refreshing interacting with a person who looked at the bright side of things.

So we parted ways out in the parking lot and I’m fairly certain I heard the phrase “I’d like to see you again” which made my heart sing, because WHEN do I ever hear that? I mean, when Guardcat? I felt like I won the lottery.

When I got home Zue had already e-mailed me wondering about the date, but I actually had a splitting headache, despite all the festivities, so I took a nap. And then she called about 4:30. She is an Aries after all. They don’t like being ignored, so I told her how well it went. I told her I was writing him a thank you note and she’s all “NOOOOOOO! Don’t do that! He’ll think you’re needy!!!!!”

Huh? I did it anyways. I just said thank you and that I had enjoyed the afternoon and hoped we could take that walk we had talked about. Nothing pressing.

So I waited for a reply, since I didn’t have anything better to do. Waited. Waited. Waited. Friday. Saturday. Sunday.  Finally late Sunday night I got a very lengthy letter from him. On the surface it seemed very kind and compassionate. But man, underneath…what a total crock of shit.  

Evidently he wasn’t sure if he was ready for a long term relationship (which he asked for in his personal ad) because he was very very busy with his career and even though he only had his kids part time, sometimes they needed him full time and even more. And then he said he was also very confused.

Me too!!

And then he started talking about Eros, which of course, is the Greek God of Love, lust and intercourse…or if you’re him, I think he meant internet dating nookie. He said he wanted to recapture the “sizzle” he had had in his 20’s.

Don’t you HIRE people to do  that?

So I think that was really just code for “I’m not attracted to you physically” which I have gotten so many times, I can now officially list it in my resume.  I think what it actually boils down to was that I’m not some deeply tanned botoxed bleached blonde hoochie mama who would “do him” out in his car after a slice of pizza.

That’s just me. Ms. Not Giving it Up for a Two Dollar Slice of Pizza.  Sorry. True, I may be hypocritical to the guys who look like retards in their personal ads and can’t spell so I reject them before I meet them, but at least I don’t go out and meet someone, talk to them for an hour and a half and then write some “noble” letter about, well, maybe I shouldn’t be persuing this relationship because I should be at home with the kids.

Dude, you’re out on the internet, trolling for women. Don’t hide behind your kids. That’s so fucking cowardly. 

My initial reaction to his letter was to send him a note and say, “So, I guess you’ll be pulling your personal  ad, since you’re so busy and all.” And then my evil bipolar twin wanted to send him one of my naughty nude pictures (yes, I have several) and say, “So, how do you think Eros would like this piece of sizzle?”

But I know I’ll be seeing this guy around the neighborhood and over at the store and the YMCA, so I slowly retracted my evil girl claws and just decided that I’d let him find his little perfectly coifed, yet kinda dumb…yet kinda shrewd future wife, who will wipe out his bank account with extensive shopping and send his kids into therapy with her narcissistic personality, and that will be MY reward somewhere down the road….

Internet Dating Karma.

p.s. I still liked him though. 😦


20 Responses to “internet dating karma”

  1. Smed Says:

    Well, that’s suckage. And take it from me, the sizzle he had in his 20’s is long gone, especially if he’s taking certain drugs. Though there are other drugs that can help that – but still.

  2. scotvalkyrie Says:

    I’d write him a note telling him on which streetcorner in town he can buy his nookie.


  3. Jennifer (ariawoman) Says:

    Every man pulls out with that same bullshit line. If I had a dollar every time my best friend (who dates, whereas I just read about other people dating lol) heard that line, I’d not be going to work tomorrow.

    If you’re not looking for a fucking relationship then WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON A DATING SITE.

    I swear. We are supposed to want to attach ourselves to one of these morons why?

    Yeah, I’m a bitter 33 year old.

  4. LA Says:

    Phooey, a freakin horny coward. After all the angst you spent on him! But you, my wise chickie-boo, have his number. He IS trolling for a quick lay. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Chin up, dearheart. You can chill knowing that you did everything right, you just got zapped with a dud. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT spend one moment beating yourself up or second guessing yourself. Maybe we can hook Village Guy up with that jerk I got hit with, Harold the Randy Old Goat and they can ‘sizzle’ each other. ~LA

  5. Joe Says:

    And worst of all you wasted Febreze on perfectly good, dead hamsters. Sorry it didn’t work out better for you.

  6. artgnome Says:

    The last guy I talked to on the internet (youknowwhatspace) pulled the same thing after the first PHONE CALL. They are just pathetic and not worth our time, witty. They don’t know what they want, and they drag every woman they know through their shit.

    I have found that focusing on myself, my son and my career is far more rewarding than wasting my time on single men my age. They all want a porn induced fantasy, not reality and it’s why they are single. All the great men I know, like Smed (heh) are married. I know there might be some guy out there somewhere that can handle crazy me, but I know I won’t find him on the net. I won’t find him by looking for him. I want him to look for me.

    I know it’s hard, easier said than done, but for me, it’s better than being jerked around and hurt by men with the maturity of mold. You deserve better than that, witty girl. It is their issue, NOT yours.

  7. shaded-lily Says:

    I’m sorry it didn’t work out, witty. 😦 All the more disappointing because he seemed so nice on the surface. But he’s either very confused about what he wants, or doesn’t have the balls to come out and SAY what he wants. And he’ll probably still be chasing that “sizzle” when all his curly hair has fallen out and he’s riding a Rascal to the pizza place, if he can still afford pizza after all those hoochies have taken his money. You maintained your dignity and if you see him around the Village you can pretend you’ve completely forgotten him, and really, I hope you don’t have to PRETEND! 🙂

  8. crankygirl Says:

    I so agree with this entry. So many times I’ve wanted to say to some dude…”Find a prostitute.” Pay a fair rate. Stop being a sleazy fuck.

    I’m sorry. They suck.

  9. GoingLoopy Says:

    Grrr. But at least he actually sent you a note blowing you off, rather than just ignoring your e-mails. That’s usually my track record with the “date was pretty good, let’s hang out again” vibe.

    Keep looking, chicklet. If nothing else, online dating = wonderful blog fodder. Plus, writing about how lame they are…and hearing all your readers chime in with their horror stories… makes you realize that you’re not alone, you’re really an attractive, intelligent, worthy person, and that a lot of boys are just flat too stupid to know a good thing when they see one.

  10. betty Says:

    boooo.. his loss. what a weiner.

  11. krylisse Says:

    Eww what a sleazy wanker. I hope he gets some disease banging the street corner whore.

  12. Kathy Says:

    I am sorry, the sizzle he had in his 20s is long gone; he’s living in a fantasy world. Move on to the next one, and remember the rule of ten – only about 1 out of 10 of these dates turns into anything at all, at lease those are my own personal statistics. Chin up and try not to get too discouraged.

  13. Kathy Says:

    I mean at LEAST.

  14. crankygirl Says:

    Poopkin! That’s brilliant. She’s going around obsessively drag-wiping her butt. Nice.

  15. karmacat Says:

    Sizzle? Give me a break! At least you found out sooner rather than later that he’s a douchebag, the kind that would grab the back of your head when . . . yeah, you know. I’d say, “Sizzle this, loser!” and enjoy a well-deserved laugh at his expense.

  16. Seacreature Says:

    Just another bump in the road to not take personally. There wasn’t any chemistry for him. So what! He turns out to be the lame one…writing you a lengthy letter. *Pwah* What a pussy. Cheering you on sister, just keep on walking through the murk of men, you’ll find something worth washing off and keeping.

  17. Lisa Says:

    sounds like my entire summer of “internet” dates. Chemistry is hard to find but I honestly don’t think that changes whether you meet on the internet or not. Grocery store meetups can be just as bad. Like you said, it wasn’t immediately obvious upon meeting that he wasn’t totally into you. The game of love sucks. period. fuckitall, have you tried okcupid yet? 🙂

  18. warcrygirl Says:

    I’m so glad I’m not dating anymore. What an asstard!!!

  19. stepfordtart Says:

    Meh. What a poop. Bet you wish you’d got dessert out of the miserable little fucker,too, now! s x

  20. Miss F Says:

    First, sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language…thanks!

    Was browsing the net…then got to read your story…MAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!! Are you me??? lolll

    I’m not on any internet dating sites…but men I meet are usually SOOO happy at first, they never met anyone like me etc etc etc… THEN, I find out that they are usually married…but their relationship is not “going as well as they wanted it to be”….they are a bit lost, and so on…Do I look like freaking mother Theresa? (just for the record, I used to be a model, so im not totally ugly, even if I got older 😉

    Ok, have to admit, to hear that you are beautiful and witty and blah blah blah can make a girl go girly, but not enough to make her drop her panties (at least, not mine)…Sure it does get lonely out there sometimes. But after all that, my position remains that I’d rather be alone, than just settle…and…also, makes you wonder if your (future) bf will talk to another girl that way, when he is in an actual relationship…

    Thanks…Live long witty kitty! 😉

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