Oh how proud I am. Google has been sending me all kind of
pervs new readers today. My list today alone included: Creamsex, penis cake and cookies, Pregnant Foodstamp person getting free food (Pregnant? Only if there was an Immaculate Conception involved, buddy!), Tammy Faye’s 80’s wardrobe and 2 hits for “Scared Buckwheat”.
That’s right people…step right up for a whoopass helping of Scared Buckwheat. Huh? Yeah, I know, its the heat. Don’t mind me. I’m the person who decided to go grocery shopping at the height of a huge thunder and lightening storm today. Yay me!
I had laid low yesterday (interpretation: 30 straight hours of staring at the computer, trying to convince myself that this was enough of a life and that I didn’t need to go out and have human contact or get a job or go shopping since I could probably grow vegetables in my closet with special tract lighting I could order on the internet).
We’ve been having those hot, sweaty days. The kind where you watch Dr. Keith Ablow in your underwear. He’s kind of obnoxious though. He has guests on that he obviously doesn’t approve of and then he bashes them. If I wanted to listen to that, I could just call my mom.
I’ve actually been on a television free diet for most of the summer. Once my favorites (“The Office”, “Scrubs” and “30 Rock”) were over, I literally stopped watching TV. I don’t have cable anyway and what’s left on TV seems to fall into three categories. The seemingly underwhelming tidal wave of “talent/games of chance” shows where people scream, jump up and down and a comedian gets
an actual paid gig to host a show and cull a ton of material for their act about how retarded people act when there’s a camera on them.
And then there are the news shows like “20/20”, “Dateline” and “60 Minutes” which seem to be hopelessly stuck on sexual predators and a woman getting murdered by their seemingly likable husband who really has a dark side and has buried her out in the desert in the middle of the night while the kids are sleeping. That is, if he hasn’t bludgeoned them too, which of course, would have been my first choice, given some of the behavior I’ve seen recently in public places.
And then there are the murder mystery dramas, a.k.a. “CSI” and “Law and Order”, which I am proud to say I have never watched in my entire life.
“Brooklyn: Ed’s apartment. 2:14 p.m.” Who cares?
So those are the choices. People jumping up and down like retards or people getting chopped up and put into 29 different suitcases and buried under cactuses in Arizona.
Woo! No wonder everyone is reading “Harry Potter and the Deathly Huge Pots of Money J.K. Rowlings in Making”.
Well, except for me, of course. I”m making my way towards the grocery store in the midst of a huge thunder and lightening storm/flash flooding extravaganza.
I was going to check my oil when I left, but I figured if I was touching a large metal object…like say, my car…and a bolt of lightening hit it, I wouldn’t be able to check to see if I was on the Growing Blog thingie on WordPress again. Sadly, it appears, I peaked early and no longer have anyplace to go but down.
Hey! Kinda like my life! 🙂
Happily I had just gotten a check for $30 for a discussion group I had done last month. Finally. It was about 2 weeks late. And I’ll be getting two more checks in the next three weeks for the other group I did last week and some residual pay from a tiny raise they issued in January but never gave us. So that’ll be like about $80 whole buckaroos! When you’re poor, that’s like a fortune. So I decided to treat myself to the diet soda/muffin thing. I had stopped doing that this last month, because of my expenses in NYC and a pesky car inspection sticker. And also I haven’t paid “A” yet.
It was nice to treat myself to my mini-Ladies-Who-Lunch thingie. I’ve missed it. Plus I like to
man people watch.
As I was walking to my table by the piano….Yes, our grocery store cafe has a piano…go figure….I also saw this mysterious figure sitting at a table. It was a woman with large black sunglasses (despite being indoors with no sun in sight), a huge black sun hat and a white gauzy dress with black stiletto heels.
For a second my brain went…Nicole Kidman? Yes, she was THAT thin and pale.
I went to my table and set everything down. Usually I can scam a free New York Daily News or USA Today from another table, but not today, so I just sat and ate my bran muffin daydreaming about…nothing really. Drugs in the 70’s, you know.
Suddenly there was movement nearby. “Nicole” was getting up. Was the paparazzi nearby? Was Nicole perhaps getting up to go back to her movie filming in town?
Oh my freakin’ God…when this woman turned around and started to walk towards me, she turned out to be about 75 years old. Plus I was suddenly aware that you could totally see through her gauzy white dress to a tiny, yet somewhat bitchin’ BLACK BIKINI underneath!
Oww! My retinas!!! Old lady bits!
And to make matters worse, she started sneezing like a shih tzu on some newspapers that some people HAD returned to the trash can area. Ones I could have taken and read, but that were now tainted with creepy old lady germs. Ewww!
So it was really all too much for me. And I had even just finished watching a documentary about 1950’s film maker Ed Woods, Jr. You would have thought I’d be able to handle seeing Vampira’s great grandmother in a bikini at the grocery store, but no…I couldn’t. So I headed out. Out amongst the more “normal” people in the yuppie grocery store. People who probably Google “creamsex” and “penis cakes and cookies” when they’re home sitting at their computers…you know.. like you guys.