Packing for NY, okay not really

Oh don’t worry, I’m still going, I’m just procrastinating like I do everything else. I can just see me Tuesday morning, jamming clothes and reading material (a Virginia Satir book on loving yourself) into my Tony Award travel bag “G” just sent me. Heh, he must have known he was going to ask me to come down. Why? Because first your friend sends you a cool travel bag with the words “Tony Awards” embroidered on it. And then when you get it you say “Gee thanks, but I don’t usually travel anywhere…” Of course there was a little clever subterfuge. He said it was to carry home all the money I was gonna make at my next art show.

That “G”, he’s a kidder.

And now I’m going to be traveling…during a CODE EXTRA BRIGHT NEON WE’RE-ALL-GONNA-DIE RED ALERT. Yay. I’m so glad I watched the news last night. And then “G” said there had been a big car accident under his window, but I would be safe since he lives on the third floor. My first thought…. Car Bomb!!!! Does it just kill the people on the street or take out the whole building?

But since nobody ever gets killed in Woody Allen movies, which my life is based on, I should be safe.

I got the weirdest e-mail this morning. About a week ago I had written my best female friend out in California, “S”, asking her to come visit. She’s been here to the East Coast about 6-7 times since I moved here 17 years ago. She used to come regularly, but she hasn’t been here for probably about 10 years now. I just thought it would be nice to have a friend come visit. She then wrote me back a nice, chatty letter, catching me up on everyone and saying yes, she would love to come visit. I was very happy, since “S” is one of the most positive people in the universe. And not in an annoying way. She’s just a kind person…and a kind of surrogate mother figure, who took me under her wing when I was in my 20’s and made me feel loved.

So I was all excited at the prospect of “S” coming to visit sometime this summer. I thought of all the low-tech things we could do like say…talk and go to the mall and talk. Oh I said that already. She’s a great listener, so being able to talk freely would be great!

So this morning I get an e-mail from her address and I opened it and it said (spelling errors left intact):

“Hi witty!!! Bob Here!!! Why dont I list you for a flight here ..I will pay for it You can stay with us as long as you want and enjoy are home,pool,hot tub,spa and all the great weather here in Sonoma county..I feel better To have S here in here own surroundings and safety..We have been with each other 46 years and I want no Harm to come to her this late in our life..I really think New York is a scary on safe place..To much criminal activity in the areas of most towns in the East Coast from my checking with friends in Law Enforcement…So I want you to come here dont even think S going their ever.Your Friend Bob..Like I said just ask me when you Want the Pass  Ok!!!!P.S.  bring you Kitty If you want TOO!!!”


Well, first of all Bob knows I don’t fly and never will. Secondly, he makes it sound like I live in South Central L.A., instead of a tiny, bucolic Village in New York State. This town is so idyllic and beautiful, Martha Stewart would probably have an orgasm if she ever drove through here.

And as for crime….ha ha ha. You can usually only find our 2.5 cops down at Starbucks sipping lattes.


(this photo was taken last night in-between drive-by shootings)

I mean,  I’ve been here for 17 years and have never been involved with any crime. I don’t even lock my car, except downtown.  Sure I had the weird Garden Hacker Guy stuff last summer, but he was just some goofball who hadn’t taken his meds.

In California, on the other hand, lets see…. My house got robbed. My car got stolen. Another time I was walking towards my car to go to the movies and there was a man ALREADY IN IT, about to do something illegal, but he ran when he saw me. Yeah, its real safe there. Uh huh!

And I like how Bob finalizes it. “Dont think “S” will never go their ever”. I seriously doubt “S” had anything to do with this letter. Both of them are world travelers. They worked in the airline business for 30 years before retiring. I suppose he might be spooked by the High Alert things on air travel. In fact their son-in-law is an air marshall. But saying his wife will never travel here again because of crime? That’s stupid. They have a daughter in New Hampshire. I wonder if they can travel to see her? I wonder if she’s far enough away from those evil crime-ridden towns of New York to truly feel safe? I mean doesn’t the Mafia dump bodies up in New Hampshire, if they really don’t want them to be found?

But I’m going to New York City in 48 hours or so. I remember when I went there 5 years ago, I thought I would constantly feel like I was going to get mugged or shot at or people would be rude, but I actually found just the opposite. So other than feeling angsty about the subway, I have no problem going there. And “G” will keep me safe. And I just went online to check out what’s happening at the Museum of Modern Art and I am totally psyched. A Picasso exhibit. Plus I can also get in a little Kandinsky and Kahlo too. I just hope there’s no shoot-outs at the entrance of MOMA between two Socialites or anything, because I would really hate to prove Bob right.


9 Responses to “Packing for NY, okay not really”

  1. chaosdaily Says:

    bob sounds like a possessive moron!

  2. artgnome Says:

    Bob sounds like a total control freak. your poor friend. I feel safer in Manhattan than in most places I have lived or traveled to.

    This is just another example of American media controlling people through paranoia inducing news. It’s why I don’t bother listening to or reading them.

    I hope you have a WONDERFUL nyc trip. I can’t wait to get back there!

  3. Poolie Says:

    Bob needs to take a pill – a chill pill. Go have fun. Let us know of Martha has an orgasm when next she visits.

  4. crankygirl Says:

    Moron. People are so insane. But I do see the invisible aerosolized anthrax in that seemingly bucolic photo. Beware…of daffodils.

  5. scotvalkyrie Says:

    Who the hell does this Bob character think he is? Did “S” suddenly morph into a nervous shaky constant piddler all of a sudden?

  6. scotvalkyrie Says:

    try c&p:

  7. Stepfie Says:

    Bob’s a bit of a twat. s x

  8. warcrygirl Says:

    What a twit. If this came from her email addy then wait a few days, reply to it and ask her again if she’s still coming out of it she’s changed her mind.

  9. lisele Says:

    I have dubbed you a Rockin Girl Blogger. Check out my latest.

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