the silence of the phones

Silence is golden, let me tell you, because for the last two days (Tuesday and Wednesday), Charlemagne called me over 20 times. Was it scary? A little.

He, of course, had called me last week and was really weird and nasty and I didn’t really feel like talking to him, so since my answering machine was already unplugged, I just let the phone ring. And he wouldn’t just let it ring once or twice. He’d let it ring 12-15 times. I have caller ID, so I knew it was him. First he’d call with his girlfriend’s name on my ID and then he’d call a second later and it would be anonymous. I guess he thought I’d be fooled or something.  Granted I wasn’t home for all the calls, but enough of them, that it was really starting to make me uptight. He then wrote me a note to call him and said I was dumb if I was upset about his call last week. At least he was a little more lucid about his wrong-doing than Handyman.

I guess I’m just tired of people treating me like shit and thinking its okay.

Today? No phone calls. Why? Well, last night was our drawing class’ 18th birthday. Charlemagne was hosting. I usually co-host with him. But I didn’t of course.

My bad! 🙂

Hey! How does it feel when somebody doesn’t show up? Not so good, huh? He’s done that to me twice in the last month. I’m tired of it. I’m still nursing an extremely painful sciatic nerve flare up from having to do all the heavy lifting last week myself.

So yeah, I probably sound like a gold-plated bitch, but I really don’t care at this point. Its been hard not seeing the shrinkster too. He’s my main relief valve.

But I was really angsting out before my art class last night. Big time. It didn’t help that my mom called and told me that the doctor’s office had just called and told her that her carotid artery in her neck is 100% blocked and that they’re not going to be doing anything about it until June 19th. Gah!

I mean I don’t come about my angst by accident. Oh no. My mom is Angst Central. She is truly the Mothership. So while she was crying and saying “Go to your art class. I’ll be all right.” I was saying, “Charlemagne has a really bad temper, I’m afraid he’ll whack me in the head.” It was just one of our usual conversations. And yes, of course I’m extremely concerned about my mother’s health. She’s all I have.

Anyways as soon as I hung up I got like the fa-jillionth call and it was “anonymous” so I didn’t pick it up, but then I thought it might be “L” the Hippy Chick because she has been calling every week for a car ride, so I backspaced on my caller ID and amazingly it showed her phone number. Remember that all you stalkers out there!

So I broke down with her about all the stuff that had been going on with Charlemagne, since she’s known him since he was 10 years old and we decided I should just go to my art class and “fuck him” and we are women hear us roar, etc. I was still a mess though when I pulled up to the building. But there was a small crowd of us walking up together and I felt relatively safe.

And then the most amazing thing happened. Something I totally didn’t expect. Charlemagne appeared practically despondent when he saw me. He didn’t say one smart ass thing about me not showing up to help. And he didn’t make one sarcastic remark about calling me 20+ times and me  ignoring him. Because that’s how he usually operates. Search and destroy. I told him my mom was ill and he said that’s what friends are for… to share their problems with. He later came over and was whispering something about how I’m the only person who really understands him, because we’re both bipolar. Blah, blah, blah. I couldn’t really hear him because we had 3 air conditioners and 4 fans going. And I don’t know if I totally buy everything he was saying, but I do feel a little better about things and NO PHONE CALLS TODAY. YAY!! 

I did play it cool for the rest of the evening however. I didn’t go out of my way to talk to him. I didn’t ignore him. I politely said goodnight to him. He cleaned up some dishes and cups on my art table from the birthday celebration we were having. 

One funny thing…the Tall Skinny Guy brought in two birthday cakes, him and his sister had baked. Carrot cakes. Naturally they drew a naked man on one and a naked woman on the other. But they both strangely had green fig leaves drawn on each of their naughty bits. I asked Tall Skinny Guy…why the fig leaf. He kind of shyly looked at the floor and said, “He didn’t want anyone to have to eat those parts.” 

Oh my god, God forbid!!! Yeeks! And just then Professional Artist Guy comes by and chops a chunk right out of the female figure’s (cough) lower anatomy.  It was at that point I almost went for the guy’s naughty bit, but to be honest, I think I’ve already kinda had my fill of men this week.

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12 Responses to “the silence of the phones”

  1. Stepfie Says:

    Hahahaha! Thats funny as hell. I once made a giant penis cake for a friend’s birthday – iced in lurid pink and everything. It was hideous and we ate every bit! s x

  2. awittykitty Says:

    We once bought a penis shaped cake for my male boss…at a Catholic newspaper. Ha ha ha! I wasn’t quite as liberated as I am now so I was a little shocked. And also he was very uptight. And our female sales manager bought it just to make him MORE uptight. Looking back now, it was totally awesome.

  3. Poolie Says:

    I once made penis cookies and twat cookies. I wasn’t even trying – they just turned out that way. I named them Ken and Barbie.

  4. artgnome Says:

    bitch? NO. you are finally setting boundaries with the men that take advantage of you and you see, he respected you for it!
    Do it again, kitty, do it again. 🙂

  5. Andria Says:

    Witty, I definitely think you should stand up for yourself and not let people treat you like you’re less than anything but absolutely wonderful. Because you are. Those people are turds, and they treat people that way becuase no one tells them that it’s not OK to act like complete assholes all the time. And you know, every time I see your template, I love this green color more and more!!

    (also Poolie’s phrase “twat cookies” is very very funny.)

  6. warcrygirl Says:

    NGD has a penis shaped cake pan. Well, it’s actually JS who has the pan, NGD just like to eat a little penis every now and then. HA!!

  7. Holly Says:

    Sometimes a little turnabbout really is fariplay, some people only learn by experience. I remember a friend of mine’s batchelorette party, we had penis shaped pasta salad and she dranke her booze thru a penis shaped straw {I think taht will speak for itself. I’ave also seen penis lollypops and hootchy shapped chocolates, you’d be amazed what you can find if you know where to look. {though I’m sure by now everyone thinks i’m some sort of perv, I just happened to know of someone who once worked in a higher end sex shop}

  8. crankygirl Says:

    Good job with Charlemagne. Excellent.

  9. karmacat Says:

    Years ago, a friend and I made naughty bits cookies with some leftover dough at Christmastime. Our boyfriends wouldn’t eat — but admired the detail to — the penis cookies (how foolishly homophobic!) but didn’t hesitate with the boob cookies with the little cinnamon candy nipples. Good times. Yeah.

  10. skibigsky Says:

    Yep. Good job with Charlemagne. And (I am so embarassed to admit this), but I’ve got a really nice set of penis ice cube trays….. Makes for a fun time at parties (as long as Mr. V.’s mother isn’t there! *grin… Not that she wouldn’t appreciate them, she would just find them ‘plebian’…)

  11. shaded-lily Says:

    Wow, witty. I finally get up the energy to check in with you and I find that (a) I missed out on the Jerk Olympics, and (b) you have a cool new blog! I’m really sorry you had all these people behaving badly, especially when they do it all at the same time. I hope the Jerk Olympics are over now and we won’t have to see any more performances.

  12. Seacreature Says:

    Standing your ground is tough, I know. Yes, establish those boundaries… I have a bad habit of writing people off and then taking them back the minute they’re nice to me. You’ve gotta have your limits.
    And one other thing…uhm, since you changed your format and everything, uhmm…could you put me on there? Pleeeeeease? I feel so..so left out. *sniff*

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